sometimes...

...life hands me things that make me smile in spite of myself. :-D

face to face with the state of things...

I finished reading "Oliver Twist" by Charles Dickens last week. I have since almost finished another book. But, nevertheless, the closing paragraph of Mr. Dickens' novel has remained in the forefront of my mind. The book itself seems, in hindsight, to have been a grand soap opera of words from the 17th century. All of the necessary elements were there: scandal, crime, sex, murder, calamity and suspense. But underneath, I found the core to be made up of grace, mercy and the unbelievable presence of God's simultaneous goodness and justice towards humanity, though we rarely notice it.

The book I'm currently reading (Rosie, by Ann Lamott) is riddled with tragedy which is, I'm afraid, not uncommon in reality. There have been moments when I've laughed out loud. Others when I've wanted to cry. Still others, where I've been so angry at the turn of events that I've literally thrown the book across the room. (This is, by the way, the mark of an excellent writer, regardless of how disturbing the contents of the book.) I picked it up again tonight after a 24 hour hiatus from it. I am beginning to see glimpses of coming redemption in it. I am hoping for it.

Incidentally enough, I've also found myself reading the book of Job these last couple of months. That coupled with Toby's sermon this morning on Psalm 90 has made me think long and hard about how fleeting life truly is, and how to live in light of that truth while still holding fast to the unmovable hope we have in Christ. (You can listen to Toby's sermon here: www.redeemerchurch.net)

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this, but I know I'd like my life to change. I feel a change coming on. I've been challenged this week by various people and circumstances. I'd like to be like Oliver and Rose at the end of "Oliver Twist" as Dickens describes them. They are not strangers to hardship, yet they remain faithful to God and dependant on His goodness to sustain them. Dickens' closing paragraphs express it well:

"How the two orphans [Oliver and Rose], tried by adversity, remembered its lessons in mercy to others, and mutual love, and fervent thanks to Him who had protected and preserved them -- these are all matters which need not be told. I have said that they were truly happy; and without strong affection and humanity of heart, and gratitude to that Being whose code is Mercy, and whose great attribute is Benevolence to all things that breathe, happiness can never be attained."

(Photo by Gary Knight)

freshly baked tears

Today brought with it the marriage of physical exhaustion and spiritual dryness. I came home from work to a quiet house, a sick puppy, and a mess. Without speaking (which is odd for me, even when I'm alone), I turned on some Over the Rhine and began to unpack from my weekend in Charleston. I cleaned in mental silence, folded laundry and occasionally stopped to pet my sad, sick little puppy's face. At 8 O'clock I went for a walk around the neighborhood with Lindy. I just couldn't stop thinking, even though I tried. When I came home I made some dinner and sat down on the porch to read. I finished a chapter and then decided to see if I could muster up something to blog about.

I felt at a loss for words. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't stop thinking about all the secret fears which welled up to the surface last night after talking with my roommate about life and loving others. I couldn't stop worrying about my sick dog, and whether she is going to be OK. I couldn't stop feeling guilty for dancing like a crazy woman so many nights in a row that I've become physically exhausted to the point that I can scarcely find the energy to pray. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that my roommate, who I've only just begun to know and love so dearly, closed on her house today, marking the beginning of the end of our tenancy together.

And so, in these moments of being trapped between my own thoughts, I decided to read some of my old posts. I chose to read posts under the label "God's Goodness." I read through almost one year's worth of entries speaking the truth of God's goodness to me. Thick, heavy tears came quickly to my eyes and fell down upon my cheeks like stones being thrown into placid water. They seemed to flow from a deep well mixed with joy and sadness at the same time. The ripples are still spreading out, forming large rings in my heart and mind.

Its amazing to me how God will meet me even in my weakness when I am too weak to pray; to weak to do anything with my fear and worry except lay it out honestly and say "I don't know what to do with all of this!!"

I am glad tomorrow is Friday. I get to be with my community group tomorrow night at Barley's. I get to spend my Saturday at home. I get to rest on Sunday - I get to be with my Father and His family.... I long for the fellowship of the Church. I long for the fellowship of Christ. It is good for me to have solitude sometimes. It is good for me to be quiet. It is good for me to remember what is truly important.

(Photo by Caliope)

glimpses of light

I realize that I have neglected this blog for quite some time. So much so, that its beginning to look more like an amateur Japanese poetry corner than anything else. I would not be surprised if my few faithful readers had long ago given up hope that I would ever write anything worth reading on the old blogger again. To be honest though, I haven't been writing much at all lately. I've not been doing lots of things. I've just been sort of making my way through each day, one senseless hour at a time, either feeling too much of everything at once or not feeling much of anything at all. And more often, the latter.

This unwelcome numbness has settled into my life at a strange time. It has not settled on me during a time of hardship, sickness, loneliness, or pain. On the contrary I find that most days I want for nothing, and when I think about my life I am astonished at the immense blessing which has been poured out on me.

This evening while I was sitting outside in my backyard reading Oliver Twist I felt a tiny tug against my determined will to finish chapter 34, calling me to let my mind wander. I felt my mind and my senses being awakened, just for a few moments. My insides were flooded with newness and hope in a few fleeting moments as if I had just opened my eyes for the first time. I decided to make a list of all the things that I could think of that do my soul good; things that start sparks in my heart, allowing me to desire Jesus with freshness. Perhaps I can look back to my list when the smog inevitably settles in again, clouding my vision, threatening to quench that desire in me which so longs to burst into abundant flame.

It Does My Soul Good:

1. to be alone sometimes
2. to breathe deep the thick, sweet perfume of honeysuckle
3. to hold the soft face of my puppy in my hands
4. to swing high on the tree swing without fear
5. to listen to very old Rich Mullins tapes (yes, tapes)
6. to read the words that Jesus prayed for me in John
7. to jump in a pile of freshly laundered sheets
8. to drive to the mountains, just because
9. to write a poem for my mama
10. to listen to my sister
11. to clean things
12. to be reminded that I am human, and that life is not about being happy
13. to feel the power of the wind when it almost knocks me over
14. to be honest
15. to stop talking
16. to stand outside and listen to the rain
17. to make good food for someone else
18. to play with children
19. to stare at the many different colors of green in the trees
20. to close my eyes in the middle of the day
21. to rely upon my daddy, and be ok with it
22. to dance till my sides hurt

(Image by inkswamp)

Goodnight Moon...

Last night my roommate and I bundled ourselves in our warmest coats, scarves and hats. We packed a bottle of wine and the quilt off of the couch. We drove into the mountains, to a place where the trees clear to reveal a wide, smooth rock that looks out over the city and the foothills. It's called Bald Rock. I used to come up to this place often when I was in college. I knew it would be the perfect place to visit the moon. It was pretty much deserted when we arrived. We found a spot where the rock seemed to dip in, like a deep ladle. We spread out our blankets and settled underneath them to wait for the eclipse. I suggested we tell each other stories while we waited. Lindsay didn't get too far with the story she began, so I took over. When the end finally came, she paused for a moment and then said teasingly, "You read too many books, you know." :) I smiled and took it as a great compliment.

The rock had slowly filled with people by the time my story ended. There were groups, small and large gathered across the long cold stone. Some had built small fires and I could see the outline of their faces against the warm orange glow in the distance. Others were standing near the edge of the mountain where all that lighted in the darkness were the ends of a few lone cigarettes. Couples trailed off two by two. And still others sat in half circles laughing and huddling together for warmth. What began as a quiet murmur of voices was now a loud chorus of various conversations.

And then I heard the faint strumming of a guitar. It came from somewhere off to my right. The strumming became louder and the voices seemed to die away. And then a single, clear, beautiful voice sang out into the darkness. No one spoke as the guitar strummed and the girl sang. It was as if her song had temporarily put everyone into a compulsory silence. I blinked as I looked up at the sky and then I was in another time, another place.

I was 19, and I was standing on the balcony of a dormitory at Furman listening to a couple of guys talk about Jesus. We sang out praises to the Lord with the strumming of their guitars and we held nothing back in our songs. Then I was leaning against a tree, deep in the Colorado Rockies, where twenty minutes seemed like a lifetime, and a shooting star assured me that my prayers had been heard. Then it was Easter morning before the sun had risen. I was 21 that year and had no idea what the next steps for my life were. I sat on the great rock with my dear friend Beth waiting for dawn and the promise of new life and resolved to trust and follow even though I could not see exactly where the Lord was taking me. The rock then turned to grass, and it was late on a midsummer's night in a garden in southern Germany. I was laying on my back with Jenna, pointing out constellations, discussing life and marvelling at how we had landed ourselves half way across the world. Then I found myself in a candlelit room with 6 or 7 other precious women whose hands were laid on my head, arms, legs and back as they covered me with their prayers. Then the room disappeared and I was once again standing on this same Bald Rock, not quite one year ago, weeping as I held out my heart before the Lord, broken and bleeding.

I blinked. The end of the girl's song seemed to jolt me back into the present. I looked up at the moon and it was almost completely shadowed in deep bronze. Only a sliver of silver remained. As I took in the great expanse of sky above me I noticed that thousands and thousands of stars had appeared in the absence of the moon's glow. Hot tears stung my cold face and I felt the weight of God's bigness and vastness sweep over me. He met me there in those moments and whispered the evidence of his goodness and the fulfillment of His promises to me just as Jesus explained all of the law and the prophets to the disciples on the road to Emmaus. And like them, my heart burned within me.

It is still winter here, where I live. But I can see and feel the first signs of spring as surely as the daffodil buds push their way through the cold ground in my yard.

Oh, the times they are a'changin'

Well for those of you who've wondered where my blog presence has been for the last several weeks, here is your answer:

new year, new legal class, and new job.

That's right folks, I've begun a new, and difficult class in my studies this month and YES I've started working in a new job. Not just any job though, a real job - a great opportunity - a fountain of blessing. I am now the office manager, paralegal, and legal assistant to Paul Hammack, at the one and only, Hammack Law Firm, P.A.. Needless to say, my evenings are full with my studies, and my days are full with work. And my sleep is full of restlessness as a result of both. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE my new job. I have a fantastic boss. In fact, I'd say, he's as good as they come. :) But, being a paralegal and office manager in a brand new law firm is hard work, especially when you have no former experience. (like me.) I love being busy with real work. Luckily, I only have 3 months or so left of my schooling, so after that I'll have more time to breathe in the evenings. (and hopefully more blogging too.)

In the meantime, I find my peace in simple things, like nice, old fashioned wooden desks. ahhh the beauty of it. It feels so solid, smells so earthy, and looks so distinguished. I now have a big wooden desk in my own space at work. (at the moment.) It makes me feel important, needed, and kind of, well, smart. I haven't felt that way with regards to my job in a while. Moooooovin' on up! Its weird to say, but check it out, "I'm a PARALEGAL now!" :) :)

I'll post more soon when my life evens out a bit. For now, I'm off to KY to visit my best friend for the weekend and a little brain detox after a slightly overwhelming first week.

Year End Review: Flags For The Course

I have been missing from the blog world for the last couple of weeks, but I am very happy to be back. Its been a very busy December, and an interesting year. I think its funny how we tend to have ideas and expectations of what each year will hold, and every year turns out to be different than we expect. At least it is that way for me. I took some hard knocks this year. There was certainly a lot of heartache and broken relationships in it. A lot of painful but much needed "sin-killing" happened this year for me. But I also experienced some wonderful surprises in 2007. This year also brought with it reconciliation, forgiveness, and blessing. It took a few new turns I wasn't expecting. I started down a new career path, moved into a new home, acquired new roommates, and received my dear puppy companion. In 2007 I successfully read through the entire Bible, something I have always wanted to do. I joined a church, made new friends, and entered the blog world. Looking back I see that God has walked with me, led me closer to Him, and taught me a little more of what it means to follow Jesus. I've gained a better understanding of who He is, and in light of that I have gained a more accurate perspective of who I am. I hope to continue in this school of learning in the coming year.

Instead of making resolutions I am likely to fail at keeping, I decided to think of some things I'd like to do in the next year. [Flags for the course, you might say.]

In 2008 I would like to:

1. Worry less and pray more. I've realized that Jesus wasn't kidding when he said, "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I want my treasure and my heart to be in the right place.

2. Be healthier. I'd like to start thinking of positive ways to live a healthier life. Some ideas I have include actually going to the doctor for regular checkups (I haven't done this since before I moved to Europe. yikes!), cooking with fresh ingredients instead of processed ones, eating less "fast food", walking more and sitting less, drinking more water, and getting more sleep. I think keeping my Sabbaths will help me be healthier too.

3. Dance more. I think this will involve learning a new dance, since my swing dancing has pretty much reached a plateau. I'm thinking of learning either tap or hip-hop.

4. I would really like to learn sign-language.

5. I would really like to take a creative writing class at some point in the future. Blogging has opened up a hidden desire to splash around in the creative puddles in my mind. Maybe some of it will end up on paper.

(Flag photo by Jason Schlachet)

Ballet Reflection...

Last December I told God that all I wanted for Christmas was a date. Its funny, because sometimes God answers those silly, petty little prayers for us, even when we don't really believe that He will. I know I probably didn't ask with the right motives. I certainly didn't believe it would be granted. I just sort of threw that desire out into the void one night, not even really knowing why I was asking. I still don't fully understand why He gave me what I asked for last year. Maybe it was for some greater purpose that I have yet to unravel, or perhaps it was to teach me a lesson, or maybe... just maybe, it was because He loves me and wanted to give something good to His daughter.

Last December I got taken out on a date by a man I barely knew. A good man; It was very unexpected to say the least. He took me to see the Greenville Symphony Orchestra's Christmas Concert. It was well thought out. It was intentional. I felt special, valuable, and beautiful. It remains in my memory as the best date I have ever been on in my life up to this point.

I'm not exactly sure why I am writing about this memory. Perhaps it is because I went to see the Nutcracker Ballet with some girlfriends tonight. We got all dressed up. I wore red shoes. I got lost in the music a bit. I found myself entranced by the gracefulness of the movements on stage, especially during the Arabian girl's dance. Slow; delicate; controlled; In a moment my mind began to wander. It wandered back to this same time last year, when I sat next to a gentleman in a darkened theater surrounded by such musical beauty that it gave me chill bumps on the back of my neck. Then I blinked and came out of that wonderful, warm, yet heart wrenching memory. Reality always hits like a brick wall.

Music is powerful. I'm convinced of it. It can transport you, transform you, make you laugh or cry, or even console you. The events of the past year are now history - my history. Looking back helps me to see my present self more clearly in the mirror. But, sometimes I still wish those memories would remain in the past.

Needless to say, I will not be asking God for a date this year.

(Image by Pat McDonald)

Outstretched heart...

There is a strange sensation that comes from giving oneself away. I think our culture lies to us when it tells us that the greatest pleasure and joy comes from seeking self-satisfaction. I have felt jaded and slightly empty of late, and I think it is because I have not been giving my life away. I was pleasantly surprised today when circumstances thrust me into several situations where others had to come first. This is a hard thing to do, but oh the wonder of how it fills up the dry caverns in my soul.

I found myself in a conversation with a friend this afternoon which I cannot mention explicitly but I will say moved me in the deeper places of my heart. My heart broke for her. I felt there were so many things I needed to say to her, and I'm sure I didn't say them all very well. But whatever I did say, I can see that God is at work in them. I prayed much today, and none of it was about me. I felt renewed after tasting again the sweetness of intercession for those who don't know how to pray for themselves. Its been awhile.

When I came home tonight I overheard my roommate on the telephone talking to a colleague about a difficult situation at school. (She teaches kindergarten.) When I asked her if she wanted some tea, she began to cry. My heart broke for her as well. I hugged her. Shortly thereafter, she asked me if I would go to the Asian market with her to help her find what she needed to prepare an elaborate "Korean feast" for her students and their parents on Friday. She seemed overly stressed, and I couldn't refuse such a humble request. My sole mission quickly became finding the strange ingredients needed for a Korean dish we didn't even have a proper recipe for. We went to two different Asian stores on opposite sides of town, called a Korean store, and even called one of my half-Korean friends to ask his mom for help. I quickly forgot about whatever I had planned on doing this Wednesday evening. We finally had everything resolved, ingredients found, and recipes complete. Then I made dinner for us and felt that all was well with the world. I even shared my lasagna with my puppy because she makes me smile inside that she is safe at home. :)

Perhaps this has become somewhat of a ramble tonight, but I think there is something to it. There is something good about putting people and relationships before activities and schedules. There is something life giving in the process of giving your life away to others. I used to live in that world more than I do now. I miss it.

A wise king once said, "Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again." (Ecclesiastes 11:1) This is what is so beautiful about the body of Christ. He made himself everlasting bread for us - and we are casting our bread out to others. Oh, how sweet is the life found in it!

I want a bigger heart to pour out and wider hands to stretch open.

(Heart in Hands photo by Wolfsoul)

Gracias

I am thankful for:

my daddy - it would take more than an entire post to say why. Words simply cannot express it. He is one of God's greatest gifts to me.

my mama - she goes to great lengths seeking happiness and goodness for me, even when I do not appreciate her.

my sister - I can honestly say, at this point in my life, she is my best friend.

my puppy - she snuggles with me no matter what I'm wearing. she is unconditional puppy love. ha. :)

my community group and church - they even show up to eat with me on the day after Thanksgiving, when I would otherwise have been alone. I couldn't have asked for better friends.

my grandparents are still alive - there is something so joyful in the experience of interacting with those who came before me. I learn so much.

the measure of peace and contentment God has granted to me at this very moment. Knowing what it is to be without it, I am most grateful to be where I am.

a roof over my head, food on my table, a warm bed, and much needed rest.

I am thankful for many other things, which are all competing in my mind to make it into this list. But these are the basics, and the only ones that will make it into the blog at approximately 1:44 am.

Thank you, Jesus, for being you, for who you are - for loving me and giving me renewed life and making me your dwelling place.

(Photo by Cheese Roc)

the psalms: a corporate poetry reading

I have been on a bit of a poetry kick lately. I've been reading more poetry, writing more poetry, and mulling over those poems more than usual. Poems help me to think about things with a different set of eyes. They force me to internalize and unpack the ideas on the paper. I like that.

Tonight at Paidea (our church bible study) we looked at the Psalms. I have read the Psalms many times, and have often camped there for extended periods of time. But it was different to look at the book in a different context; the context of genre, setting, and purpose. Toby made a great point about the poetry of the Psalms. You can't read poetry the same way you read your history book so you can't read Psalms the same way you read Exodus. It makes a difference to recognize the genre of the writing. Poetry almost invites the reader to read between the lines. It is intimate. It is compact. It has rhythm and theme. Poetry taps into emotion differently than prose. So it is with the Psalms.

I also found it interesting to consider that the Psalm-poems were (and still are) used as a tool for corporate worship. It wasn't as if the Hebrews sat quietly in a corner of Starbucks with their espresso and their poetry scrolls and pondered the sentiment behind David's laments. No! The Psalms were sung publicly and corporately. Can you imagine the whole assembly singing together the words of the psalmist, "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" And in the next breath saying together, "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." (Psalm 13:2,5-6)

It gives me chill bumps to think about it. I love poetry, and I'm coming to love God's poems more as I read them again with new eyes.

The Psalms are all about God and bringing our "stuff" to Him. He is the theme and motif. Toby said tonight, "If you finish reading a Psalm and you didn't encounter God in it, you need to read it again."

I think the church could use a few more corporate poetry readings. This is God's poetic Word. Lets read it together. Pass the mic.

(Photo by greentheory)

a child in our midst

Tonight we have two visitors. We have a Nana, and a child. Yes, three generations sleeping in one room. That room happens to be next door to mine. My roommate Mary, her mother, and her niece, Jenna, are spending the night. I have already retired to my room, where I now sit with a cup of Green Ginger tea, my laptop, and my sweet puppy. Since our house is small and the walls are thin, I have taken to observing intently with my ears.

Observation numero uno:

Upon arrival, Auntie Mary greeted Jenna with a long, tight, squeeeeeeeze of a hug. Before she let her go she said, "OK Jenna, its time for you to let go." Jenna conceded and as Mary lowered her to the floor she let go of her aunt's neck. But, Mary did not let go. She repeated, "Jenna, let go!" The child began to laugh. Mary held on tighter and shook Jenna from side to side, feigning an attempt to shake her off. The child laughed harder. "Jenna, I think... I think we're stuck! Oh no! I think we're stuck!"

Uncontrollable laughter.

"Nana, help us! We're stuck! We're stuck!" they cried. Nana came to the rescue by grabbing Jenna's legs and on the count of three pulled the child away from her aunt in a wild dramatic victory.

Laughter. Tickles. Kisses.

Observation numero dos:

A few minutes later, Mary began putting linens on an air mattress in her room. Jenna's voice began to rise to unnatural heights (even for a four year old). Crying ensued. Once again, Nana came to the rescue. Nana spoke with the calmest voice as the child displayed her best effort at showing her displeasure. "Jenna, you must stop crying and calm down if you want me to listen to you." The child contemplated this idea, but continued to cry a little. "Jenna, did you hear me? You must calm down and stop crying."

The child slowly quieted.

"Tell me, why are you whining so?" Jenna responded with a loud cry, "BUT I WANT TO SLEEP UP THERE ON THE BIG BED WITH YOU!!!" Though I could not see her, I knew that Nana was drawing from the deep wells of patience I often struggle to tap. She said, still quietly and calmly, "You need to ask your Auntie, without whining, if you may sleep on the big bed with me." The child whined. "Can you ask her without whining?" The child whined on. "Listen to me. I am not whining when I'm speaking to you and asking you to do something. When I ask without whining, I show you that I respect you. When you whine, you show that you do not respect me or Auntie."

The child became quiet once more. A few moments of silence followed. Then, a small, quiet voice asked, "Auntie....can I sleep up there with Nana tonight?"

Tears began to form under my eyelids. What a wondrous, difficult, and noble calling it must be to be a Mother and a Nana. I so long to be called into it myself! I wonder sometimes if I should be so gracious, patient, and kind as the Nana next door. Oh God, make me into such a woman!

My thinker began thinkering. I feel so often like this child. I approach my Father in heaven with whining and crying when I don't get my way. My way is not His way. He does not change. Rather He demands change of me. He is gentle, but firm. He is unmoving in who He is, but loves to answer my requests when I obey Him. When I come to Him in obedience, He embraces me and holds me tight. Even when I let go, He is still stuck to me. I cannot shake Him off. Though I am shaken, He will not be shaken.

I have learned much from the child in our midst tonight. Perhaps this is why Jesus told us we must become like little children if we are to inherit the kingdom of God. Perhaps this is the best way to understand our relationship to the Father.

Tonight there sleeps a happy child in the bed with Nana next door. Oh, that I may sleep with such blissful contentment as well.

(Image by: Ranhar2)

its time for milk and cookies

Today is Friday Eve. It was the first sunny day after a week of desperately needed rain. When I walked outside this morning the rays of sunlight streamed through the trees and warmed the wet ground, singing the prelude to Friday in loud voices. This whole day has been straining to reach its true purpose: ushering in the weekend. I like Friday Eves because I get that itch of anticipation for something good that is coming. Its the feeling you get as a kid on Christmas Eve. The tree is packed with presents just waiting to be opened. The kitchen smells like cinnamon buns, homemade cookies, and coffee. Listening to Daddy read Luke 2 fills you up with joy - a Savior is coming!! Christmas Eve was almost better as a kid than Christmas Day because of the deep joy that comes from waiting expectantly for something good; waiting for something very good.

That's how I feel sometimes on Friday Eves. Tomorrow brings the introduction to evening fellowship, the possibility of new beers on tap at Barley's, good homegrown music, new friends, sleeping in on Saturday, enjoying a day at home, time to read good books, walks in the park, time with the family of God, and ahhhhhh REST. I can't wait for Friday. I love Friday Eve because it says, "Get ready! The weekend is almost here!"

I've been reading Isaiah this month, and it strikes me as a book full of expectancy. Isaiah is always saying in effect, "The Lord is doing something. Look for it!" Sometimes, he speaks of exile and judgement, other times of restoration and redemption. But the voice of Isaiah never fails to call the reader to expect God to move. I want to live with a sense of expectancy on more days than just Friday Eves and Christmas Eve. I want to live each day full of hope, knowing and even expecting God to show up and do something good. He is so full of goodness.

God says in Isaiah, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

I feel like eating milk and cookies before I go to bed, just like on Christmas Eve. (It helps that I'm listening to Over the Rhine's Christmas Album, "Snow Angel.") I can't wait to wake up on Friday morning. The Lord will do good things tomorrow!!

"And I - in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness." Psalm 17:15

(photo by Zesmerelda)

a bottomless well

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
Proverbs 29:25

I sometimes wish this were an easier truth to swallow. I wonder why its so hard for us to believe it. Why do we care so much what other people think? Why do we constantly try to draw our worth from empty wells? I've had conversations about this with several people in the past couple of weeks and it has got me to thinking on it. The fear of man certainly is a snare. It makes us do things we don't want to do. It makes us believe lies about ourselves - about our identity. Worst of all, I think, it feeds self-absorption. Sometimes I will avoid people because I don't want to have to think about what I think they think about me. This is such a hard thing.

I had a long conversation tonight with my roommate about what it means to really let our identity rest in Christ. We went round and round in this conversation until finally she said, "I know I need to fall more in love with Jesus, and I want to but I just keep messing it up. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough." This strategy always goes horribly wrong because every phrase begins with "I."

The reality is that our relationship with Jesus begins and ends with Him. He loves us first. We mess up again and again, but he still loves us. He is unmovable; unchangeable. When we do love Him, it is because He first loved us. We are changed because He transforms us. We are saved by grace through faith and that is not of ourselves - it comes from Him. He is the beginning and the end of all things, even our relationship with Him, even our loving Him. This is why Proverbs says "whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." He's not going anywhere.

Recognizing this great truth again tonight is water to the dry places. Perhaps this has been a bit of a ramble, and perhaps it hasn't made much sense to anyone who's reading this. But it has helped to point me to the bottomless well of living water that is opened up right in front of me and right inside of me.

We can't live in the past. We can't live in perpetual "regret." But we can look to Christ. If we didn't love Him yesterday, we can look to Him today. We can let Him use the past to change us in the present and hold our hand as we walk into the days to come. Our God is so full of unfathomable goodness. I need to remember that more often.

Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water. "

"Sir," the woman said, '"you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?"

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed the water I give him will become in him a spring of water, welling up to eternal life."

John 4:10, 11, 13-14

mountain air, strong coffee, and jennster von loves-a-lot-son

I rose early this morning and drove to the mountains. The morning sun streamed down through a canopy of the brightest green as I wound my way through the countryside leading up to Tryon, NC. At the end of the road I was met with fresh mountain air, a pot of strong coffee brewing, and my dear friend, Jenny Morris, aka Jennster von Loves-a-lot-son. This is a rare treat for me because Jenny lives far away in Memphis. Luckily her folks live in Tryon, only a 45 minute drive away from me. She was home this weekend, so I jumped at the chance to see her.

We poured our coffee and sat on her parents' back porch which has one of the most incredible views I've seen this side of Colorado. We talked about life, God, boys, and old friends among other things. We seem to both be settling into the idea that life isn't about where we used to be or where we want to be but rather where we are right now. I suppose life has many seasons and those season are always changing, but it helps to know what season you are in, so you can embrace it fully. We both agreed that we are in a season of singleness and as much as everyone around us seems to think this is not such a great thing, we're both realizing that it isn't such a terrible season. There's beauty in it, adventure, quietness and hope. I want to live in the present without dwelling on what used to be, or what will maybe one day be. I came across this verse this morning in Isaiah. I found it to be quite fitting:

"Forget the former things; Do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now, it springs up; Do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

We also talked about music, writing, and blogging. Yes, I admit it, I am a total blog-nerd-internet-junkie-woman. But, if you are one of those too, then you should check out this website that Jenny showed me. Its her friend Amy's blog and she has some amazing thoughts to share. Jenny also introduced me to a new band. I like their sound a lot. Check out Newcomers Home.

It was such a sweet time. I miss her already.

How is it that some people always make you feel at home? I've felt more at home in the presence of dear friends like Jenny than I have sometimes felt in my own house.
God is so good for giving me such a wonderful happy Saturday gift. :)

I want to be more grateful than I am.

breakfast hope

I had breakfast with Toby, my pastor, this morning. Here is an example of God's incredible grace and goodness. I get to eat eggs and grits with my pastor at 7am on a Wednesday morning, just because I asked. I love having a pastor who is my friend and a spiritual father and mentor at the same time. After I talked about all things I struggle with, namely feeling like the most selfish person on the planet (which in fact is an expression of me being selfish!), and laughing at myself, getting frustrated, and laughing some more Toby said some things, that as always, will stick with me.

He said, "You know, you're not the only one who struggles with this. And you're not doing so bad as you think. I can see the cynicism in your eyes, but trust me, there is hope."

I left thinking about what E. Prentiss says in "Stepping Heavenward": Stop dwelling on the past. If I did not love God yesterday as I should, I can start now. I can begin again today, because as many times as I fail, he still loves me. I am unfaithful, but He loves me! I don't obey him, but he loves me! I am selfish and impatient, but he loves me! I am a sinner, but he loves me!

I think I really need to let this sink in all over again. I need to remind myself of these truths every morning. Starting over today has made a difference in my level of peace and joy. I've not "arrived" yet, but I'm still walking on the road..

Here is a great hymn that is singing in my heart:

Father long before creation,

Thou hast chosen us in love.

And Thy love so deep, so moving,

Draws us close to Christ above.

Still it keeps us, still it keeps us

Firmly fixed in Christ alone!

Though the world may change its fashion,

Yet our God is ever the same.

His compassion and His covenant,

Through all ages will remain.

God's own children, God's own children

Must forever praise His name!

God's compassion is my story,

Is my boasting all the day.

Mercy free and never failing,

Moves my will, directs my way.

God so loved us, God so loved us,

That His only son He gave!

Loving Father now before Thee,

We will ever praise Thy love.

And our songs will sound unceasing

Till we reach our home above.

Giving glory, giving glory,
To our God and to the Lamb!

Giving glory, giving glory to our God and to the Lamb!!!!