the quiet things are good for you...

I'm learning lately that I need more quiet things in my life. I'm beginning to realize that it is healthy to spend a more significant amount of time winding down. Someone recently commented how surprising it is that I should enjoy spending an evening alone with a book and glass of wine. In the midst of so little sleep this summer, I think I appreciate the rare hours of peace much more than I ever have.

But, I haven't only found moments of peace in being by myself. I've found it in genuine friendships, long conversations, and community dinners. There is something so wonderful about being able to rest in another person's presence; whether sitting on the porch early in the morning with my roommate, sharing piping hot cups of tea and long conversations at night with a friend or taking a walk through town without feeling like I have to talk. I find solace in things like a simple, heartfelt hug and listening. Listening is something I'm learning to do better. These days, I'm finding new life in listening to other people.

Last night I slept without any external help. Granted, it took me several hours to fall asleep, but I slept nonetheless. I napped today on my own as well, which was incredibly rejuvenating. Tonight I turned on Over the Rhine's Drunkard's Prayer on the porch and took a few minutes to soar high on my tree swing as the sun was setting. I like feeling the thick wind brush against my face. I like rocking in my teak rocking chair under a blue gray sky, the dark fuzzy shadow of of the dogwoods forming a great canopy of peace and quiet around me. The soft, steady chorus of crickets is soothing, with the occasional cicada singing out a bright solo.

I'm hoping to sleep again on my own tonight, perhaps a few hours longer.

Its good to finally be able to say that I feel at home somewhere. I've not felt truly at home in a very long time. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there.

Photo by ilkin.

sometimes...

...life hands me things that make me smile in spite of myself. :-D

the world can wait

Lately my life seems to be spinning faster than the earth. I don't know why I feel constant pressure to "fill up" every moment of my time and energy with extra-curricular activities, people pleasing, and to-do lists. Tonight is the first night that I have rested since I returned from my vacation in Santa Fe. It seems odd that I would come home from a week long Sabbath only to disregard the principle in my "regular" life. But then again, this is a part of being human I suppose.

This evening I've found refreshment in simple things: washing dishes; reading old letters and journals; throwing a tennis ball; walking barefoot in the damp grass; listening to new music; letting the porch fan sweep a warm night breeze through my hair; meditating on a psalm.

I need more nights like tonight. I need to live in slow motion. I want to savor the genuine moments of connecting with other people. I smile inside when I think of these rare gifts. I don't want them to pass me by. I want to protect the Sabbath in my life.

Life is too short not to go deep. The world can wait....

(Photo by DOS82)

Haiku Tuesday (on Wednesday) : Empty Room

Ok, so the Haiku is a little late this week. Better late than never though, I suppose! :)

Sun Day = Run Day = Fun Day

I love warm sunny days like today. And now with the saving of the sun I am joyfully surprised again that its so bright outside, even at 7 pm. I decided that a day such as today was a perfect day for a run. So at approximately 6:22 pm I set out on my little neighborhood course under a big blue sky.

For those of you who may be gasping, "Wait...MEL?? RUN??? What about her life motto of 'I hate running'?" Yes, shocking as it may seem, I have finally found the joy of running. I started out slowly, and I'm still working my way up to hopefully being able to run for 30 minutes solid. This week I'm running in intervals of 5 minutes and 3 minutes with walk breaks for a total time of 30 minutes. A couple of weeks ago I participated in my first ever 5k race. I didn't run the whole time, but I think I did pretty well finishing in 37 minutes and 45 seconds. Not too shabby. And the best part is that I had a blast.

I try to change my course a little bit each week so that I don't get bored with the scenery. Tonight I went up my street and over to Azalea Court where I first passed the house with the insta-green-spray-on-lawn. The yard looks like its covered in fur the color that copper turns when it oxidizes. I like to think of it like those spray-on tans, except for grass. I wonder which would look worse in my yard: copper green spray grass or the current muddy slab covered in holes with shards of demolished grass hanging onto to the last possible semblance of life? These are deep curious ponderings...

Next I pass the house I like to call "House of a Thousand Daffodils." I just want to pause here to say that I think daffodils are one of the happiest flowers God made. They just grin at the sky with gladness and wave at me when I run past. Every time I go by that house I want to run over in the yard a pick a whole bouquet full of yellow smiles to take home with me.

Then I circle around on the main road past the Taco Casa (which smells strangely like the state fair to me... maybe its the fried grease...), Fresh Market, Fire Station and 3 dentist offices all in a row until I make it back into the neighborhood. Then I repeat.

As I came down the final stretch towards my house tonight I was thanking God for simple pleasures like running, daffodils and spray-on-grass that make me giggle.

I think running is good for the soul for many reasons, but particularly because it is a metaphor for life and I like metaphors. So I'll end this rambling post with good advice on running (and living) from Shakespeare:

"Wisely and slow; they stumble that run fast." (Romeo & Juliet Act II: scene 3)

(Photo by Zed.cat)

Outstretched heart...

There is a strange sensation that comes from giving oneself away. I think our culture lies to us when it tells us that the greatest pleasure and joy comes from seeking self-satisfaction. I have felt jaded and slightly empty of late, and I think it is because I have not been giving my life away. I was pleasantly surprised today when circumstances thrust me into several situations where others had to come first. This is a hard thing to do, but oh the wonder of how it fills up the dry caverns in my soul.

I found myself in a conversation with a friend this afternoon which I cannot mention explicitly but I will say moved me in the deeper places of my heart. My heart broke for her. I felt there were so many things I needed to say to her, and I'm sure I didn't say them all very well. But whatever I did say, I can see that God is at work in them. I prayed much today, and none of it was about me. I felt renewed after tasting again the sweetness of intercession for those who don't know how to pray for themselves. Its been awhile.

When I came home tonight I overheard my roommate on the telephone talking to a colleague about a difficult situation at school. (She teaches kindergarten.) When I asked her if she wanted some tea, she began to cry. My heart broke for her as well. I hugged her. Shortly thereafter, she asked me if I would go to the Asian market with her to help her find what she needed to prepare an elaborate "Korean feast" for her students and their parents on Friday. She seemed overly stressed, and I couldn't refuse such a humble request. My sole mission quickly became finding the strange ingredients needed for a Korean dish we didn't even have a proper recipe for. We went to two different Asian stores on opposite sides of town, called a Korean store, and even called one of my half-Korean friends to ask his mom for help. I quickly forgot about whatever I had planned on doing this Wednesday evening. We finally had everything resolved, ingredients found, and recipes complete. Then I made dinner for us and felt that all was well with the world. I even shared my lasagna with my puppy because she makes me smile inside that she is safe at home. :)

Perhaps this has become somewhat of a ramble tonight, but I think there is something to it. There is something good about putting people and relationships before activities and schedules. There is something life giving in the process of giving your life away to others. I used to live in that world more than I do now. I miss it.

A wise king once said, "Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again." (Ecclesiastes 11:1) This is what is so beautiful about the body of Christ. He made himself everlasting bread for us - and we are casting our bread out to others. Oh, how sweet is the life found in it!

I want a bigger heart to pour out and wider hands to stretch open.

(Heart in Hands photo by Wolfsoul)

productivity is bliss

I have had an incredibly productive weekend. That productivity extended into my Monday as well. The last few months I have felt like there is too much to do, and too little time. When nothing gets completed I feel drained, frustrated, and even guilty. But there is a measure of satisfaction in completing a project, reaching a goal, and watching your time multiply as you use it wisely. I'm surprised at how rested I feel tonight, and how rested I've been all weekend despite all the work I got done. Maybe that's the catch. Hard work is rewarded with good rest. I'm going to make a list of all the things I got done, because I like lists. :)

Wed night:

Made turkey brine and brined turkey.
Made turkey broth.
Made potato casserole with my sister.
Won a game a scrabble with a four letter, 72 point word. (yesssss)

Thurs:

Roasted turkey.
Made gravy.
Had a fantastic time with the family.
Rested.

Fri:

Rested.
Got my car fixed.
Cleaned out my car.
Unpacked and cleaned my room.
Cleaned the rest of the house from top to bottom.
Put up Christmas tree.
Watched a movie and rested.

Sat:

Decorated Christmas tree.
Ran errands
Put up outside lights and rest of Christmas decorations.
Made homemade stockings for me, my roommates, and our dogs. (6 total!)
Made butter cookies from scratch. (yum)
Cleaned kitchen (again)
Watched football.
Worked on homework and planned Sunday School lesson.
Rested.

Sun:

Went to church. (taught Sunday school)
Finished all my essays and assignments for this week.
Put in a Pampered Chef order.
Great fellowship at community group.
Rested.

AND TODAY - MONDAY:

I actually got to do some real work on a case today which was great! I finished the project that was given to me, as well as all the other crazy Monday tasks that I have to do. I had lunch with an old friend. When I came home, I cleaned up the kitchen and living room, went to the grocery store, made supper, and finished my homework for today and finished the review for my final. And all this by 9pm! Now I'm resting, reading, and blogging to chill out.

Its kind of weird to say this, but I think productivity is bliss. :) [Or maybe I am just way too Type A?]

(Bliss Soap photo by Somewhat Frank)

Gracias

I am thankful for:

my daddy - it would take more than an entire post to say why. Words simply cannot express it. He is one of God's greatest gifts to me.

my mama - she goes to great lengths seeking happiness and goodness for me, even when I do not appreciate her.

my sister - I can honestly say, at this point in my life, she is my best friend.

my puppy - she snuggles with me no matter what I'm wearing. she is unconditional puppy love. ha. :)

my community group and church - they even show up to eat with me on the day after Thanksgiving, when I would otherwise have been alone. I couldn't have asked for better friends.

my grandparents are still alive - there is something so joyful in the experience of interacting with those who came before me. I learn so much.

the measure of peace and contentment God has granted to me at this very moment. Knowing what it is to be without it, I am most grateful to be where I am.

a roof over my head, food on my table, a warm bed, and much needed rest.

I am thankful for many other things, which are all competing in my mind to make it into this list. But these are the basics, and the only ones that will make it into the blog at approximately 1:44 am.

Thank you, Jesus, for being you, for who you are - for loving me and giving me renewed life and making me your dwelling place.

(Photo by Cheese Roc)

Operation Clutter Management

I am surrounded by entirely too much stuff. Its everywhere. I can't stand it much longer.

Too many clothes.
Too many papers on my desk.
Too many hats.
Too many shoes.
Too many coffee mugs.
Too many Pampered Chef spatulas.
Too many old wine bottles. (Why do we save these anyway?)
Too many dog toys.
Too many dogs. (We'll keep those.)
Too many pens.
Too many icons on my desktop.
Too many empty CD cases.
Too many loose CDs.
Too many old Pampered Chef catalogs.
Too many books. ( Wait, I take that back. You can't have too many of those.)
Too many Tupperware containers full of leftovers in the fridge.
Too many coats.
Too many cans of soup in the pantry.
Too many things on the mantle.
Too many leaves in the yard. (Can't really help that though.)
Too many necklaces tangled up in my jewelry box.
Too many magazines.
Too many crumbs on the kitchen floor. (And yes, we actually have too many brooms which we apparently don't use often enough)
Too many things I don't use or need.

Its time for a change. I feel a great need to simplify. To quote a Jack Johnson song, "reduce, reuse, and recycle." I'm not sure where to begin, but I think I'm going to start with my closet.

As of today I have a new mission. It may take an indefinite amount of time. It may be difficult. It may be overwhelming. It may be crazy. It may just help me breathe deeper and rest easier when I come home.

This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds. (whew, one less thing lying around.) :)

(Photo Clutter by Rev Dan Catt)

the highlight of my weekend:

They make my feet very happy! :)

See more shoes at www.remixvintageshoes.com

its time for milk and cookies

Today is Friday Eve. It was the first sunny day after a week of desperately needed rain. When I walked outside this morning the rays of sunlight streamed through the trees and warmed the wet ground, singing the prelude to Friday in loud voices. This whole day has been straining to reach its true purpose: ushering in the weekend. I like Friday Eves because I get that itch of anticipation for something good that is coming. Its the feeling you get as a kid on Christmas Eve. The tree is packed with presents just waiting to be opened. The kitchen smells like cinnamon buns, homemade cookies, and coffee. Listening to Daddy read Luke 2 fills you up with joy - a Savior is coming!! Christmas Eve was almost better as a kid than Christmas Day because of the deep joy that comes from waiting expectantly for something good; waiting for something very good.

That's how I feel sometimes on Friday Eves. Tomorrow brings the introduction to evening fellowship, the possibility of new beers on tap at Barley's, good homegrown music, new friends, sleeping in on Saturday, enjoying a day at home, time to read good books, walks in the park, time with the family of God, and ahhhhhh REST. I can't wait for Friday. I love Friday Eve because it says, "Get ready! The weekend is almost here!"

I've been reading Isaiah this month, and it strikes me as a book full of expectancy. Isaiah is always saying in effect, "The Lord is doing something. Look for it!" Sometimes, he speaks of exile and judgement, other times of restoration and redemption. But the voice of Isaiah never fails to call the reader to expect God to move. I want to live with a sense of expectancy on more days than just Friday Eves and Christmas Eve. I want to live each day full of hope, knowing and even expecting God to show up and do something good. He is so full of goodness.

God says in Isaiah, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

I feel like eating milk and cookies before I go to bed, just like on Christmas Eve. (It helps that I'm listening to Over the Rhine's Christmas Album, "Snow Angel.") I can't wait to wake up on Friday morning. The Lord will do good things tomorrow!!

"And I - in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness." Psalm 17:15

(photo by Zesmerelda)

breakfast hope

I had breakfast with Toby, my pastor, this morning. Here is an example of God's incredible grace and goodness. I get to eat eggs and grits with my pastor at 7am on a Wednesday morning, just because I asked. I love having a pastor who is my friend and a spiritual father and mentor at the same time. After I talked about all things I struggle with, namely feeling like the most selfish person on the planet (which in fact is an expression of me being selfish!), and laughing at myself, getting frustrated, and laughing some more Toby said some things, that as always, will stick with me.

He said, "You know, you're not the only one who struggles with this. And you're not doing so bad as you think. I can see the cynicism in your eyes, but trust me, there is hope."

I left thinking about what E. Prentiss says in "Stepping Heavenward": Stop dwelling on the past. If I did not love God yesterday as I should, I can start now. I can begin again today, because as many times as I fail, he still loves me. I am unfaithful, but He loves me! I don't obey him, but he loves me! I am selfish and impatient, but he loves me! I am a sinner, but he loves me!

I think I really need to let this sink in all over again. I need to remind myself of these truths every morning. Starting over today has made a difference in my level of peace and joy. I've not "arrived" yet, but I'm still walking on the road..

Here is a great hymn that is singing in my heart:

Father long before creation,

Thou hast chosen us in love.

And Thy love so deep, so moving,

Draws us close to Christ above.

Still it keeps us, still it keeps us

Firmly fixed in Christ alone!

Though the world may change its fashion,

Yet our God is ever the same.

His compassion and His covenant,

Through all ages will remain.

God's own children, God's own children

Must forever praise His name!

God's compassion is my story,

Is my boasting all the day.

Mercy free and never failing,

Moves my will, directs my way.

God so loved us, God so loved us,

That His only son He gave!

Loving Father now before Thee,

We will ever praise Thy love.

And our songs will sound unceasing

Till we reach our home above.

Giving glory, giving glory,
To our God and to the Lamb!

Giving glory, giving glory to our God and to the Lamb!!!!

spaghetti for breakfast

The morning is here and all is quiet except for the occasional rustle of leaves as the wind passes through the trees and the distant sound of Linford playing on the stereo inside. Its chilly enough for a sweater, but the filtered sun shines onto the porch and warms my face. Yes, this glorious, wonderful, quiet Saturday morning is finally here. I feel like I have been waiting my whole life to have this morning. Both of my roommates have gone out of town, and they've taken their dogs with them. Only Lindy and I are left.

If truth be told, I've been struggling lately. Busy-ness seems to crowd out rest, and the volume of work to be done seems to outweigh time like a sumo wrestler against a mouse. Most of the time I feel incredibly lonely, but I never have the luxury of just being alone. With two roommates (whom I love) and three dogs (whom I love) and what seems like constant dinner parties (not thrown by me) and visitors, I find that I long for solitude and quiet. And the same battle that has raged in my heart my whole life, the battle against selfishness, seems to have flared up amidst all of this. It is a hard thing to deal with the sin of self-love. Its a tricky one because it manifests itself in so many ways. Whether I am high or low, alone or in company, happy or sad, tired or wired, it pops up and takes root again. And it hurts when God takes a trowel to that root and kills it. I wish I knew how to be free of this battle, but I am sure God uses it for good, though I don't always see it. I am identifying most these days with one of my favorite literary characters. Her name is Katy Mortimer Elliott and she is the main character of a wonderful little book called "Stepping Heavenward" by Elizabeth Prentiss. Here is a snippet from Katy's journal that captures my sentiment of late:

"And I can see now, what I wonder I did not see at the time, that God was dealing very kindly and wisely with me when He made Martha overlook my good qualities, of which I suppose I have some, as everybody else has, and call out all my bad ones, since the ax was thus laid at the root of self-love. And it is plain that self-love cannot die without a fearful struggle"

But I am not too discouraged. For God has promised in 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." And not only does he promise to do all that for me, he has doubly blessed me by giving me this quiet, beautiful Saturday morning all to myself where I can sit on my porch and enjoy such simple pleasures as eating leftover spaghetti with a cherry coke zero for breakfast. :) I'm so glad that God is good.

Peace is coming...

homemade soups and backyard swings

I love fall. Its the season of soup making. I read an article recently in Southern Living magazine about having a soup swapping party. The idea is to invite a few friends over and have each one bring a big pot of homemade soup. Then everyone gets to try the different soups, take home recipes, and leftovers from a variety of soups. That way you aren't eating the same soup for two weeks. Since my house is not yet fit to have parties, I decided I would just make soup for myself instead. Yesterday I made a big pot of one of my favorite soups: Two Bean Chicken Chili. Very Tasty. Here is the recipe:

black beans
pinto beans
corn
chicken
salsa
tomato sauce
chicken broth
garlic
chili powder
zucchini

Topped with: sour cream, cheddar cheese, and tortilla chips. YUM. :)

Sunday afternoons are great for cooking things like soup. Because while they are simmering, you have time to do other things. I went outside to one of my new favorite things. We have a backyard tree swing that a friend made for us. We have many old trees in the yard, including more than one Live Oak. This swing is made from a 2x10 board and two pieces of heavy duty rope and it hangs from a very high branch on the biggest oak tree. Its so high that the length of the ropes are really long, which means when you swing you can cover about half of the yard in one go. I felt like Amelie yesterday, just swinging long sweeps across the yard, looking up at the filtered light coming down through the trees, enjoying the simplicity of it all. The dogs sat on the ground nearby and their eyes rhythmically followed me - back and forth, back and forth.

There is so much I take for granted in life - like pots of soup and backyard swings. I want to be a more thankful person - more grateful, and more gracious. Even in the midst of all the things in my life that I am unsatisfied with, I am constantly reminded of this: God is good. He is all goodness.

(photo is of me on the swing at night)

Chasing Water

I was outside this morning planting flowers in my garden while Lindy, my puppy, played in the yard nearby. When I got out the hose to water my newly planted flowers Lindy stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes were fixed on the stream of water coming out of the hose. I stood still and watched her as she slowly crept closer to the end of the water stream. Just when she got right up to it I wiggled the hose and got her nose wet. She jumped back and then ran towards the stream! I moved the hose around and she began to chase the water back and forth around the yard with very ferocious puppy attempts to bite the water. But, to her dismay, and my amusement she only got wet! :)

It made me realize that there are so many simple things in life that are worth giving my time and attention to, that I usually just overlook. And, its the simple things that end up bringing me the most joy in the end. I have a thing or two to learn from Lindy - today I learned that chasing water is great fun! I think I'll go back outside and try it myself!