Tuesday, September 30, 2008

October Approaches...


October approaches. Crispness
creeping into air,
leaves rustling with color
pressing rusty hand prints into
sidewalks.

Time for socks and sweaters,
pipes and patched scarves.
Time to bring together
warming lover's hands
on long walks under fading
evening skies.

October smells
of freshly sharpened pencils,
sticks of cinnamon,
distant campfires and
pine needles fallen.

Children grow tall
in October,
their minds and legs
stretching out
before my eyes.
I blink and they are changed.

Anticipation spills over.
Unexpected beauty of a new morning
thrills me with pleasant
surprise.

I should never want to know
a world without
Octobers.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

the quiet things are good for you...


I'm learning lately that I need more quiet things in my life. I'm beginning to realize that it is healthy to spend a more significant amount of time winding down. Someone recently commented how surprising it is that I should enjoy spending an evening alone with a book and glass of wine. In the midst of so little sleep this summer, I think I appreciate the rare hours of peace much more than I ever have.

But, I haven't only found moments of peace in being by myself. I've found it in genuine friendships, long conversations, and community dinners. There is something so wonderful about being able to rest in another person's presence; whether sitting on the porch early in the morning with my roommate, sharing piping hot cups of tea and long conversations at night with a friend or taking a walk through town without feeling like I have to talk. I find solace in things like a simple, heartfelt hug and listening. Listening is something I'm learning to do better. These days, I'm finding new life in listening to other people.

Last night I slept without any external help. Granted, it took me several hours to fall asleep, but I slept nonetheless. I napped today on my own as well, which was incredibly rejuvenating. Tonight I turned on Over the Rhine's Drunkard's Prayer on the porch and took a few minutes to soar high on my tree swing as the sun was setting. I like feeling the thick wind brush against my face. I like rocking in my teak rocking chair under a blue gray sky, the dark fuzzy shadow of of the dogwoods forming a great canopy of peace and quiet around me. The soft, steady chorus of crickets is soothing, with the occasional cicada singing out a bright solo.

I'm hoping to sleep again on my own tonight, perhaps a few hours longer.

Its good to finally be able to say that I feel at home somewhere. I've not felt truly at home in a very long time. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there.

Photo by ilkin.

Friday, September 05, 2008

sometimes...

...life hands me things that make me smile in spite of myself. :-D

Monday, August 25, 2008

it's raining, it's pouring...

After coordinating a few rides, I dropped my car off at Precision Tune this morning around 8 a.m. Last night my engine over heated, so I was a little concerned about the little Honda. I thought I'd just take her in for a check up and maybe some more fluids. Perhaps she was just dehydrated.

I got the call around 9:45 a.m.

Radiator's busted, bursted, kaputt. Happy Monday.

Well, that pretty much bummed me out the rest of the day. At lunchtime the sky darkened as Fay, the tropical storm of the month, descended on us giving the ground quite a drink. The grass and trees seemed to be letting out great sighs of relief as they opened wide their mouths to receive the rain. I took my turkey and cheese sandwich into the conference room, which has a large picture window and a screened door that opens to the back yard of the office. I turned the lights off and propped open the door and just listened to the rain and occasional thunder for awhile in silence. I felt an incredible urge to run outside and let the heavy rain pound down on my head and drench me completely through. I thought about taking an umbrella out with me, holding it upside down until it filled with water and then turning it over to pour the cool water over my hair and face. It would have felt nice to have the rain wash out my insides.

I didn't do it. Eventually the storm moved on, and so did I.

Sometimes I think the rain in my life can be healthy. Its healthy to cry sometimes. Its sobering to realize I am not in absolute control of my life. But, lately I am really ready for some sunshine.

(Photo by Oviso0n)

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Psalm 4:8

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

Friday, August 22, 2008

healthy apathy?


I've been listening to The Weepies a lot lately. I've always liked their sound, but for some reason they seem to be resonating with me the last few months. The combination of beautiful, mellow music and cynical, apathetic lyrics gives me a sense of mingled hope and mild depression.

I've been struggling with feeling well physically this year. According to my doctor, I've apparently developed insomnia and increased intensity of headaches as a result of being too stressed out and/or doing too much. So sleep is an issue. Obviously that effects my attitude in most areas of my life. I find that I am irritable, short fused and generally pessimistic these days, especially when it comes to my job. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job. I have a great boss, fun co-workers and invaluable opportunities to experience some quite interesting work. I've been losing my focus though. Its hard to get through a day without becoming extremely tired and cynical. I have a feeling that protecting my Sabbath will help with this problem. Sometimes I wonder if my body is responding to my recent spiritual apathy or if its the other way around. I feel they are connected somehow though. I think I'm going to drink some Tension Tamer Tea and pray about this for bit, then attempt to sleep.

Below are two sets of words that have been lingering in my head today. I find the contrast between them interesting. The first are the lyrics of a Weepies song called "Not Your Year." I connect with the sense of "[un]healthy apathy" that is conveyed in this song. The second are a few verses from Psalm 3, which is what I've begun to pray for myself these days. Here is a startling demonstration of how the message of the world and the message of God are complete opposites.

One: Not Your Year: by the Weepies

Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.

Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you’re happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.

Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There’s a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you’re doing wrong

Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating “don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up.”

Two: Psalm 3:3-5

"
But you are a shield around me, O Lord;
you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud,
and he answers me from his holy hill.

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side."

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

the world can wait


Lately my life seems to be spinning faster than the earth. I don't know why I feel constant pressure to "fill up" every moment of my time and energy with extra-curricular activities, people pleasing, and to-do lists. Tonight is the first night that I have rested since I returned from my vacation in Santa Fe. It seems odd that I would come home from a week long Sabbath only to disregard the principle in my "regular" life. But then again, this is a part of being human I suppose.

This evening I've found refreshment in simple things: washing dishes; reading old letters and journals; throwing a tennis ball; walking barefoot in the damp grass; listening to new music; letting the porch fan sweep a warm night breeze through my hair; meditating on a psalm.

I need more nights like tonight. I need to live in slow motion. I want to savor the genuine moments of connecting with other people. I smile inside when I think of these rare gifts. I don't want them to pass me by. I want to protect the Sabbath in my life.

Life is too short not to go deep. The world can wait....

(Photo by DOS82)

Saturday, August 02, 2008

exploration...


Today I got my first nosebleed of the week. Heck yes, I'm in the desert.

Yesterday was a day of exploration in more than one sense. I began the day by going on a beautiful hike with my new friend Liz. We took the Atalaya Trail. It begins here at St. John's College and ascends about 3 miles into the desert mountains. I cannot describe how incredibly beautiful the landscape is here. What struck me the most was the amount of life that thrives in this environment. We saw lizards and birds and rabbits all along the trail. If you look closely in the picture above you can see a lizard that blends in with the tree.

After returning from the hike, I decided it would be a good idea to drive up to Chimayo, an old New Mexico village about 30 miles north of Santa Fe. Everyone has been talking about how beautiful it is and how I must go see the church there while I am here. So, I punched in the address in my trusty GPS (which I borrowed from my sister for the week) and set off on my journey. At some point I made a wrong turn and the GPS began to "recalculate." Before I knew it I was twisting down red dirt roads around the edge of red rock mesa cliffs. There was no sign of civilisation in sight. Just when I decided to abandon my fruitless search for Chimayo the GPS battery died. So I was lost in the middle of the desert (literally) with no cell phone signal, no directions, and no clue how to get home. I finally found a paved road again, called home and got some spontaneous "map quest" directions to point me towards Santa Fe. It was frustrating at the time, but in hindsight, I probably got to see some of the most beautiful part of New Mexico completely by accident.

(This is a picture of the desert I got lost in. This photo doesn't do it justice.)

I had lunch at the Blue Corn Cafe (recommended by Joy) and visited the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum in the afternoon. Last night I continued my exploration by delving into the wells of songwriting that have yet to be tapped. Eva, Ben and I finished our song and really had fun jamming. We perform tomorrow morning for the class. I'm a little nervous, but I am really proud of our song. I'll post the lyrics tomorrow.

Its hard to believe the week is almost over. I've really made some great friends here. Its cool when you can admit that you read Shakespeare plays aloud for fun in your spare time, and nobody looks at you like you're a freak. In fact, they all nod and say, "Yeah, I love doing that." We're all such nerds, but I like being in the company of like minds.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Coyotes and Collaboration These Latter Days...


The entire campus was rudely awaken this morning around 5:24 AM by coyotes. I remember because I sat up straight in the bed with a jerk, my ears ringing, and looked at the clock. I think the most shocking thing about the coyotes was how loud they were. It sounded like a pack of hyenas had literally entered the building and set off the fire alarm. I'd never heard a coyote before and I can tell you they don't sound anything like I expected. I expected them to sound like dogs, or perhaps like howling werewolves. They sound like screaming hyenas. Their voices cut through the night and echoed back and forth as if they were bouncing around inside of a giant metal bell. It was pretty creepy, I have to admit.

However creepy my awakening may have been, the day only got better. We listened to more of each other's songs in class today and then were divided into groups to collaborate on writing a song to present to the class on Saturday. I got in a group with Eva, Ben, and Deborah. Deborah is local, and had to go to work this afternoon so Eva, Ben and I spent 3 hours throwing ideas around and we came up with a collaborative song that I really like. I feel honored to have had the opportunity to create something with these talented artists. Its funny how these things transpire. I would never have expected the song to come out the way it did, but it morphed into a life of its own and reflects a piece of each of us. We've still got to polish the harmonies, and I'm going to attempt at adding some piano to the mix. We'll probably add a second guitar as well. Once its completely finished I will post the lyrics, and maybe a rough recording if someone with a mac can tape it for us. For now, I'll leave you with the title, to wet your appetites. We call it: "Paper Places."

I went to dinner at the Cowgirl Hall of Fame with some of my new friends. I had fish tacos. They were bueno. Then we carpooled to hear Over the Rhine play in concert. This was a unique experience because it was just the two of them on stage. They have a completely different dynamic without the band. I felt like I could have been in their living room. I like it. :) Robert Deeble, who is participating in the songwriting class, opened. He's got a great sound and is just a super nice guy. Check out his music here.

Yesterday at lunch I mentioned to Karin and Linford that their song, Latter Days, helped me get through one of the hardest years of my life - the year I moved back from Germany. I've seen them play numerous times in the last 3 years but never heard them perform that song. When they came back out on stage for the encore at the end of the show Karin said they would end with a song from their album, Good Dog Bad Dog. My heart rose in my throat as an excited hope swelled that they might play Latter Days. My hopes were realized. As soon as Linford played the first chord and Karin sang the first line, "What a beautiful piece of heartache..." the painful yet wonderful memories of my last few months in Munich came rushing in while the tears fell. I cried through the whole song and it was the most beautiful I've ever heard it. Those 3 minutes will go down in history with the most touching experiences of my life. I gave Linford and Karin a big hug after the show and thanked them. I'm not sure if they played it just for me or not. (Probably not.) But nonetheless I feel it was a gift and was not by accident. It was the perfect end to the perfect day. Tonight really made my week.

I'm going hiking tomorrow after breakfast with my new friend, Liz. Hopefully we won't run into any wild coyotes or poisonous lizards on the trail. :)


(Linford Detweiler, piano wizard)


(Karin Berquist, voice from another world.)

(Eva, Robert Deeble, and Me)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Digestion is Neccessary


I sometimes feel great tension between myself and myself. Today has been filled with alternating tides of inspiration and defeat. On one hand I have been so nourished by the community of artists here that I feel almost desperate to create. This morning's class was the best one yet. We began listening to each other's songs. Each song was different, and affected everyone differently. It reminded me how organic songs truly are. They are living, breathing animals that cannot be placed in a cage. After having a wonderful conversation with Karin and Linford at lunch (wherein I confessed that I follow them around the southeast when they are touring) I felt a surge of confidence that I might have a song in me that is just waiting to come out.

However, I also had some very enriching conversations today with other writers about books and words. The excitement of writing prose and poetry began to grip me again throughout the course of the afternoon and peaked during Valerie Sayers' short story reading this evening. I was so drawn into the story that I was leaning over the edge of my chair. I left with a sensation of joy that I haven't experienced off of the dance floor in quite some time. (And if you know me, that's saying something.)

As I watched the sunset, I kept mulling over some phrases I wrote a few weeks ago and I realized I was humming. I thought to myself, "Self, don't lose this before it slips away. This could turn into a great song." So I went to a practice room and began to bang out some chords. I was fairly pleased with what I'd come up with after about a half hour. Something about it was nagging me though. Then, just when I thought I'd finally written something mildly original, I realized that I was playing the exact (and I mean exact) same chord progression as OTR's "Little Did I know." Defeat washed over me like the high tide over a hundred sandcastles.

I wonder if I am meant to write songs or simply play and enjoy the songs written by others. I wonder if writing music isn't really my bag. Perhaps I should focus on other writing genres, such as fiction, creative nonfiction and poetry. I'm not sure. One thing I do know for sure is that I love books and I love music. I will never, ever stop reading or listening.

(The photo of the coy fish above doesn't have anything to do with this post. I took the picture this afternoon at the little pond here. I just thought it was pretty and felt like posting it.)

Monday, July 28, 2008

The High Desert

Last night I spent my first evening in the high desert. It is not at all what I expected. I didn't expect a desert to have cool weather, or so much life and beauty. Its funny how a desert can be so alive. There are animals everywhere and trees growing out of rocks. The Glen Workshop is held at St. John's College which is at an altitude of around 7500 feet. The sky is probably the most amazing part about this place so far. Its the most unbelievable sky I've ever seen. So blue, with huge, fluffy clouds moving across the mountains in ever changing forms. The sun is brighter here it seems, and creation just sings all around me. I did manage to find the only patch of grass on campus this afternoon and take a nap in it. Its easy to relax here. Its easy to rest.

I met Linford and Karin of Over the Rhine last night, and of course I acted like a complete spaz fangirl. I felt like a deer in headlights and walked away kicking myself for turning into a complete goober upon meeting them. However, this morning I was able to redeem myself by having an opportunity to tell my story and listen to the stories of others. I realized that I am not the only rabid fan in the high desert this week, so that was a relief. We spent the first class telling stories and remembering how music has played a role in each of our lives. It was deeply moving and I feel as though any barriers that might have prevented us from being vulnerable with each other as a group came down through that time. By telling my story and thinking about my life and music I was able to identify some areas where I really struggle with the art of creating. I am really looking forward to this week, hoping to grow in multiple avenues.

The community here is vibrant and unique, and already I've made some good friends. This blog has been more informative than creative, but my mind is still in "processing" mode after such an emotionally stimulating morning. I'll be sure to post some of the creative juices later in the week, when and if they start to flow.

At Brittany's request I've been taking "oodles" of pictures. So I'll leave you with a few shots of the incredible show sky put on for us last night. :)



Saturday, July 26, 2008

Absence Makes the Blog Grow Fonder...

Well party people, after a bit of a hiatus from blogging, I'm finally back. I found it ironically fitting that I should re-christen my blog by posting on the eve of my departure to Santa Fe, New Mexico for a week of creative muscle flexing. For those of you who do not already know about my adventure, get ready to be jealous. I'm attending the Glen Workshop where I get to learn about writing and music with Over the Rhine, as well as mingle with other writers, artists and musicians for 7 solid days.

Nelly and Brittany have insisted that I LIVE-BLOG this week, so I will do my best to keep up a daily report (with pictures) of all my goings-on and whether or not Linford, Karin and I are BFF yet. :)

In all seriousness though, I am thoroughly looking forward to this vacation. I've been so overwhelmed with work and life the last few months that I've run myself into the ground. I'm praying that this week will be a time to recharge my batteries -- physically, spiritually, emotionally and creatively. I'd covet your prayers as well for these things. Perhaps when I return I won't neglect my blog or my writing as much. Maybe I will follow Nelly's example and get my blog a new dress when I get back. Maybe she'd like a sassy southwestern outfit from Santa Fe.

Now, I really must be going. My ride for the airport leaves at 5 A.M. tomorrow morning and I haven't started packing yet. :)

(Photo by Rainer Ebert)

Sunday, June 01, 2008

face to face with the state of things...


I finished reading "Oliver Twist" by Charles Dickens last week. I have since almost finished another book. But, nevertheless, the closing paragraph of Mr. Dickens' novel has remained in the forefront of my mind. The book itself seems, in hindsight, to have been a grand soap opera of words from the 17th century. All of the necessary elements were there: scandal, crime, sex, murder, calamity and suspense. But underneath, I found the core to be made up of grace, mercy and the unbelievable presence of God's simultaneous goodness and justice towards humanity, though we rarely notice it.

The book I'm currently reading (Rosie, by Ann Lamott) is riddled with tragedy which is, I'm afraid, not uncommon in reality. There have been moments when I've laughed out loud. Others when I've wanted to cry. Still others, where I've been so angry at the turn of events that I've literally thrown the book across the room. (This is, by the way, the mark of an excellent writer, regardless of how disturbing the contents of the book.) I picked it up again tonight after a 24 hour hiatus from it. I am beginning to see glimpses of coming redemption in it. I am hoping for it.

Incidentally enough, I've also found myself reading the book of Job these last couple of months. That coupled with Toby's sermon this morning on Psalm 90 has made me think long and hard about how fleeting life truly is, and how to live in light of that truth while still holding fast to the unmovable hope we have in Christ. (You can listen to Toby's sermon here: www.redeemerchurch.net)

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this, but I know I'd like my life to change. I feel a change coming on. I've been challenged this week by various people and circumstances. I'd like to be like Oliver and Rose at the end of "Oliver Twist" as Dickens describes them. They are not strangers to hardship, yet they remain faithful to God and dependant on His goodness to sustain them. Dickens' closing paragraphs express it well:

"How the two orphans [Oliver and Rose], tried by adversity, remembered its lessons in mercy to others, and mutual love, and fervent thanks to Him who had protected and preserved them -- these are all matters which need not be told. I have said that they were truly happy; and without strong affection and humanity of heart, and gratitude to that Being whose code is Mercy, and whose great attribute is Benevolence to all things that breathe, happiness can never be attained."

(Photo by Gary Knight)

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Flyin' Solo Over the Rhine...


I drove to Asheville to see Over the Rhine tonight in concert. Try as I might, I couldn't find anyone who could accompany me. But I made up my mind to go, so I went. As it turns out, a little solo time was just what I needed. Though I sat in a room crowded with people whose names I'd never heard, I was in a world all my own. This was easily the best performance I've heard yet from OtR, hands down.

I am amazed at the power in music. There is a beauty found in music that is indescribable. Music makes something deep inside me move. Sometimes, when I hear good music, I fall into a whirling cyclone of thoughts, memories and fantasies. Other times reality hits like an 18-wheeler. Music is curious that way. It can conjure a different time or place, and can transport the mind onto the pathways of the heart which it would never dream or dare to tread on its own. Music is powerful, much the way words are powerful. I find I connect to so much of myself within music and words. Perhaps that's why I love songs and books so much. I admire those who can weave a rich tapestry with only a handful of words and notes. Over the Rhine definitely fits this description. I will never, ever tire of seeing them perform or listening to their albums.

Tonight, the band seemed so much at ease, having so much fun. Karin, waving her hands high over her head and spreading her arms wide as she sang, as if she were about to take flight; Linford immersed in his piano, eyes closed, head swaying, while the most intoxicating harmonies flowed from his fingertips. I've seen them play before, and they are always excellent. But tonight, they seemed to really be in their element. Although I sat there alone, I was in my element too, my mind travelling, heart pounding in the presence of so much beauty.

I rolled down my windows and breathed deep the fresh scent of the Pisgah woods as I drove down the mountain towards home. Pisgah has the unique quality of always smelling like it has recently rained even when it hasn't. Other than the wind, it was an outwardly silent ride. But inwardly, the music was still playing. Linford's thick, deep chords and Karin's other-worldly voice still ringing in my ears.

I had a nice night flyin' solo. But, next time I'll take you with me. :)

(Photo by Repoort)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

freshly baked tears

Today brought with it the marriage of physical exhaustion and spiritual dryness. I came home from work to a quiet house, a sick puppy, and a mess. Without speaking (which is odd for me, even when I'm alone), I turned on some Over the Rhine and began to unpack from my weekend in Charleston. I cleaned in mental silence, folded laundry and occasionally stopped to pet my sad, sick little puppy's face. At 8 O'clock I went for a walk around the neighborhood with Lindy. I just couldn't stop thinking, even though I tried. When I came home I made some dinner and sat down on the porch to read. I finished a chapter and then decided to see if I could muster up something to blog about.

I felt at a loss for words. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't stop thinking about all the secret fears which welled up to the surface last night after talking with my roommate about life and loving others. I couldn't stop worrying about my sick dog, and whether she is going to be OK. I couldn't stop feeling guilty for dancing like a crazy woman so many nights in a row that I've become physically exhausted to the point that I can scarcely find the energy to pray. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that my roommate, who I've only just begun to know and love so dearly, closed on her house today, marking the beginning of the end of our tenancy together.

And so, in these moments of being trapped between my own thoughts, I decided to read some of my old posts. I chose to read posts under the label "God's Goodness." I read through almost one year's worth of entries speaking the truth of God's goodness to me. Thick, heavy tears came quickly to my eyes and fell down upon my cheeks like stones being thrown into placid water. They seemed to flow from a deep well mixed with joy and sadness at the same time. The ripples are still spreading out, forming large rings in my heart and mind.

Its amazing to me how God will meet me even in my weakness when I am too weak to pray; to weak to do anything with my fear and worry except lay it out honestly and say "I don't know what to do with all of this!!"

I am glad tomorrow is Friday. I get to be with my community group tomorrow night at Barley's. I get to spend my Saturday at home. I get to rest on Sunday - I get to be with my Father and His family.... I long for the fellowship of the Church. I long for the fellowship of Christ. It is good for me to have solitude sometimes. It is good for me to be quiet. It is good for me to remember what is truly important.

(Photo by Caliope)

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

addendum to the previous two posts

I forgot to mention the two fabulous dance partners in the video clips previously posted. At the Friday Evening Dance I had the honor of dancing with Wallace Ryerson, and at Folly Beach Pier, Matt Truett.

Charleston Lindy Exchange - Swing Dancing

One more short clip from the Friday evening dance in Charleston. Wallace and I never plan to color coordinate, but somehow it always works out that way. I guess that's what happens when your favorite color is red. :)

Swing Dancing at Folly Beach Pier

I spent the weekend in Charleston, SC dancing at the second annual Charleston Lindy Exchange. Here's a little video of me dancing at the Folly Beach Pier. Dancing on a beautiful day overlooking the ocean has definitely made it into my top 5 dance experiences. It was prime atmosphere.

Disclaimer: please ignore the stupid things I do with my feet. :)

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

glimpses of light


I realize that I have neglected this blog for quite some time. So much so, that its beginning to look more like an amateur Japanese poetry corner than anything else. I would not be surprised if my few faithful readers had long ago given up hope that I would ever write anything worth reading on the old blogger again. To be honest though, I haven't been writing much at all lately. I've not been doing lots of things. I've just been sort of making my way through each day, one senseless hour at a time, either feeling too much of everything at once or not feeling much of anything at all. And more often, the latter.

This unwelcome numbness has settled into my life at a strange time. It has not settled on me during a time of hardship, sickness, loneliness, or pain. On the contrary I find that most days I want for nothing, and when I think about my life I am astonished at the immense blessing which has been poured out on me.

This evening while I was sitting outside in my backyard reading Oliver Twist I felt a tiny tug against my determined will to finish chapter 34, calling me to let my mind wander. I felt my mind and my senses being awakened, just for a few moments. My insides were flooded with newness and hope in a few fleeting moments as if I had just opened my eyes for the first time. I decided to make a list of all the things that I could think of that do my soul good; things that start sparks in my heart, allowing me to desire Jesus with freshness. Perhaps I can look back to my list when the smog inevitably settles in again, clouding my vision, threatening to quench that desire in me which so longs to burst into abundant flame.

It Does My Soul Good:

1. to be alone sometimes
2. to breathe deep the thick, sweet perfume of honeysuckle
3. to hold the soft face of my puppy in my hands
4. to swing high on the tree swing without fear
5. to listen to very old Rich Mullins tapes (yes, tapes)
6. to read the words that Jesus prayed for me in John
7. to jump in a pile of freshly laundered sheets
8. to drive to the mountains, just because
9. to write a poem for my mama
10. to listen to my sister
11. to clean things
12. to be reminded that I am human, and that life is not about being happy
13. to feel the power of the wind when it almost knocks me over
14. to be honest
15. to stop talking
16. to stand outside and listen to the rain
17. to make good food for someone else
18. to play with children
19. to stare at the many different colors of green in the trees
20. to close my eyes in the middle of the day
21. to rely upon my daddy, and be ok with it
22. to dance till my sides hurt

(Image by inkswamp)

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Rainy Day Writing...

I woke up to this morning to another April shower giving life to the blooming Dogwoods and Redbuds outside. I have the great privilege of spending this entire rainy day at home; alone. My roommate is in Charleston this weekend for the Cooper River Run and I have the house to myself. "What a perfect day for writing," I said to myself as I looked out the window at the gray sky. And writing day it is.

Here I sit in my lovely new study, (compliments of the empty room), with a strong cup of Irish Breakfast tea in my favorite "Hey Roomie" mug from Jenny. My puppy is laying at my feet, perfectly content to work on her "everlasting treat" that I gave her after breakfast. Everything is in place. The lamps are lit, the window shutters are open and Linford is playing a dusty old upright piano somewhere off in the distance. This blog entry is just the preamble. I'm excited to have this day to work on all my random writing projects in turn.

"tip-tip-tip-tap-tap-tip-tip-tap-tap-tap."

The sound of my fingers hitting the keys blends musically with the rhythm of the raindrops. Ahhh.....I have needed a day of solitude for quite some time now. Tis a happy rainy Saturday indeed. :)

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Haiku Tuesday (on Wednesday) : Empty Room

Ok, so the Haiku is a little late this week. Better late than never though, I suppose! :)

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Showers and Weddings and Brides, Oh My!


I just realized this morning that it has been an entire week since I posted an entry, and I was thoroughly ashamed of myself. "I can't post TWO Tuesday haikus in a row!" I thought. That would just be getting off easy. But the reality is that this past week has been, as Jennster would put it, "insane in the membrane." I feel as though I'm just now beginning to come back to earth as I've been wandering around in "wedding land" for a week and God has been seriously working on my heart through it all.

For those of you who aren't up to speed, I'll fill you in. My roommate just got married on Friday night. I was not in the wedding party, but living with the bride still puts one in the realm of bridedom to a certain degree. I'll be honest and say that it hasn't been easy for me this week, that God has been breaking through giant walls in my life and that it hurts. But at the same time, I can already feel the healing that inevitably comes after God tears down idols and walls in my life. I will not expound too much more about the details of that here. Its one of those things I prefer to reserve for the face-to-face (or telephone) conversations that so often get pushed aside by our easy Internet friendships. Its my contribution to the "get-people-back-in-your-face-and-be-real-with-them" movement. :)

Needless to say, I am very glad it is a new week, and that there are new adventures to be had, new people to know and new beauty to behold awaiting me in the coming days.

This post is admittedly short, but it is almost time for me to leave for work, and I'm not ready yet. And not to worry, the Tuesday haiku will be posted later today, as usual. :)

(Photo by Bondidwhat)

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Highway to the Danger Zone: Six Speeds


I went to lunch today with my co-worker Betty. Betty is a petite woman in her mid-fifties with a sweet, girlish voice and a delightful laugh. You wouldn't know it on first meeting her that she and her husband ride motorcycles or that she has a serious affection for sports cars. She told me today of all the different cars she's had in her life, almost all of them having been sports cars of one kind or another. Betty just recently got a silver 350Z. When we walked out to the parking lot today to go to lunch, she handed me the keys and asked if I wanted to drive. My eyes lit up like I was a kid again on Christmas morning beholding that beautiful green bicycle, complete with training wheels and new found freedom.

It was quite windy outside and raining, but inside the Z, I was in another world. The black leather seats warmed underneath me with the growl of the engine as I sped up and changed gears. (Side note: I have a secret love of cars with manual transmission - driving is so much more fun with the power to change gears at my fingertips.) Betty turned on the CD player to reveal the soundtrack of Top Gun. I grinned and turned it up loud. Now, I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot cruising along, singing aloud, bopping my head to the beat and grinning so widely that my cheeks hurt. But in my mind I had just been transported to the cockpit of a fighter jet, speeding along through the clouds, racing against the wind and soaking in the rain that pounded steadily against the windshield. Betty just kept giggling at me.

The thrill of driving that fast sports car on a dark afternoon in the rain with the sound of "Top Gun" in my ears lasted for several hours. I have a hard time not grinning even now as I remember it. But this evening, I've been thinking on the words of that song "Danger Zone" that keeps running through my head. I can't help but think of the dangerous roads I've wandered down in recent years, months, weeks, even hours. For example, last night I caught my mind wandering into memories of my past foolishness. This weekend I let myself swim in the depths of my frustration and dissatisfaction. And this evening, as I watched the film "Into the Wild" with my roommate, I found myself longing to leave everything behind and journey out into the world without looking back.

These are all dangerous highways. There were thrilling moments, to be sure, in the beginning. But the thrill usually wears off too quickly. I suppose life is a dangerous highway regardless of where you live or what you do. We're going to make terribly foolish mistakes no matter what. I am reminded of C.S. Lewis' Aslan, fiercely dangerous, yet full of goodness and rightness. I'm comforted to know that Jesus is like that, walking by my side even when I wander down lanes I shouldn't, picking me up when I fall, helping me learn from my mistakes and showing me where the real thrill of life is found: in following Him, on all six speeds.

Of course He isn't safe. Of course He isn't tame for goodness sake. God never promised me that I wouldn't have to live through scary things or that my own sin wouldn't be a danger to me. But he is good. This I know to be true. And I'm not the one behind the wheel, which is also a good thing. So I can be glad to be on this highway, even if it is dangerous at times.

(Photo by: Bill on Capital Hill)

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Haiku Tuesday: Clouds

In an attempt to broaden and stretch my wordy horizons and discipline myself to think creatively and write things down, I will be gradually introducing some new practices into my writer's diet. The first new practice is to write a Haiku once a week, on Tuesdays. I'm taking my inspiration from Nelly's Streams for Sunday, and I may end up creating other "days of the week" writing tasks as I think of them. (And if Nelly will allow, I may start streaming on Sundays too at some point...) :) So, here is the beginning of Haiku Tuesday. Enjoy.



Thursday, March 13, 2008

the color of dusk

I wish my eyes were like wide lens cameras. I am always wishing that the images I see with my eyes could be recorded, exactly as I see them, for me to come back to and revisit again and again. It would be great if I could flip through the images that enter my pupils like slides on a screen. Or like one of those little Fisher Price View-Masters I had as a kid, with the circular reels of miniature slides. I used to love putting those big plastic binoculars up to my eyes and clicking through the pictures. If my mind’s eye were like the View-Master, each time I blinked it would click to the next image, captured perfectly for me to enjoy again and again.

I was thinking about this tonight as I was squeezing in my run just before dusk. I wished that my eyes were able to permanently capture the beauty in the sky so that I could share it with everyone when I got home. But then, I guess that’s what writing is for, so here goes.

The coming of dusk tonight reminded me of a water color painting that I bought in a snow covered square in St. Petersburg several years ago. The sky was rent with long horizontal brush strokes fanning upward in colors of orange, pink, pale blue and ivory. The colors quickly became richer and thicker, hiding the sun behind dark indigo blue and purple like the color of cone flowers. Slender streaks of rose seemed to extend out from underneath the dark blue cloak of clouds, back lighting the sky with lavender hues. I passed the white steeple of “El Camino,” the Iglesia Evangelica whose bright silhouette stood out as if it were a picture in a pop-up book. It was the opposite of the bare trees whose thin branches looked charred like the color of charcoal against the sky’s canvas.

When I rounded the corner on the last stretch of my run, the clouds overhead had blended into the deep gray of evening. The vibrant colors which lit the sky moments before had faded into darkness now. I looked down and noticed a sharp black shadow moving over the flashing marquee of the S&S Cafeteria and the intermittent blinking of red and green from the stoplights. I didn’t recognize it at first, but after a moment I realized that it was me.

(Photo by jpstanley)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Sun Day = Run Day = Fun Day


I love warm sunny days like today. And now with the saving of the sun I am joyfully surprised again that its so bright outside, even at 7 pm. I decided that a day such as today was a perfect day for a run. So at approximately 6:22 pm I set out on my little neighborhood course under a big blue sky.

For those of you who may be gasping, "Wait...MEL?? RUN??? What about her life motto of 'I hate running'?" Yes, shocking as it may seem, I have finally found the joy of running. I started out slowly, and I'm still working my way up to hopefully being able to run for 30 minutes solid. This week I'm running in intervals of 5 minutes and 3 minutes with walk breaks for a total time of 30 minutes. A couple of weeks ago I participated in my first ever 5k race. I didn't run the whole time, but I think I did pretty well finishing in 37 minutes and 45 seconds. Not too shabby. And the best part is that I had a blast.

I try to change my course a little bit each week so that I don't get bored with the scenery. Tonight I went up my street and over to Azalea Court where I first passed the house with the insta-green-spray-on-lawn. The yard looks like its covered in fur the color that copper turns when it oxidizes. I like to think of it like those spray-on tans, except for grass. I wonder which would look worse in my yard: copper green spray grass or the current muddy slab covered in holes with shards of demolished grass hanging onto to the last possible semblance of life? These are deep curious ponderings...

Next I pass the house I like to call "House of a Thousand Daffodils." I just want to pause here to say that I think daffodils are one of the happiest flowers God made. They just grin at the sky with gladness and wave at me when I run past. Every time I go by that house I want to run over in the yard a pick a whole bouquet full of yellow smiles to take home with me.

Then I circle around on the main road past the Taco Casa (which smells strangely like the state fair to me... maybe its the fried grease...), Fresh Market, Fire Station and 3 dentist offices all in a row until I make it back into the neighborhood. Then I repeat.

As I came down the final stretch towards my house tonight I was thanking God for simple pleasures like running, daffodils and spray-on-grass that make me giggle.

I think running is good for the soul for many reasons, but particularly because it is a metaphor for life and I like metaphors. So I'll end this rambling post with good advice on running (and living) from Shakespeare:

"Wisely and slow; they stumble that run fast." (Romeo & Juliet Act II: scene 3)

(Photo by Zed.cat)

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Juno: I give it many thumbs up!

Well folks, its my turn to try my hand a little movie review!

A couple of months ago I was riding along in my car, listening to the local "public" radio which is code for "cool indy jazz n blue grass." One of the things I like about this radio station is that they play cool things I've never heard before. So on this particular morning, I heard a song that the DJ said came from the soundtrack of a movie called "Juno." I'd never heard of the movie before, nor did I have any idea what it was about, but by the end of the song I was convinced I would like it. Its funny to me how I can make a judgement call on a film based on the soundtrack. Strange as that may be, my calculations were correct. Two months later, I finally made it to the theater to see Juno for myself.

I think this is one of the most honest films I have seen in a long time. The characters are witty and edgy, yet beautifully human and down to earth. Its the story of a teenage girl who gets pregnant, and how the experience helps her to better understand who she is, what love is really about, the importance of family and how much she has left to grow up. Its artfully done, with an excellent script and creative cinematography. But underneath all the surface humor and candidness are serious life lessons and hard questions that everyone asks themselves deep down.

Its the stuff of life via a mouthy teenager. I love that. Its honest. Its real. And it speaks volumes. Not to mention it has an excellent soundtrack. (If you're into weird music like I am.)

So, I highly recommend JUNO. I give it many thumbs up. Go see it, if you haven't already. This one has definitely earned a spot in my DVD collection. :)

Sunday, March 02, 2008

the strong discipline tree


I've been coming to terms with some of my frustrations this evening. The primary one is my lack of passion for anything lately. Its very unlike me. I tend to be an overly passionate, intense person. Its not that I don't have moments of excitement or surges of creativity but lately those moments seem to be short lived and peripheral. I think I need more solitude, and more discipline. I suppose that would help a great deal. Especially with writing and with prayer.

I was talking with my friend George tonight about the curse of the muse. Once you have a muse it seems impossible to create (or write in my case) without one. But in reality I think true art comes from within rather than from without. Depending on some outside muse can easily hinder us from ever really improving. Not that outside inspiration is bad, I just think it can become a stumbling block if it becomes the well from which we draw out the essentials of what we are attempting to create. Discipline seems to be a requirement for genuine improvement in any creative activity. It forges ahead even when we want to sit down in the dust of our dry spells and wait for rain. If we didn't have discipline to move us forward we'd die of thirst before we ever reached another well of fresh water. Discipline helps us grow like trees; unnoticeable and slow, but to great strength and stature in the end. I found some truth and encouragement tonight on the subject of strength and prayer from one of Rilke's letters to his wife.

"Life has unending possibilities of renewal. Yes, but this too; that the using of strength in a certain sense is always increase of strength also; for fundamentally we have to do only with a wide cycle: all strength that we give away comes over us again, experienced and altered. Thus it is in prayer. And what is there, truly done, that is not prayer?"

I think Rilke got this right, at least in his summation of strength and the way giving it also produces it. But I think it produces strength of a different kind; the kind that helps us endure, like trees, for many years through all sorts of weather. And perhaps prayer is like this too. The more we pray and discipline ourselves to it, the more our own prayers enrich and strengthen our spirits to pray more, and as a result we grow.

My problem with disciplines like these is that I lack patience. I would like to make an attempt to find regular periods of solitude in my life. I think I need to stop watching so much television, for starters. I think it would quiet my mind and spirit. Hopefully, I will be able to say as Rilke wrote to Rodin that, "I am able more and more to make use of that long patience you have taught me by your tenacious example; that patience which, disproportionate to ordinary life which seems to bid us haste, puts us in touch with all that surpasses us."

I think this patience is key.

I hope to write more this week. Come back again soon. :)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

the green door...

I woke up in the quiet darkness of the morning. I looked over at my clock. It wasn't that early; already seven o'clock. The sun is usually streaming in my window at seven o'clock determined to force me out of my coziness and into the day. But not this morning. It was still rather dark outside and utterly still. There are usually some birds chirping or dogs barking, but not this morning. All the same, I was awake so I rolled out of bed, put on my slippers and bathrobe and walked to the back door to let the dogs outside.

I stood on the porch for a few moments, blinking the lingering sleep out of my eyes. I blinked again. Was it getting darker? Surely not. The sky was gray with a thick blanket of clouds. A slight breeze began to rustle the leaves of the oak tree. It was getting darker. Then I heard the first drops. Pit-pat-pat-pat-pit-pit. The dogs heard it too and hastily scurried back onto the porch, for the wind was picking up now. The wind chimes hanging in the dogwood began to sway and sing. And then it seemed that night had won a wrestling match with day as the darkness settled over the sky and ground, and the storm began to flex its muscles. The rain was pounding down now and the wind swept up against the house in a steady rhythm. I saw the first flash of lightning and heard the low rumble of thunder in the distance. The momentary glimpse of light seemed to bounce off of every corner of the yard and then disappear again into the dark shadows.

The dogs were getting anxious now and beat their tails against the door, begging me to let them back inside. I sighed and conceded to their whining. I stopped short of stepping back into the kitchen. Something about the back door seemed familiar. I’m not sure whether it was the large tri-paned window looking out to the porch or the chipped green paint that curled up around the edges, tempting me to peel it off in long strips, but it was definitely familiar. It made me think of my Grandmother’s kitchen door.

Although it has been many years since her death, I can still remember her kitchen door. It was a Dutch door with two doorknobs. The top half held a large window which opened to the back patio and the sharp fragrance of boxwoods. On the bottom half a nail hung a long string of old metal bells which made loud jangling noises every time the door opened and closed. The sound was like a cathedral of cow bells, all ringing at different times with slightly different tones. As a child, I could reach the bottom doorknob with ease and took great joy in opening the bottom half and creeping outside as if I were a rabbit peering out of my rabbit hole. My sister and I always preferred to use the kitchen door instead of the front door for this very reason. It was as if the door was made specifically for curious children who couldn't decide if they wanted to be inside or out.

My Grandmother’s door was painted green, like mine, only a bit darker. Her door was painted to match the olive colored cabinets and sage colored refrigerator in the kitchen. Like the door, it was a curious kitchen. A small black and white television sat on the edge of the counter with tall bunny ear antennas straining to hold a signal. The cabinets held treasures and secrets. I knew which cabinet held the cinnamon sugar and which held the life cereal and the raisin bran. And I also knew that behind the raisin bran was hidden an olive-green rotary telephone. It was exactly the same color green as the inside of the cereal cabinet where it sat camouflaged. It might have gone unnoticed to the unsuspecting breakfaster, if not for the startling, old fashioned ring which sounded like a bell being hammered with mallets.

Breakfast was my favorite meal at her house. I remember waking up before the sun and tiptoeing down the dark, silent hallway, through the living room and into the green glow flooding out of the kitchen where my Grandmother stood by the stove in her colored housecoat cooking sausage patties and watching gray images flicker on that tiny old television set.

Yes, the back door was definitely similar to my Grandmother's. Perhaps that's why it so quickly felt like home here after I moved in. I let the memories wash over me for a moment.
I was a child again, and there standing before me was the image of the quiet, petite woman who reigned in that small green kitchen over all its quirks and secrets.

I grinned to myself. It's time for breakfast, I thought. And I walked to the stove and put the kettle on.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Goodnight Moon...


Last night my roommate and I bundled ourselves in our warmest coats, scarves and hats. We packed a bottle of wine and the quilt off of the couch. We drove into the mountains, to a place where the trees clear to reveal a wide, smooth rock that looks out over the city and the foothills. It's called Bald Rock. I used to come up to this place often when I was in college. I knew it would be the perfect place to visit the moon. It was pretty much deserted when we arrived. We found a spot where the rock seemed to dip in, like a deep ladle. We spread out our blankets and settled underneath them to wait for the eclipse. I suggested we tell each other stories while we waited. Lindsay didn't get too far with the story she began, so I took over. When the end finally came, she paused for a moment and then said teasingly, "You read too many books, you know." :) I smiled and took it as a great compliment.

The rock had slowly filled with people by the time my story ended. There were groups, small and large gathered across the long cold stone. Some had built small fires and I could see the outline of their faces against the warm orange glow in the distance. Others were standing near the edge of the mountain where all that lighted in the darkness were the ends of a few lone cigarettes. Couples trailed off two by two. And still others sat in half circles laughing and huddling together for warmth. What began as a quiet murmur of voices was now a loud chorus of various conversations.

And then I heard the faint strumming of a guitar. It came from somewhere off to my right. The strumming became louder and the voices seemed to die away. And then a single, clear, beautiful voice sang out into the darkness. No one spoke as the guitar strummed and the girl sang. It was as if her song had temporarily put everyone into a compulsory silence. I blinked as I looked up at the sky and then I was in another time, another place.

I was 19, and I was standing on the balcony of a dormitory at Furman listening to a couple of guys talk about Jesus. We sang out praises to the Lord with the strumming of their guitars and we held nothing back in our songs. Then I was leaning against a tree, deep in the Colorado Rockies, where twenty minutes seemed like a lifetime, and a shooting star assured me that my prayers had been heard. Then it was Easter morning before the sun had risen. I was 21 that year and had no idea what the next steps for my life were. I sat on the great rock with my dear friend Beth waiting for dawn and the promise of new life and resolved to trust and follow even though I could not see exactly where the Lord was taking me. The rock then turned to grass, and it was late on a midsummer's night in a garden in southern Germany. I was laying on my back with Jenna, pointing out constellations, discussing life and marvelling at how we had landed ourselves half way across the world. Then I found myself in a candlelit room with 6 or 7 other precious women whose hands were laid on my head, arms, legs and back as they covered me with their prayers. Then the room disappeared and I was once again standing on this same Bald Rock, not quite one year ago, weeping as I held out my heart before the Lord, broken and bleeding.

I blinked. The end of the girl's song seemed to jolt me back into the present. I looked up at the moon and it was almost completely shadowed in deep bronze. Only a sliver of silver remained. As I took in the great expanse of sky above me I noticed that thousands and thousands of stars had appeared in the absence of the moon's glow. Hot tears stung my cold face and I felt the weight of God's bigness and vastness sweep over me. He met me there in those moments and whispered the evidence of his goodness and the fulfillment of His promises to me just as Jesus explained all of the law and the prophets to the disciples on the road to Emmaus. And like them, my heart burned within me.

It is still winter here, where I live. But I can see and feel the first signs of spring as surely as the daffodil buds push their way through the cold ground in my yard.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

a long dry winter...

Do you ever feel as though winter will never end? I don't just mean with the weather. I mean, the winter of life - winter of the soul. For a couple of months now I have felt strangely like I'm walking through a spiritual tundra. Its cold and dry in my spirit, which I think is almost worse than cold and wet. I cannot say it is for lack of blessing. That is part of what is so strange to me. I am walking through a season of immense blessing at the moment. So, I'm not sure I understand it. I could blame it on being too busy or being overwhelmed with school, work, and life. I could blame it on my living situation or a lack of sleep or even the cold weather. But I don't really think there is an appropriate "blame." I think it is just a season, cold and dry as it may be. I'm sure there is something to learn in it.

I suppose it is possible to walk through drought and blessing at the same time. Either way, I am praying for spring to come soon, in more than just the weather.

(winter sky photo by vnysia)

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Oh, the times they are a'changin'


Well for those of you who've wondered where my blog presence has been for the last several weeks, here is your answer:

new year, new legal class, and new job.

That's right folks, I've begun a new, and difficult class in my studies this month and YES I've started working in a new job. Not just any job though, a real job - a great opportunity - a fountain of blessing. I am now the office manager, paralegal, and legal assistant to Paul Hammack, at the one and only, Hammack Law Firm, P.A.. Needless to say, my evenings are full with my studies, and my days are full with work. And my sleep is full of restlessness as a result of both. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE my new job. I have a fantastic boss. In fact, I'd say, he's as good as they come. :) But, being a paralegal and office manager in a brand new law firm is hard work, especially when you have no former experience. (like me.) I love being busy with real work. Luckily, I only have 3 months or so left of my schooling, so after that I'll have more time to breathe in the evenings. (and hopefully more blogging too.)

In the meantime, I find my peace in simple things, like nice, old fashioned wooden desks. ahhh the beauty of it. It feels so solid, smells so earthy, and looks so distinguished. I now have a big wooden desk in my own space at work. (at the moment.) It makes me feel important, needed, and kind of, well, smart. I haven't felt that way with regards to my job in a while. Moooooovin' on up! Its weird to say, but check it out, "I'm a PARALEGAL now!" :) :)

I'll post more soon when my life evens out a bit. For now, I'm off to KY to visit my best friend for the weekend and a little brain detox after a slightly overwhelming first week.