freshly baked tears

Today brought with it the marriage of physical exhaustion and spiritual dryness. I came home from work to a quiet house, a sick puppy, and a mess. Without speaking (which is odd for me, even when I'm alone), I turned on some Over the Rhine and began to unpack from my weekend in Charleston. I cleaned in mental silence, folded laundry and occasionally stopped to pet my sad, sick little puppy's face. At 8 O'clock I went for a walk around the neighborhood with Lindy. I just couldn't stop thinking, even though I tried. When I came home I made some dinner and sat down on the porch to read. I finished a chapter and then decided to see if I could muster up something to blog about.

I felt at a loss for words. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't stop thinking about all the secret fears which welled up to the surface last night after talking with my roommate about life and loving others. I couldn't stop worrying about my sick dog, and whether she is going to be OK. I couldn't stop feeling guilty for dancing like a crazy woman so many nights in a row that I've become physically exhausted to the point that I can scarcely find the energy to pray. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that my roommate, who I've only just begun to know and love so dearly, closed on her house today, marking the beginning of the end of our tenancy together.

And so, in these moments of being trapped between my own thoughts, I decided to read some of my old posts. I chose to read posts under the label "God's Goodness." I read through almost one year's worth of entries speaking the truth of God's goodness to me. Thick, heavy tears came quickly to my eyes and fell down upon my cheeks like stones being thrown into placid water. They seemed to flow from a deep well mixed with joy and sadness at the same time. The ripples are still spreading out, forming large rings in my heart and mind.

Its amazing to me how God will meet me even in my weakness when I am too weak to pray; to weak to do anything with my fear and worry except lay it out honestly and say "I don't know what to do with all of this!!"

I am glad tomorrow is Friday. I get to be with my community group tomorrow night at Barley's. I get to spend my Saturday at home. I get to rest on Sunday - I get to be with my Father and His family.... I long for the fellowship of the Church. I long for the fellowship of Christ. It is good for me to have solitude sometimes. It is good for me to be quiet. It is good for me to remember what is truly important.

(Photo by Caliope)

Showers and Weddings and Brides, Oh My!

I just realized this morning that it has been an entire week since I posted an entry, and I was thoroughly ashamed of myself. "I can't post TWO Tuesday haikus in a row!" I thought. That would just be getting off easy. But the reality is that this past week has been, as Jennster would put it, "insane in the membrane." I feel as though I'm just now beginning to come back to earth as I've been wandering around in "wedding land" for a week and God has been seriously working on my heart through it all.

For those of you who aren't up to speed, I'll fill you in. My roommate just got married on Friday night. I was not in the wedding party, but living with the bride still puts one in the realm of bridedom to a certain degree. I'll be honest and say that it hasn't been easy for me this week, that God has been breaking through giant walls in my life and that it hurts. But at the same time, I can already feel the healing that inevitably comes after God tears down idols and walls in my life. I will not expound too much more about the details of that here. Its one of those things I prefer to reserve for the face-to-face (or telephone) conversations that so often get pushed aside by our easy Internet friendships. Its my contribution to the "get-people-back-in-your-face-and-be-real-with-them" movement. :)

Needless to say, I am very glad it is a new week, and that there are new adventures to be had, new people to know and new beauty to behold awaiting me in the coming days.

This post is admittedly short, but it is almost time for me to leave for work, and I'm not ready yet. And not to worry, the Tuesday haiku will be posted later today, as usual. :)

(Photo by Bondidwhat)

Goodnight Moon...

Last night my roommate and I bundled ourselves in our warmest coats, scarves and hats. We packed a bottle of wine and the quilt off of the couch. We drove into the mountains, to a place where the trees clear to reveal a wide, smooth rock that looks out over the city and the foothills. It's called Bald Rock. I used to come up to this place often when I was in college. I knew it would be the perfect place to visit the moon. It was pretty much deserted when we arrived. We found a spot where the rock seemed to dip in, like a deep ladle. We spread out our blankets and settled underneath them to wait for the eclipse. I suggested we tell each other stories while we waited. Lindsay didn't get too far with the story she began, so I took over. When the end finally came, she paused for a moment and then said teasingly, "You read too many books, you know." :) I smiled and took it as a great compliment.

The rock had slowly filled with people by the time my story ended. There were groups, small and large gathered across the long cold stone. Some had built small fires and I could see the outline of their faces against the warm orange glow in the distance. Others were standing near the edge of the mountain where all that lighted in the darkness were the ends of a few lone cigarettes. Couples trailed off two by two. And still others sat in half circles laughing and huddling together for warmth. What began as a quiet murmur of voices was now a loud chorus of various conversations.

And then I heard the faint strumming of a guitar. It came from somewhere off to my right. The strumming became louder and the voices seemed to die away. And then a single, clear, beautiful voice sang out into the darkness. No one spoke as the guitar strummed and the girl sang. It was as if her song had temporarily put everyone into a compulsory silence. I blinked as I looked up at the sky and then I was in another time, another place.

I was 19, and I was standing on the balcony of a dormitory at Furman listening to a couple of guys talk about Jesus. We sang out praises to the Lord with the strumming of their guitars and we held nothing back in our songs. Then I was leaning against a tree, deep in the Colorado Rockies, where twenty minutes seemed like a lifetime, and a shooting star assured me that my prayers had been heard. Then it was Easter morning before the sun had risen. I was 21 that year and had no idea what the next steps for my life were. I sat on the great rock with my dear friend Beth waiting for dawn and the promise of new life and resolved to trust and follow even though I could not see exactly where the Lord was taking me. The rock then turned to grass, and it was late on a midsummer's night in a garden in southern Germany. I was laying on my back with Jenna, pointing out constellations, discussing life and marvelling at how we had landed ourselves half way across the world. Then I found myself in a candlelit room with 6 or 7 other precious women whose hands were laid on my head, arms, legs and back as they covered me with their prayers. Then the room disappeared and I was once again standing on this same Bald Rock, not quite one year ago, weeping as I held out my heart before the Lord, broken and bleeding.

I blinked. The end of the girl's song seemed to jolt me back into the present. I looked up at the moon and it was almost completely shadowed in deep bronze. Only a sliver of silver remained. As I took in the great expanse of sky above me I noticed that thousands and thousands of stars had appeared in the absence of the moon's glow. Hot tears stung my cold face and I felt the weight of God's bigness and vastness sweep over me. He met me there in those moments and whispered the evidence of his goodness and the fulfillment of His promises to me just as Jesus explained all of the law and the prophets to the disciples on the road to Emmaus. And like them, my heart burned within me.

It is still winter here, where I live. But I can see and feel the first signs of spring as surely as the daffodil buds push their way through the cold ground in my yard.

a bottomless well

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
Proverbs 29:25

I sometimes wish this were an easier truth to swallow. I wonder why its so hard for us to believe it. Why do we care so much what other people think? Why do we constantly try to draw our worth from empty wells? I've had conversations about this with several people in the past couple of weeks and it has got me to thinking on it. The fear of man certainly is a snare. It makes us do things we don't want to do. It makes us believe lies about ourselves - about our identity. Worst of all, I think, it feeds self-absorption. Sometimes I will avoid people because I don't want to have to think about what I think they think about me. This is such a hard thing.

I had a long conversation tonight with my roommate about what it means to really let our identity rest in Christ. We went round and round in this conversation until finally she said, "I know I need to fall more in love with Jesus, and I want to but I just keep messing it up. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough." This strategy always goes horribly wrong because every phrase begins with "I."

The reality is that our relationship with Jesus begins and ends with Him. He loves us first. We mess up again and again, but he still loves us. He is unmovable; unchangeable. When we do love Him, it is because He first loved us. We are changed because He transforms us. We are saved by grace through faith and that is not of ourselves - it comes from Him. He is the beginning and the end of all things, even our relationship with Him, even our loving Him. This is why Proverbs says "whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." He's not going anywhere.

Recognizing this great truth again tonight is water to the dry places. Perhaps this has been a bit of a ramble, and perhaps it hasn't made much sense to anyone who's reading this. But it has helped to point me to the bottomless well of living water that is opened up right in front of me and right inside of me.

We can't live in the past. We can't live in perpetual "regret." But we can look to Christ. If we didn't love Him yesterday, we can look to Him today. We can let Him use the past to change us in the present and hold our hand as we walk into the days to come. Our God is so full of unfathomable goodness. I need to remember that more often.

Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water. "

"Sir," the woman said, '"you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?"

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed the water I give him will become in him a spring of water, welling up to eternal life."

John 4:10, 11, 13-14

monday morning musings...

It's raining outside. Sometimes I love the rain. Sometimes I hate it. Today I am in between. Rain usually makes me think a lot. Rain also usually gives me a headache - my sinuses don't like it. But my headache is waning and I have started settling into my rainy day thoughts.

It's also Monday morning. Sometimes I like Mondays. Sometimes I hate them. Today I am in between. I didn't want to wake up this morning. My puppy was so cute this morning when I rolled over to get up. She literally scooched all the way from the foot of my bed and sat her butt right down on my chest so her face was on my face. I guess she doesn't like waking up on Monday's either. :) But awake I am, and its the beginning of a new week. I like new beginnings. They make me hopeful.

My roommate Lindsay and I really bonded last night. We made an appetizer together for Mary and Tim's engagement party. She was a great date. (except I think she spiked my drink.) :) I think she is going to stay after Mary moves out, at least for a little while. This was a relief and eased my mind. I was stressing a little too much about it I think. We decided to go together to the Halloween Dance Party, so we are trying to come up with a great "dynamic duo" costume. If Nelly would show me how to do those cool blog-polls I could let the readers vote. (hint to Nelly - when do my blog-pimping lessons start?) :)

It is almost time for lunch. I feel like soup and a book today for lunch. I haven't had a chance to read in a few days with all that's been going on. I bought a new book this weekend. Another collection of Rilke's poems but this one has both the German and the English side by side. I get a lot more out of it this way rather than reading just the German or just the English. I think I will sit on my porch with my soup and my book and listen to Rosie Thomas. I need more time with my thoughts today. My mind is wandering into so many different rooms right now. This post is turning out to be similar to Nelly's "streams" I think.

For those of you who were anticipating the blog about Round Two of Over the Rhine on Friday night, I am sorry I have yet to post it. I was just too tired this weekend. So, although this won't do it any justice, I will post a mini-blog within a blog about Round Two. Here it is:

OTR ROUND TWO: DING DING!

Linford is a musical wizard. I would write a discourse on this guy if I had the time, energy, or space to do it. It doesn't matter what he's playing; piano, organ, guitar, bass, or all of the above. Its like magic in my ears when he sits at the piano though. He is a champion improviser. After hearing him twice in one week, I can say that its seems like he doesn't ever play the same song the same way. It was absolutely brilliant.

I met Rosie Thomas, and she is so nice. I bought another one of her CD's. I saw her standing at the bar before the show, so I went over to introduce myself. We talked for about 15-20 minutes or so and I just really like her. She's very down to earth and really quite humble and sweet.

I sat in the second row this time and I had 8 of my friends come along. It was great to introduce so many new people to such a fantastic band. That makes me happy. Karin was gorgeous as usual, but particularly enchanting on Friday. The show definitely had a "Friday night feel" to it in comparison with Wednesday night. She was a little more sultry, sang a couple of sexy Christmas songs from Snow Angel and she just had a little more sass. In the end, all I can really say is: what a voice!

(photo of my rainy back yard, from my phone)

An apple a day...

After a brief hiatus from the blog world I am back, thankfully, due to Nelly's gracious prodding.

So much has been happening in my life since I last posted, I feel as though I have a wealth of material to write about, simply to update the blog readers (which, I think is only Nelly!) on my comings and goings. Perhaps I will have to blog more than once in a day! Ah, but this is very doubtful. So, I will give an overview of the latest news in bullets form:

• I moved to a new old house in July/August. My parents bought a house and I get the great pleasure of renting from them. The goal, I believe, is to buy the house myself, someday. In the meantime, we are fixing it up. It is a great house with a fabulous yard, but it is requiring a lot of work. Needless to say, it hasn't yet become the restful homestead I'm hoping for. I'm still hopeful, but exhausted.


• I have two new roommates. Their names are Mary and Lindsay. They have two dogs. So altogether we are 3 people and 3 dogs. The dogs are: Lindy (mel's border collie), Maya (mary's siberian huskey), and Jo (lindsay's black lab). All I need is three rings in the backyard and I'd be living at the circus.



(In this photo: roomie Lindsay and Mel with new haircut)

• I got a fun haircut.


• I've started a new eating regimen and have been losing weight. This makes me feel great. Its amazing what eating healthier will do for you, both inside and out. Pink Lady apples are probably my favorite food these days. I eat one almost every day. An apple a day keeps the doctor away! I've coined a new proverb about apples: An apple a day instead of cookies and chips makes your clothes fit better.



(photo by Barb Iverson)


• I'm reading lots of new books. (I will blog about these in another post.)


• I'm still single, and its OK.
  

So there you have it. The latest news. Life has been busy, but God is still good. That's one thing I know I can count on.