Year End Review: Flags For The Course

I have been missing from the blog world for the last couple of weeks, but I am very happy to be back. Its been a very busy December, and an interesting year. I think its funny how we tend to have ideas and expectations of what each year will hold, and every year turns out to be different than we expect. At least it is that way for me. I took some hard knocks this year. There was certainly a lot of heartache and broken relationships in it. A lot of painful but much needed "sin-killing" happened this year for me. But I also experienced some wonderful surprises in 2007. This year also brought with it reconciliation, forgiveness, and blessing. It took a few new turns I wasn't expecting. I started down a new career path, moved into a new home, acquired new roommates, and received my dear puppy companion. In 2007 I successfully read through the entire Bible, something I have always wanted to do. I joined a church, made new friends, and entered the blog world. Looking back I see that God has walked with me, led me closer to Him, and taught me a little more of what it means to follow Jesus. I've gained a better understanding of who He is, and in light of that I have gained a more accurate perspective of who I am. I hope to continue in this school of learning in the coming year.

Instead of making resolutions I am likely to fail at keeping, I decided to think of some things I'd like to do in the next year. [Flags for the course, you might say.]

In 2008 I would like to:

1. Worry less and pray more. I've realized that Jesus wasn't kidding when he said, "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I want my treasure and my heart to be in the right place.

2. Be healthier. I'd like to start thinking of positive ways to live a healthier life. Some ideas I have include actually going to the doctor for regular checkups (I haven't done this since before I moved to Europe. yikes!), cooking with fresh ingredients instead of processed ones, eating less "fast food", walking more and sitting less, drinking more water, and getting more sleep. I think keeping my Sabbaths will help me be healthier too.

3. Dance more. I think this will involve learning a new dance, since my swing dancing has pretty much reached a plateau. I'm thinking of learning either tap or hip-hop.

4. I would really like to learn sign-language.

5. I would really like to take a creative writing class at some point in the future. Blogging has opened up a hidden desire to splash around in the creative puddles in my mind. Maybe some of it will end up on paper.

(Flag photo by Jason Schlachet)

Tis The Season For TV Christmas Specials

So, I began thinking about this last week when I was sitting on the couch with my roommate. She was flipping through the TV channels when we briefly landed on the last 5 minutes of that famed Christmas special, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." Rudolph saved the day by guiding the sleigh in the storm with his nose. And then came the scene of the Island of Misfit Toys. The misfit girl doll and the Jack-in-the-box were sitting around a fire and were so sad. Then Santa came, despite their doubts, and rescued them on Christmas Eve! And before I knew it I was crying. I looked over at my roommate and saw that she was looking at me as if I were from another planet. "What?" I said. The look on her face said it all. "Seriously? You're crying?!!" she said. Then we both began to laugh. She won't stop making fun of me. I don't know what it is about these TV specials that make me cry, but they just do! I was reading an article online today about Rudolph by Rick Goldschmidt . Here is a quote that makes me laugh:

"The number one question that we get asked about the special is: What is wrong
with the MISFIT GIRL DOLL? Arthur Rankin answers this question on page five of my book. Apparently, her problem was more psychological than physical. "

Here's a list of a few other TV Christmas Specials that make me a little weepy:

1. Charlie Brown Christmas - I cry throughout this one, but especially when Linus recites Luke 2 at the end.
2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas - when the Grinch's heart grows three times its size.
3. Frosty the Snowman -when Frosty melts.
4. A Chipmunks Christmas - when Alvin can't afford to get the golden harmonica for his friend, AND when he gets better in the end and they play together.
5. Mickey's Christmas Carol - when Scrooge sees that Tiny Tim dies in "the Christmas future."

Maybe I am weird. Maybe I am just a girl. I think there is something resembling the beautiful story of redemption in all of these holiday shows and that is why they make me cry. Maybe we should pay more attention to them.

My friend Paul has officially dubbed me "a weeper." Well, after all, Jesus wept. And so did the misfit girl doll. So at least I'm in good company! :)

When dreams learn to fly...

I had an excellent cry this evening. I'm not exactly sure why. It could be for a thousand reasons. It could be because I have been wading into my memory lately. It could be because there is so much longing inside me I think my heart could break. It could be because of the simple, commonplace beauty that I encounter every day. Today I encountered a chilling breeze in the shade followed by a blast of warmth from the sun as I walked down Main Street. I encountered the sound of a puppy's feet scampering across the floor and the weight of her head on my knee. It could be because I laughed with my best friend on the telephone today. Tears well up in my eyes just thinking of how much I miss her. It could be because I read an excerpt from Job last night that made me sad. Perhaps it is because I saw art this week that gave me license to dream. It could be because tonight I listened to something so beautiful that the only appropriate response was to cry. It could be because my life is a part of greater story. Our lives are part of a greater story, one that digs deep, stirs the pot, and breaks up the places that need to be broken. And in the end of that story is life - life which we've only dreamed of, but always hoped for.

It could be a combination of all of these things.

I want to dream more. I want to write down more of my dreams. I want to dive into my imagination without fear. I want to create. I want to experience beauty every day. I want to fly. I want to love with all my heart.

There is beauty and sorrow in the world that can only warrant such a response as to weep. Sometimes I think we need it.

(Art by Janina Tukarski Ellis)

Ever clearer...

"The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them, was longing. These things -- the beauty, the memory of our own past -- are good reflections of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself, they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."
-C.S. Lewis

Jesus - Emmanuel - God with us,
This is my request: give me clarity in my longing! Father, hear my prayer.

"Thy purpose of eternal good let me but surely know;
On this I'll lean -- let changing mood and feeling come or go --
Glad when Thy sunshine fills my soul, not sad when clouds o'ercast,
Since Thou within Thy sure control of love dost hold me fast."
-John Campbell Shairp

Ballet Reflection...

Last December I told God that all I wanted for Christmas was a date. Its funny, because sometimes God answers those silly, petty little prayers for us, even when we don't really believe that He will. I know I probably didn't ask with the right motives. I certainly didn't believe it would be granted. I just sort of threw that desire out into the void one night, not even really knowing why I was asking. I still don't fully understand why He gave me what I asked for last year. Maybe it was for some greater purpose that I have yet to unravel, or perhaps it was to teach me a lesson, or maybe... just maybe, it was because He loves me and wanted to give something good to His daughter.

Last December I got taken out on a date by a man I barely knew. A good man; It was very unexpected to say the least. He took me to see the Greenville Symphony Orchestra's Christmas Concert. It was well thought out. It was intentional. I felt special, valuable, and beautiful. It remains in my memory as the best date I have ever been on in my life up to this point.

I'm not exactly sure why I am writing about this memory. Perhaps it is because I went to see the Nutcracker Ballet with some girlfriends tonight. We got all dressed up. I wore red shoes. I got lost in the music a bit. I found myself entranced by the gracefulness of the movements on stage, especially during the Arabian girl's dance. Slow; delicate; controlled; In a moment my mind began to wander. It wandered back to this same time last year, when I sat next to a gentleman in a darkened theater surrounded by such musical beauty that it gave me chill bumps on the back of my neck. Then I blinked and came out of that wonderful, warm, yet heart wrenching memory. Reality always hits like a brick wall.

Music is powerful. I'm convinced of it. It can transport you, transform you, make you laugh or cry, or even console you. The events of the past year are now history - my history. Looking back helps me to see my present self more clearly in the mirror. But, sometimes I still wish those memories would remain in the past.

Needless to say, I will not be asking God for a date this year.

(Image by Pat McDonald)

Outstretched heart...

There is a strange sensation that comes from giving oneself away. I think our culture lies to us when it tells us that the greatest pleasure and joy comes from seeking self-satisfaction. I have felt jaded and slightly empty of late, and I think it is because I have not been giving my life away. I was pleasantly surprised today when circumstances thrust me into several situations where others had to come first. This is a hard thing to do, but oh the wonder of how it fills up the dry caverns in my soul.

I found myself in a conversation with a friend this afternoon which I cannot mention explicitly but I will say moved me in the deeper places of my heart. My heart broke for her. I felt there were so many things I needed to say to her, and I'm sure I didn't say them all very well. But whatever I did say, I can see that God is at work in them. I prayed much today, and none of it was about me. I felt renewed after tasting again the sweetness of intercession for those who don't know how to pray for themselves. Its been awhile.

When I came home tonight I overheard my roommate on the telephone talking to a colleague about a difficult situation at school. (She teaches kindergarten.) When I asked her if she wanted some tea, she began to cry. My heart broke for her as well. I hugged her. Shortly thereafter, she asked me if I would go to the Asian market with her to help her find what she needed to prepare an elaborate "Korean feast" for her students and their parents on Friday. She seemed overly stressed, and I couldn't refuse such a humble request. My sole mission quickly became finding the strange ingredients needed for a Korean dish we didn't even have a proper recipe for. We went to two different Asian stores on opposite sides of town, called a Korean store, and even called one of my half-Korean friends to ask his mom for help. I quickly forgot about whatever I had planned on doing this Wednesday evening. We finally had everything resolved, ingredients found, and recipes complete. Then I made dinner for us and felt that all was well with the world. I even shared my lasagna with my puppy because she makes me smile inside that she is safe at home. :)

Perhaps this has become somewhat of a ramble tonight, but I think there is something to it. There is something good about putting people and relationships before activities and schedules. There is something life giving in the process of giving your life away to others. I used to live in that world more than I do now. I miss it.

A wise king once said, "Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again." (Ecclesiastes 11:1) This is what is so beautiful about the body of Christ. He made himself everlasting bread for us - and we are casting our bread out to others. Oh, how sweet is the life found in it!

I want a bigger heart to pour out and wider hands to stretch open.

(Heart in Hands photo by Wolfsoul)

Drumroll please...

Announcing my new alias behind the soundboard:

DJ TANNER!

(dj name nominated by Greg Hemric)

C'mon, its cheesy but its funny, right? :)

[OK I admit it, I still have an extremely bad case of blogger's block. sigh..]

This is one of those moments...

...when I have a lot on my mind, and much to say, but my brain pores seemed to be clogged and I can't get any good words out yet, so I just post something silly instead. Enjoy. :)

midnight meltdown

So I went to this fantastic wine tasting party last night with a bunch of girls. I ended up actually leading the wine tasting, after Nina spontaneously nominated me for the job. My disclaimer was that I only know anything because I read it in a book somewhere. :) We tasted twelve delicious wines and ate some yummy cheeses and other wine-loving goodies. Needless to say, I was glad that I didn't drive.

Nina and I got back to my house around midnight. I am so thankful she came inside with me because little did I know that I was about to have a major midnight meltdown. I found a note on the kitchen counter telling me that my dog, Lindy, had run away and that she was nowhere to be found. I cannot describe the despair that overtook me in that moment. Some may think it silly, but if you have ever loved an animal the way I love this puppy, you'd understand. All of the worst case scenarios kept running through my head. We live near 3 main roads so I was sure she would get hit by a car in the dark. It doesn't help that she's black. I was fairly certain she was smart enough to find her way home, but I wasn't thinking straight. I was panicked. I couldn't drive to go look for her. I had no way of knowing where to look. I probably would have started walking around the neighborhood in the freezing cold if Nina hadn't forced me to go to bed. I think I cried for about an hour. I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up this morning around 5am to the pitter-patter of puppy feet in my room. SHE CAME HOME!!! HALLELUJAH!!! My roommate must have let her in. I jumped out of bed and sat on the floor with my puppy in my arms and cried again. Then I went back to sleep for a few hours. I am so grateful for good friends like Nina. I am so grateful my Lindy came home, safe and sound.

I feel emotionally drained and mildly hung-over from the events of last night. I need a good nap.

(Photo by Daniel Greene)

Channel Surfing vs. Entering In

It is a hard thing to love other people. There's no fancy way to say that. Love involves giving of oneself. Love involves entering into the story of another. That isn't something that is necessarily fun or easy to do. I think we so often define love in terms of what we "feel." But that isn't how God defines love at all. The Bible says that God is love. So, if I want to know what it is to love perfectly and completely I have to look to Him. Do I dare to do that? In light of this, when I think about perfect love - complete love - words like faithfulness to the faithless, deliverance, provision, and sacrifice all come to mind. I heard two excellent analogies recently from Toby, my pastor, in comparing incomplete love and complete love.

Incomplete love is like channel surfing. We flip through the channels until we find something we "feel like" watching. If the people in this analogy are anything like me, they get bored very quickly and don't stay on any one channel for more than five minutes. Complete love is like getting off the couch and entering into the story rather than just observing from our comfort zone. It's daring to embrace something outside of ourselves. This is what Christ did when He left the comfort of heaven to enter into our story. He isn't a distant observer. He doesn't keep us at arms length. He enters in.

The other analogy is from the Phantom of the Opera. In the end, Christine is given a choice. If she chooses to stay with the Phantom (and ultimately lose herself to him - ultimately this is death) her true love may go free and live. If she refuses, they both will die. Christine chooses to kiss death so that the one she loves may have life. Don't we all long for that kind of love? The kind that's unbreakable? The kind we can trust? This love is Christ. This love is self-sacrifice. This may be an inadequate analogy, but helps me to get my mind around it.

So how does this apply to me? I confess that for the past few months I have been struggling to love certain people in my life. I fail to love them because I fail to enter into their lives. I focus too much on my dislike of them, or the ways that they have hurt me, or my own need for their approval. So I keep them at arms length. I put up a wall. But this is not the way it was meant to be. It's not the way I want it to be. My inner battle has shed some light on my love for God as well. I am finding it difficult to love God when I am struggling to love other people. So I've been asking the question that I posed in my last post, "What does it mean to love completely?" I haven't come up with a finite answer. But I have realized that I cannot love completely on my own. Like most things, this too requires grace from the Father. Knowing this, the question I must ask myself now becomes "Do I dare?"

John makes me hopeful when he exclaims, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! And we know that when he appears we shall be like him, for we shall see him s he is." (1 John 3:1a, 2b)

I dare.

(Channel surfing photo by Jeroen020)

dove chocolate challenges...

I like to eat little pieces of chocolate after dinner, or sometimes just because. It works as a dessert without overeating, or as an indulgence without going overboard. I like to buy bags of the little Dove dark chocolates and keep them in my refrigerator. I often grab a couple pieces and enjoy them with a glass of red wine for dessert. Or just when I need a chocolate fix. The great thing about Dove chocolates is that they have little sayings on the inside of the foil. They usually say things like "Sing along with the elevator music" or "Smile before bed. You'll sleep better." These sayings usually make me smile, which is one more reason for eating them.

This week I was sitting on my bed with my friend Nina eating Dove dark chocolates and drinking red wine when the words on the foil struck me like an arrow between the eyes.

It said, "Dare to love completely."

Nina said, "I think you do that Mel."
[Mel blushes]

But, I have had to ask myself, "Do I?" I'm not sure. What does it really mean to love completely? So this challenge from the inside of a piece of chocolate has been stirring me a bit this weekend. Toby's sermon today spoke to this question and I'm still chewing on what he said. So this post is a prologue to what I hope will soon be a coherent batch of thoughts on this great subject: Love.

Do I dare to love completely? hmmmm.....
Stay tuned. More to come.

(Photo: Dove Chocolate Wrapper by Kimblahg)

A loss for words...

The unfortunate truth is this: I have blogger's block.

Yes, really.

I have felt unable to write this week, and I don't know why. Its unnerving a little bit because writing has become a healthy outlet for me - an exercise of the brain - a challenging dive into my creative puddles - a wide table to serve up the bubbling pot of thoughts that I am constantly stirring in my head.

I'm thinking about my week - there are so many possibilities of things to write... and yet, none of them seem blog-worthy. (or blog-appropriate.) I decided to make a list of possible blogger's block breakers. Here's what I have so far:

1. read a new book. something out of the blue. different. new.

2. go to the park with Lindy and people watch. one is bound to find interesting things to write about there.

3. go to the mall. people watching and window shopping there might stir the pot.

4. hang out with someone i haven't seen in a long while.

5. try writing another poem.

6. call my grandmother.

7. spend some uninterrupted time in prayer

8. take an afternoon of solitude perhaps. i haven't done that in quite a while.

9. try a new recipe (or two).

10. call nelly. (i dreamed that i called you last night. you were riding your bike down a hill. talking on the phone while operating a bicycle is dangerous. you shouldn't do that.) :)

Does anyone have any more suggestions? I need help.

(Dead End Photo by walkingthedeadline)

productivity is bliss

I have had an incredibly productive weekend. That productivity extended into my Monday as well. The last few months I have felt like there is too much to do, and too little time. When nothing gets completed I feel drained, frustrated, and even guilty. But there is a measure of satisfaction in completing a project, reaching a goal, and watching your time multiply as you use it wisely. I'm surprised at how rested I feel tonight, and how rested I've been all weekend despite all the work I got done. Maybe that's the catch. Hard work is rewarded with good rest. I'm going to make a list of all the things I got done, because I like lists. :)

Wed night:

Made turkey brine and brined turkey.
Made turkey broth.
Made potato casserole with my sister.
Won a game a scrabble with a four letter, 72 point word. (yesssss)

Thurs:

Roasted turkey.
Made gravy.
Had a fantastic time with the family.
Rested.

Fri:

Rested.
Got my car fixed.
Cleaned out my car.
Unpacked and cleaned my room.
Cleaned the rest of the house from top to bottom.
Put up Christmas tree.
Watched a movie and rested.

Sat:

Decorated Christmas tree.
Ran errands
Put up outside lights and rest of Christmas decorations.
Made homemade stockings for me, my roommates, and our dogs. (6 total!)
Made butter cookies from scratch. (yum)
Cleaned kitchen (again)
Watched football.
Worked on homework and planned Sunday School lesson.
Rested.

Sun:

Went to church. (taught Sunday school)
Finished all my essays and assignments for this week.
Put in a Pampered Chef order.
Great fellowship at community group.
Rested.

AND TODAY - MONDAY:

I actually got to do some real work on a case today which was great! I finished the project that was given to me, as well as all the other crazy Monday tasks that I have to do. I had lunch with an old friend. When I came home, I cleaned up the kitchen and living room, went to the grocery store, made supper, and finished my homework for today and finished the review for my final. And all this by 9pm! Now I'm resting, reading, and blogging to chill out.

Its kind of weird to say this, but I think productivity is bliss. :) [Or maybe I am just way too Type A?]

(Bliss Soap photo by Somewhat Frank)

Gracias

I am thankful for:

my daddy - it would take more than an entire post to say why. Words simply cannot express it. He is one of God's greatest gifts to me.

my mama - she goes to great lengths seeking happiness and goodness for me, even when I do not appreciate her.

my sister - I can honestly say, at this point in my life, she is my best friend.

my puppy - she snuggles with me no matter what I'm wearing. she is unconditional puppy love. ha. :)

my community group and church - they even show up to eat with me on the day after Thanksgiving, when I would otherwise have been alone. I couldn't have asked for better friends.

my grandparents are still alive - there is something so joyful in the experience of interacting with those who came before me. I learn so much.

the measure of peace and contentment God has granted to me at this very moment. Knowing what it is to be without it, I am most grateful to be where I am.

a roof over my head, food on my table, a warm bed, and much needed rest.

I am thankful for many other things, which are all competing in my mind to make it into this list. But these are the basics, and the only ones that will make it into the blog at approximately 1:44 am.

Thank you, Jesus, for being you, for who you are - for loving me and giving me renewed life and making me your dwelling place.

(Photo by Cheese Roc)

Video Blog: Autumn Walk in New England

Here is my first attempt at video blogging. It has been an experiment of sorts, but I am very happy with the results. This is a two and a half minute version of the walk I took every morning during my visit in New England. :)

Many thanks to Nelly for her tips and inspiriation.

Muchas Gracias to Brittany for so graciously providing me with her Monday night, her mad computer skills, and her Macbook. (note to Santa: I would really like one of these one day!)

Post Script: Links

Video Soundtrack: "January Rain" from David Gray's album Lost Songs.

Everybody check out Nelly's awesome videos, from whence I drew my inspiration.

Thanks again to Brittany for all your help!

For Santa...

Welcome to New England

[POST SCRIPT: For some reason the formatting on the shape of my poem is all messed up and I can't get it fixed. So, it doesn't exactly read the same as it does on paper. Just a heads up. ]

I am waiting in the Atlanta airport for my flight back to Greenville after an amazing weekend in New Haven, CT. I thought about writing a narrative blog about it, but I wrote a poem on the plane instead. I think (and hope) it communicates my weekend well.

I call it, "Welcome to New England."

Where d’ya go to school? Looks like
YALE.
Nope. Just visiting. It’s beautiful this time
of year.

First,

North Haven,

then

New Haven.
So many towns;

they all run together.

Piles of leaves in the most vibrant

COLORS:

burning red

golden yellow
always moving
by foot, wheel, or wind.
Orange and brown

even some green;
Let’s go jump in them.

That looks like

fun.

No, let’s keep walking. It’s only a mile.
Up the hill, then down. Over the bridge,
then left. There’s Old Campus, over there’s
Central. The bells are ringing at
Christ Church Episcopal.

Down on Grove Street
we cast our shadows on
broken tombstones.
This is a good place to sit
and read.

“Here lies Nathan Beers
who was born at Stratford. His life was
RESPECTABLE. He received
a mortal wound
from a party of British troops
in his own home in 1779
when he
departed this life.”

Countless courtyards made of old stone,
some were made with
very old stone. Gothic arches with
iron gates;

The essentials here: books and coffee,
don’t forget about Dunkin Donuts
and subsidized beer.

I like Atticus. Serving millions
of scones since 1981.

It’s the Ivy League rivalry.
“Are you all set?”
I got a new scarf.
White and navy stripes
and a blue foam finger;

Sing “Boolah-Boo! BOO! BOO!
Harvard sucks and
Princeton doesn’t matter!”

Never compromise your work and
don’t walk alone
on the green in the dark. You could
get SHOT.
There’s a bitter chill while
waiting for the bus.

School on Monday;
“Are you all set?”
Welcome to New England.
You can see everything from here.

Coming Soon: Video blog of this weekend as soon as I can find a Macintosh.
(Photos of New Haven red maple tree and our shadows in the Grove Street Cemetery)

Swing That Sweet Music!

In a recent attempt to reignite my love of swing dancing, my friend Paul suggested that I take up the post of DJ. This piqued my interest because I've always wanted to have control over the music. Music, at least, is one aspect of swing I will never lose passion for. So I took up the challenge last night at the Handlebar. I had more fun being the DJ than I have had at a dance in months! It was a blast! I got to pick the songs from my personal music collection. I had a great view of the dance floor from my DJ hiding place behind the sound board. I loved watching the floor fill up with dancers after starting a great song. I was a little surprised at first at how well everyone seemed to enjoy my music. "They like it," I thought, while grinning inwardly.

I met lots of new people this way too. Dancers kept coming up to me asking "What was that last song you just played?" [On a side note to Nelly: I played a song from your Mango CD (Sister Kate by the Ditty Bops) and at least 5 people asked what it was. It was a huge hit!] I even danced a few songs for good measure. :)

I couldn't make it through the evening without at least one screw-up though. When we were ready to shut down for the evening I told Paul that I would play "Last Call", which is what he usually plays last. But before I could cue it up, he started picking on me saying that I could use his "last song" this time, but I had to come up with my own "last song" for next time. It only took a millisecond for itunes to shuffle to a new song when I wasn't paying attention. So, itunes picked my last song for me. Yes, I hate to admit it, but the last song I played was "Summer Girls" by LFO. I think I've had that song since high school. What's even funnier is that they actually danced to it! I am still laughing to myself. :) Hilarious.

So, now that I am a DJ, I need a rad DJ name. I am open to suggestions. Please, everyone, post your nominations!



(Photos of DJ me at the Handlebar)

Stirring a pot of thoughts...

The house is quiet today. I miss quiet days. It is sunny outside, and wind is blowing the leaves around. There are red, yellow, and white flowers on my kitchen table where I am sitting. My hand is warm from my holding my tea-mug. I am stirring a pot of thoughts in my head.

While driving to church this morning, I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend on Friday night. Walking down Main Street we saw these two men asking people questions like, "If you died tonight, are you sure you would go to heaven?" I usually steer away from these people. My friend suggested we go and talk to them. A stab of fear pierced me. I told him that I was a chicken and that I wouldn't likely say anything. At this admission my heart sank a little with disappointment in myself. What am I so afraid of? What is so scary in talking to strangers about Jesus? I'm still not entirely sure. Its disturbing that I spent so many years of my life talking to non-Christian teenagers about Jesus and yet I am afraid to have a conversation on the street with a stranger who is at least claiming to be a Christian. This frustrates me. I am still stirring this around in my head.

Speaking of frustration, Grant preached an excellent sermon this morning on what to do with it. It should be posted later in the week at www.redeemerchurch.net. He said we must be both content and discontent. We can be content in our circumstances in light of the hope we have in Christ, despite our frustrations. We don't have to like the things that frustrate us, but we can know that there is something beyond all the frustration and should not lose heart. Then Grant said that while we are content with where God has placed us in life, we should be discontent with the state of the world we live in. We can't be content with "the way things are" and simply shrug our shoulders at the darkness. God desires us to take light into the darkness. He calls us to live faithfully here and now until the day when he makes all things new. These are very hard things to do well. I get frustrated that its hard.

I am thankful that even my frustration at my own sin and fear of man is covered by God's grace. I don't have all the answers to the questions and thoughts swirling around inside my pot, but I'm thinking that God's arm is long enough to reach deep into that pot. I'm hoping in that.

chocolate is a no brainer...

Well, I've decided to have a dinner party. I know, I am usually the anal, "my house has to be perfect before I can entertain people" type of person, but I've finally come to the realization that it just ain't gonna happen anytime during this lifetime, so I might as well just be hospitable with what I have. I'm having 12 of my favorite girlfriends over on Saturday night. It should be a good time. I fully intend to cook a fantastic dinner too. Here is what is on the menu so far.

SECRET DINNER INGREDIENT: Slow roasted tomatoes. I got this great recipe from Fine Cooking. You roast the tomatoes for about 4 hours and then you can do all sorts of things with them.

1st Course: Crostinis- options include a goat cheese/roasted tomato/pesto/pine nut dip, or whole roasted tomatoes topped with portabella mushroomsand feta. mmmmm.

2nd Course: Spinach Basil Salad tossed with, (you guessed it) roasted tomatoes, bacon, candied walnuts and lemon rosemary vinegrette made with roasted tomato oil. Yum.

3rd Course: Homemade ravioli filled with a parmigiana/butternut squash filling, topped with sauce made with (what else?) roasted tomatoes and fresh basil.

4th Course: Dessert. Except, here is where I run into a dilemma. I can't decide!!! I do know this, it must be chocolate. Chocolate is a no-brainer for a girls night. But I have so many options how can I choose? So, I've decided to try out one of Nelly's cool blogpolls to let the readers decide.

(Photo by Su-lin)

the psalms: a corporate poetry reading

I have been on a bit of a poetry kick lately. I've been reading more poetry, writing more poetry, and mulling over those poems more than usual. Poems help me to think about things with a different set of eyes. They force me to internalize and unpack the ideas on the paper. I like that.

Tonight at Paidea (our church bible study) we looked at the Psalms. I have read the Psalms many times, and have often camped there for extended periods of time. But it was different to look at the book in a different context; the context of genre, setting, and purpose. Toby made a great point about the poetry of the Psalms. You can't read poetry the same way you read your history book so you can't read Psalms the same way you read Exodus. It makes a difference to recognize the genre of the writing. Poetry almost invites the reader to read between the lines. It is intimate. It is compact. It has rhythm and theme. Poetry taps into emotion differently than prose. So it is with the Psalms.

I also found it interesting to consider that the Psalm-poems were (and still are) used as a tool for corporate worship. It wasn't as if the Hebrews sat quietly in a corner of Starbucks with their espresso and their poetry scrolls and pondered the sentiment behind David's laments. No! The Psalms were sung publicly and corporately. Can you imagine the whole assembly singing together the words of the psalmist, "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" And in the next breath saying together, "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." (Psalm 13:2,5-6)

It gives me chill bumps to think about it. I love poetry, and I'm coming to love God's poems more as I read them again with new eyes.

The Psalms are all about God and bringing our "stuff" to Him. He is the theme and motif. Toby said tonight, "If you finish reading a Psalm and you didn't encounter God in it, you need to read it again."

I think the church could use a few more corporate poetry readings. This is God's poetic Word. Lets read it together. Pass the mic.

(Photo by greentheory)

Operation Clutter Management

I am surrounded by entirely too much stuff. Its everywhere. I can't stand it much longer.

Too many clothes.
Too many papers on my desk.
Too many hats.
Too many shoes.
Too many coffee mugs.
Too many Pampered Chef spatulas.
Too many old wine bottles. (Why do we save these anyway?)
Too many dog toys.
Too many dogs. (We'll keep those.)
Too many pens.
Too many icons on my desktop.
Too many empty CD cases.
Too many loose CDs.
Too many old Pampered Chef catalogs.
Too many books. ( Wait, I take that back. You can't have too many of those.)
Too many Tupperware containers full of leftovers in the fridge.
Too many coats.
Too many cans of soup in the pantry.
Too many things on the mantle.
Too many leaves in the yard. (Can't really help that though.)
Too many necklaces tangled up in my jewelry box.
Too many magazines.
Too many crumbs on the kitchen floor. (And yes, we actually have too many brooms which we apparently don't use often enough)
Too many things I don't use or need.

Its time for a change. I feel a great need to simplify. To quote a Jack Johnson song, "reduce, reuse, and recycle." I'm not sure where to begin, but I think I'm going to start with my closet.

As of today I have a new mission. It may take an indefinite amount of time. It may be difficult. It may be overwhelming. It may be crazy. It may just help me breathe deeper and rest easier when I come home.

This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds. (whew, one less thing lying around.) :)

(Photo Clutter by Rev Dan Catt)

the highlight of my weekend:

They make my feet very happy! :)

See more shoes at www.remixvintageshoes.com

Balboa, only deadlier...

This weekend marked the third year I've attended the Eastern Balboa Championships in Raleigh, NC. In the four years I've been swing dancing this has remained my favorite event. The best balboa dancers in the world gather on the east coast for an incredible weekend of dancing, instruction, and competition. Its a rare opportunity to see such incredible dancers, learn from them, and hopefully, if I'm lucky, grab a couple of great dances with them. I think of all the different swing dances I've learned over the years, Balboa is my favorite. I may not be the best at it, but I have a great time trying! It is a real treat for me to come to this event.

This year turned out to be a bit different than previous years, both in good and disappointing ways. In the past I have always come alone. This year I came with several friends, which changed the dynamic and made for a really fun time on and off the dance floor. I have really enjoyed hanging out with such fun people. However, I've been feeling a bit burnt out from dancing lately. I was hoping this weekend would give me my second wind and re-light the spark I had before. What I've realized though, is that it is time for me to take an extended break from dancing. I hate to admit it, but I don't love it as much as I used to. I've reached a plateau in my skill level and I'm not really getting any better. I don't want to give it up forever, but maybe it will be good for me to break from dancing for a bit.

My friends Steve and Deb were here this weekend with their new baby and I got the great pleasure of holding her for awhile. When she got fussy, it came natural for me to start dancing with her in my arms. The movement quickly quieted her and it made me smile inside. I hope one day I can dance with my own babies in my arms. The beautiful reality is that I will never stop loving the music, and therefore I will never be able to stop moving to it. I can't help it. Its in my system. And besides, I got new red dance shoes this weekend, so they'll keep me motivated to dance on good floors periodically for awhile. :)

playing

My face reflected
in smooth black, like onyx stone.

Hints of glinting gold;

Open wide its mouth

to eighty-eight smiling

strings. Copper, metal;

Thin black hands over

ivory fingers. They feel

like strong stiffened bones.

Pedals three, are heavy

under foot. Deep breaths in between

the turning pages;

A range of voices

blend together seamlessly.

Sound surrounding me;

Unseen beauty fills

the ear. The room resonates

like a sounding board.

Ringing notes slowly
fade into quiet, until

the last string is still.

(Image by ggcadc)

a child in our midst

Tonight we have two visitors. We have a Nana, and a child. Yes, three generations sleeping in one room. That room happens to be next door to mine. My roommate Mary, her mother, and her niece, Jenna, are spending the night. I have already retired to my room, where I now sit with a cup of Green Ginger tea, my laptop, and my sweet puppy. Since our house is small and the walls are thin, I have taken to observing intently with my ears.

Observation numero uno:

Upon arrival, Auntie Mary greeted Jenna with a long, tight, squeeeeeeeze of a hug. Before she let her go she said, "OK Jenna, its time for you to let go." Jenna conceded and as Mary lowered her to the floor she let go of her aunt's neck. But, Mary did not let go. She repeated, "Jenna, let go!" The child began to laugh. Mary held on tighter and shook Jenna from side to side, feigning an attempt to shake her off. The child laughed harder. "Jenna, I think... I think we're stuck! Oh no! I think we're stuck!"

Uncontrollable laughter.

"Nana, help us! We're stuck! We're stuck!" they cried. Nana came to the rescue by grabbing Jenna's legs and on the count of three pulled the child away from her aunt in a wild dramatic victory.

Laughter. Tickles. Kisses.

Observation numero dos:

A few minutes later, Mary began putting linens on an air mattress in her room. Jenna's voice began to rise to unnatural heights (even for a four year old). Crying ensued. Once again, Nana came to the rescue. Nana spoke with the calmest voice as the child displayed her best effort at showing her displeasure. "Jenna, you must stop crying and calm down if you want me to listen to you." The child contemplated this idea, but continued to cry a little. "Jenna, did you hear me? You must calm down and stop crying."

The child slowly quieted.

"Tell me, why are you whining so?" Jenna responded with a loud cry, "BUT I WANT TO SLEEP UP THERE ON THE BIG BED WITH YOU!!!" Though I could not see her, I knew that Nana was drawing from the deep wells of patience I often struggle to tap. She said, still quietly and calmly, "You need to ask your Auntie, without whining, if you may sleep on the big bed with me." The child whined. "Can you ask her without whining?" The child whined on. "Listen to me. I am not whining when I'm speaking to you and asking you to do something. When I ask without whining, I show you that I respect you. When you whine, you show that you do not respect me or Auntie."

The child became quiet once more. A few moments of silence followed. Then, a small, quiet voice asked, "Auntie....can I sleep up there with Nana tonight?"

Tears began to form under my eyelids. What a wondrous, difficult, and noble calling it must be to be a Mother and a Nana. I so long to be called into it myself! I wonder sometimes if I should be so gracious, patient, and kind as the Nana next door. Oh God, make me into such a woman!

My thinker began thinkering. I feel so often like this child. I approach my Father in heaven with whining and crying when I don't get my way. My way is not His way. He does not change. Rather He demands change of me. He is gentle, but firm. He is unmoving in who He is, but loves to answer my requests when I obey Him. When I come to Him in obedience, He embraces me and holds me tight. Even when I let go, He is still stuck to me. I cannot shake Him off. Though I am shaken, He will not be shaken.

I have learned much from the child in our midst tonight. Perhaps this is why Jesus told us we must become like little children if we are to inherit the kingdom of God. Perhaps this is the best way to understand our relationship to the Father.

Tonight there sleeps a happy child in the bed with Nana next door. Oh, that I may sleep with such blissful contentment as well.

(Image by: Ranhar2)

Casella and Portland: new music and new friends

What a wonderful Friday I had. I needed a happy Friday. It has now ushered in a beautiful Saturday morning. I have high hopes for an equally fantastic day.

I had the pleasure of hearing Jeremy Casella play last night at Portland Studios. It was a nice laid back gathering with old friends, new friends, decaf coffee from Leopard Forest, PIE, and excellent music. Jeremy's lyrics are poignant and make me think. I really like his musical style. His strong melodic themes had me humming even after I left. And I think its really cool when artists play the harmonica. I am a sucker for harmonica solos. Jeremy had a few sweet harmonica moments. If you haven't heard of him, you should check him out. Its worth it. Listen to Jeremy's music here.

Another thing I really liked about Jeremy was his honesty and realness. He shared stuff from his life that really gave his songs weight and made them relative to his listeners. I usually think of a good audience as one which embraces the musician. I found that Jeremy is a great musician and performer because he embraces and welcomes his audience with open arms. It was so refreshing to hear someone perform seemingly without pretense.

On that same note, the guys at Portland Studios carry that same sentiment. What a generous sense of welcome and ease I felt the moment I walked in. More than one person greeted me and made me feel almost at home. There is always a hint of uncertainty when entering a new place with unknown people for the first time. That uncertainty quickly melted away for me there. Here is a group of incredibly talented people, not only in their work, but also in their hospitality. Everyone should check out their website, and buy their first self-published book, a new take on Beowulf, which will be released November 15, 2008.

Here's props to Jeremy Casella and Portland Studios. Way to be real, guys... Many thanks. :)

(Image: Album cover of Jeremy Casella's newest record, "Recovery.")

its time for milk and cookies

Today is Friday Eve. It was the first sunny day after a week of desperately needed rain. When I walked outside this morning the rays of sunlight streamed through the trees and warmed the wet ground, singing the prelude to Friday in loud voices. This whole day has been straining to reach its true purpose: ushering in the weekend. I like Friday Eves because I get that itch of anticipation for something good that is coming. Its the feeling you get as a kid on Christmas Eve. The tree is packed with presents just waiting to be opened. The kitchen smells like cinnamon buns, homemade cookies, and coffee. Listening to Daddy read Luke 2 fills you up with joy - a Savior is coming!! Christmas Eve was almost better as a kid than Christmas Day because of the deep joy that comes from waiting expectantly for something good; waiting for something very good.

That's how I feel sometimes on Friday Eves. Tomorrow brings the introduction to evening fellowship, the possibility of new beers on tap at Barley's, good homegrown music, new friends, sleeping in on Saturday, enjoying a day at home, time to read good books, walks in the park, time with the family of God, and ahhhhhh REST. I can't wait for Friday. I love Friday Eve because it says, "Get ready! The weekend is almost here!"

I've been reading Isaiah this month, and it strikes me as a book full of expectancy. Isaiah is always saying in effect, "The Lord is doing something. Look for it!" Sometimes, he speaks of exile and judgement, other times of restoration and redemption. But the voice of Isaiah never fails to call the reader to expect God to move. I want to live with a sense of expectancy on more days than just Friday Eves and Christmas Eve. I want to live each day full of hope, knowing and even expecting God to show up and do something good. He is so full of goodness.

God says in Isaiah, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

I feel like eating milk and cookies before I go to bed, just like on Christmas Eve. (It helps that I'm listening to Over the Rhine's Christmas Album, "Snow Angel.") I can't wait to wake up on Friday morning. The Lord will do good things tomorrow!!

"And I - in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness." Psalm 17:15

(photo by Zesmerelda)

love should not just be a banner

I finished Schaeffer's "The Mark of the Christian" today. Although it is a thin volume there is a wealth of truth in its 59 pages. I found this book to be very convicting, cutting straight to the heart. The central message is that love for one another, as Christ commands in John 13 is the Church's highest calling. It is also a warning that when we fail to love firstly, other believers, and secondly, our neighbors, we fail to present Christ to the world. What a staggering thought. I found myself examining my own heart and how I have not loved my own family this week, nor my Christian brothers and sisters. This book is calling the Church to unity and oneness in love for one another. He makes some provocative statements, but I think we need to hear them. I know I needed to read this book. I've quoted a few excerpts below.

"The meaning of the word Christian has been reduced to practically nothing. Surely, there is no word that has been so devalued unless it is the word of God itself. Central to semantics is the idea that a word as a symbol has no meaning until content is put into it. This is quite correct. Because the word Christian as a symbol has been made to mean so little, it has come to mean everything and nothing."

"We cannot expect the world to believe that the Father sent the Son, that Jesus' claims are true, and that Christianity is true, unless the world sees some reality of the oneness of true Christians."

"We must show a practical demonstration of love in the midst of the dilemma even when it is costly. The word love should not just be a banner. In other words, we must do whatever must be done, at whatever cost, to show this love."

"When everything is going well and we are all standing around in a nice little circle, there is not much to be seen by the world. But when we come to the place where there is a real difference and we exhibit uncompromised principles but at the same time observable love, then there is something that the world can see, something they can use to judge that these really are Christians and that Jesus has indeed been sent by the Father."

- The Mark of the Christian, by Francis Schaeffer

a bottomless well

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
Proverbs 29:25

I sometimes wish this were an easier truth to swallow. I wonder why its so hard for us to believe it. Why do we care so much what other people think? Why do we constantly try to draw our worth from empty wells? I've had conversations about this with several people in the past couple of weeks and it has got me to thinking on it. The fear of man certainly is a snare. It makes us do things we don't want to do. It makes us believe lies about ourselves - about our identity. Worst of all, I think, it feeds self-absorption. Sometimes I will avoid people because I don't want to have to think about what I think they think about me. This is such a hard thing.

I had a long conversation tonight with my roommate about what it means to really let our identity rest in Christ. We went round and round in this conversation until finally she said, "I know I need to fall more in love with Jesus, and I want to but I just keep messing it up. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough." This strategy always goes horribly wrong because every phrase begins with "I."

The reality is that our relationship with Jesus begins and ends with Him. He loves us first. We mess up again and again, but he still loves us. He is unmovable; unchangeable. When we do love Him, it is because He first loved us. We are changed because He transforms us. We are saved by grace through faith and that is not of ourselves - it comes from Him. He is the beginning and the end of all things, even our relationship with Him, even our loving Him. This is why Proverbs says "whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." He's not going anywhere.

Recognizing this great truth again tonight is water to the dry places. Perhaps this has been a bit of a ramble, and perhaps it hasn't made much sense to anyone who's reading this. But it has helped to point me to the bottomless well of living water that is opened up right in front of me and right inside of me.

We can't live in the past. We can't live in perpetual "regret." But we can look to Christ. If we didn't love Him yesterday, we can look to Him today. We can let Him use the past to change us in the present and hold our hand as we walk into the days to come. Our God is so full of unfathomable goodness. I need to remember that more often.

Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water. "

"Sir," the woman said, '"you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?"

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed the water I give him will become in him a spring of water, welling up to eternal life."

John 4:10, 11, 13-14

monday morning musings...

It's raining outside. Sometimes I love the rain. Sometimes I hate it. Today I am in between. Rain usually makes me think a lot. Rain also usually gives me a headache - my sinuses don't like it. But my headache is waning and I have started settling into my rainy day thoughts.

It's also Monday morning. Sometimes I like Mondays. Sometimes I hate them. Today I am in between. I didn't want to wake up this morning. My puppy was so cute this morning when I rolled over to get up. She literally scooched all the way from the foot of my bed and sat her butt right down on my chest so her face was on my face. I guess she doesn't like waking up on Monday's either. :) But awake I am, and its the beginning of a new week. I like new beginnings. They make me hopeful.

My roommate Lindsay and I really bonded last night. We made an appetizer together for Mary and Tim's engagement party. She was a great date. (except I think she spiked my drink.) :) I think she is going to stay after Mary moves out, at least for a little while. This was a relief and eased my mind. I was stressing a little too much about it I think. We decided to go together to the Halloween Dance Party, so we are trying to come up with a great "dynamic duo" costume. If Nelly would show me how to do those cool blog-polls I could let the readers vote. (hint to Nelly - when do my blog-pimping lessons start?) :)

It is almost time for lunch. I feel like soup and a book today for lunch. I haven't had a chance to read in a few days with all that's been going on. I bought a new book this weekend. Another collection of Rilke's poems but this one has both the German and the English side by side. I get a lot more out of it this way rather than reading just the German or just the English. I think I will sit on my porch with my soup and my book and listen to Rosie Thomas. I need more time with my thoughts today. My mind is wandering into so many different rooms right now. This post is turning out to be similar to Nelly's "streams" I think.

For those of you who were anticipating the blog about Round Two of Over the Rhine on Friday night, I am sorry I have yet to post it. I was just too tired this weekend. So, although this won't do it any justice, I will post a mini-blog within a blog about Round Two. Here it is:

OTR ROUND TWO: DING DING!

Linford is a musical wizard. I would write a discourse on this guy if I had the time, energy, or space to do it. It doesn't matter what he's playing; piano, organ, guitar, bass, or all of the above. Its like magic in my ears when he sits at the piano though. He is a champion improviser. After hearing him twice in one week, I can say that its seems like he doesn't ever play the same song the same way. It was absolutely brilliant.

I met Rosie Thomas, and she is so nice. I bought another one of her CD's. I saw her standing at the bar before the show, so I went over to introduce myself. We talked for about 15-20 minutes or so and I just really like her. She's very down to earth and really quite humble and sweet.

I sat in the second row this time and I had 8 of my friends come along. It was great to introduce so many new people to such a fantastic band. That makes me happy. Karin was gorgeous as usual, but particularly enchanting on Friday. The show definitely had a "Friday night feel" to it in comparison with Wednesday night. She was a little more sultry, sang a couple of sexy Christmas songs from Snow Angel and she just had a little more sass. In the end, all I can really say is: what a voice!

(photo of my rainy back yard, from my phone)

Over the Rhine Live: Round One

(Photo by Brittany Holcombe)

ROUND ONE: DING!

Last night I had the great privilege of seeing Over the Rhine live in concert with my friend Brittany at The Grey Eagle in Asheville, NC. This was the second time I've seen OtR in concert and I have to say: they just keep getting better and better! I really like The Grey Eagle as a venue because its cozy. There's a bar in the back and couches up front. It was like having Karin and Linford in my living room. Talk about incredible acoustics too. Live music is one of those experiences that is unparalleled in my opinion. I absolutely love it.

Before I go any further with this blog, I have to mention, that Brittany and I ate dinner at this funky little place called "Eatie's Cereal Bar." They had all kinds of old school cereal and you can just fill your bowl up with whatever you want and then pick your milk. They had yellow booths and a big screen that played old Saturday morning cartoons in the back. I felt like a kid again! If you haven't tried a cereal bar lately, I highly recommend it. I had a combination of random cereals, but I think I was most excited about the fruity pebbles. :)

OK, on to the highlights:

• New discovery of the evening: ROSIE THOMAS. Where has this girl been hiding all my life? It was by far one of the best opening acts I've seen in awhile. Her lyrics were piercing and honest and her music was tender and mellow. She was really cute and funny too. One odd observation though: her talking voice sounds nothing like her singing voice. She has this high pitched, cute, girly talking voice and then this soulful, Sarah-McLaughlin-esque singing voice. She also sews aprons and sells them with her other merchandise. Moral of this story: Rosie Thomas rocks. Buy her CD. I did. :)

• The lineup: We had fair seats, but about 5 songs before the end some people left from the front row. So, we slipped up to the front for an incredible view. It was perfect timing too because the very next song happened to be in my top 3 OtR songs - "Suitcase" from Ohio. The lineup was a good mix but was naturally weighted with songs from "The Trumpet Child." I think they played 2 songs from Ohio, 1 from Drunkard's prayer, a couple of great covers (including "Fever" and "Orphan Girl" also two of my favorites) and the rest were from "The Trumpet Child."

• Favorite Comments from the Band: Linford described the title song "The Trumpet Child" as a mixture of his growing up around old hymns and his love for the great trumpeters of the 20th century like Louis Armstrong and Miles Davis. He said that he's always wondered what God's great trumpet call in the end will sound like - in his words, "What's on God's iPod?" He said this was their very own "jazz hymn." It was so incredible it gave me chill bumps. Karin made some excellent comments about their visit to the White House. When asked what they wanted to say to people in their music, she responded with, "you don't have to live life in fear."

• Best Moment: It's hard to pick a "best moment" when Karin wails like she does on every song, melting your heart and taking your breath away. But, I'm gonna have to say that when Karin pulled out an old burnt metal cookie sheet and started playing it like a tambourine in "Don't Wait For Tom", I knew it doesn't get much better than this. Only this band could pull that off and still be classy!

(photo of Karin playing the cookie sheet by Brittany Holcombe)

I bought two t-shirts and got a free concert tour poster. I also bought Rosie's CD. I can't decide which shirt I'm going to wear to the show at the Handlebar on Friday night. I think I'll wear the red one. Red is a good color. I feel like an OTR groupie for going to two shows in the same week. But I like being a groupie... I am already gearing up for round two!!

DING DING!

the OtR marinade

Two Days Out:

• Thaw. The best method is to listen to the cool favorites such as Snow Angel and Darkest Night of the Year.

One Day Out:

• Tenderize by listening to "The Trumpet Child" in the car for no less than 24 hours, working it in thoroughly.
• Soak overnight in "Drunkard's Prayer" and two glasses of Cabernet.

The Day of:

• Season with the aged oak taste of "Films for Radio", fresh ground pepper, and sea salt.
• Dip into the mournful wells of "Good Dog Bad Dog" to add depth of flavor and a lot of soul.
• Rinse lightly in some of Linford's solos for softness.
• Last, but not least add in a generous portion of "Ohio" for the sweet aftertaste of reminiscence.
• Saute', sizzle, and sear with anticipation during the 1 hour drive to the concert.
• Serve hot with a side of dark chocolate and a glass of red wine (your choice)

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT!!!! :)

tuesday evening laughs

Call me cheesy, but this video made me laugh out loud today!

Click here. It is worth the one minute and 17 seconds. :)

Now that I've had my Tuesday evening laugh, I'm going to go heat up some leftovers and then I'm going out for a pint. They are tapping a new Rogue at Barley's tonight called "Santa's Little Helper." Perhaps there will be a follow up blog on it. :)

wade in the water...

hello dear blog.

Love is a curious thing. Sometimes I wonder at how I feel so far off from it, even when it wells up inside me. I think I'm realizing in a new way that true love is sacrificial. Obviously there is the ultimate sacrificial love: Jesus. But, the reality is that love, even in my everyday life, must be sacrificial. What does that look like? I'm not entirely sure. I have an idea, and I'm pretty certain that its the hardest thing to really live out consistently. I hate that it is hard.

Let me recap my weekend. Perhaps these thoughts will mesh into some sign of intelligent life on mars.

A man asked my roommate to be his wife this weekend. He took her to the Biltmore Estate and carried her across a river. I suppose it was meant to be symbolic. Would she follow him into the tide? Would she trust him to carry her? Would he love her more than himself, even if the water rose to dangerous heights? The answer is yes. She said yes. He said yes. They are getting married in March. Its beautiful, really.

Saturday night I went to a Wedding reception. The bride was absolutely stunning. There was beauty all around. Words were spoken about the marriage vows and what they mean. I found comfort in hearing that even in this we cannot fulfil those vows without Christ. He is sufficient when we are not. I saw my dear friends, George and Terri (parents of the bride) looking joyful. That made my heart smile. At one point the photographer gathered the family together. Now this was a beautiful picture. In the center were George and Terri (parents) and around them were their newlywed daughter and son-in-law, next to them their son and his wife, and then their other daughter and her fiancee. They all kissed their beloved ones as the camera flashed. It was beautiful.

There has been much on my mind these past few days that has slowly been sinking into my bloodstream. I have yet to be able to express it. The hard part about all this is that while I am excited and moved to tears by these beautiful, even wonderful events, somewhere inside me is a very selfish little girl who can't stop looking inward. I have mulled over my fears of being alone when my roommate(s) leave, and my fears of never knowing this type of love. I've been sad when I've pondered the idea that somebody must want to be around another person all the time to want to marry them. That is hard to imagine in my life. I don't really like to be around me all the time, and I've lived with myself for 27 years. I've looked inward, and struggled to pour out into the lives of those around me.

Love must be sacrificial. Even in the small things. Tonight I was alone while my roommates were out celebrating. I wasn't invited. I felt lonely. I felt hurt. And as I mulled over these feelings and all the events of the weekend I realized that even in this I struggled to love them. I asked God to help me see beyond myself. He did. I forgot myself long enough to love on them when they got home. Its hard to sacrifice, especially my own self-love and self-pity. That is often the hardest thing to give up.

And now I run to the lover of my soul - the one who was sacrificed for me and who lives to intercede for me - the one who despite the blackest parts of my soul, says "I want to be with you all the time. I want to marry you." Oh that I may learn to love fully and deeply -in every day life... that I may learn that love is not about me.

For some more interesting (and much more coherent) thoughts on this topic, check out a recent post on Revol.

goodnight dear blog.