hello dear blog.
Love is a curious thing. Sometimes I wonder at how I feel so far off from it, even when it wells up inside me. I think I'm realizing in a new way that true love is sacrificial. Obviously there is the ultimate sacrificial love: Jesus. But, the reality is that love, even in my everyday life, must be sacrificial. What does that look like? I'm not entirely sure. I have an idea, and I'm pretty certain that its the hardest thing to really live out consistently. I hate that it is hard.
Let me recap my weekend. Perhaps these thoughts will mesh into some sign of intelligent life on mars.
A man asked my roommate to be his wife this weekend. He took her to the Biltmore Estate and carried her across a river. I suppose it was meant to be symbolic. Would she follow him into the tide? Would she trust him to carry her? Would he love her more than himself, even if the water rose to dangerous heights? The answer is yes. She said yes. He said yes. They are getting married in March. Its beautiful, really.
Saturday night I went to a Wedding reception. The bride was absolutely stunning. There was beauty all around. Words were spoken about the marriage vows and what they mean. I found comfort in hearing that even in this we cannot fulfil those vows without Christ. He is sufficient when we are not. I saw my dear friends, George and Terri (parents of the bride) looking joyful. That made my heart smile. At one point the photographer gathered the family together. Now this was a beautiful picture. In the center were George and Terri (parents) and around them were their newlywed daughter and son-in-law, next to them their son and his wife, and then their other daughter and her fiancee. They all kissed their beloved ones as the camera flashed. It was beautiful.
There has been much on my mind these past few days that has slowly been sinking into my bloodstream. I have yet to be able to express it. The hard part about all this is that while I am excited and moved to tears by these beautiful, even wonderful events, somewhere inside me is a very selfish little girl who can't stop looking inward. I have mulled over my fears of being alone when my roommate(s) leave, and my fears of never knowing this type of love. I've been sad when I've pondered the idea that somebody must want to be around another person all the time to want to marry them. That is hard to imagine in my life. I don't really like to be around me all the time, and I've lived with myself for 27 years. I've looked inward, and struggled to pour out into the lives of those around me.
Love must be sacrificial. Even in the small things. Tonight I was alone while my roommates were out celebrating. I wasn't invited. I felt lonely. I felt hurt. And as I mulled over these feelings and all the events of the weekend I realized that even in this I struggled to love them. I asked God to help me see beyond myself. He did. I forgot myself long enough to love on them when they got home. Its hard to sacrifice, especially my own self-love and self-pity. That is often the hardest thing to give up.
And now I run to the lover of my soul - the one who was sacrificed for me and who lives to intercede for me - the one who despite the blackest parts of my soul, says "I want to be with you all the time. I want to marry you." Oh that I may learn to love fully and deeply -in every day life... that I may learn that love is not about me.
For some more interesting (and much more coherent) thoughts on this topic, check out a recent post on Revol.
goodnight dear blog.
2 comments:
beautiful honesty. how refreshing. know you are not alone in this. thank you for sharing.
Yesterday I was eating lunch with some friends after church and I had this stirring realization: I'm becoming an adult. I've had small indications of this in other areas of my life, but I've refused to fully accept them. I was with two married couples and both wives are pregnant. One, with her second.
Amidst all the pregnant talk I felt somewhat alienated and alone. I'd say I'm a happy single guy and happy with singleness, but that doesn't mean I'm not ever plagued with loneliness, even in the middle of good friends. Their world seems so foreign to me and I wonder what that life would be like.
After God made Adam, Adam noticed his own loneliness, even in perfection. In Genesis 2:20 it says: "So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found." It sounds as if he noticed that there were male and female partners for all the animals, but he failed to see his counter part like all the animals had. God made us to be social creatures.
There are many times when I wish I had someone who cared just for me, I'm thankful that God has provided the friends he has in my life. They're not a perfect replacement, but they'll do until God brings the right girl into my life. Knowing this helps with the lonely moments.
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