the quiet things are good for you...

I'm learning lately that I need more quiet things in my life. I'm beginning to realize that it is healthy to spend a more significant amount of time winding down. Someone recently commented how surprising it is that I should enjoy spending an evening alone with a book and glass of wine. In the midst of so little sleep this summer, I think I appreciate the rare hours of peace much more than I ever have.

But, I haven't only found moments of peace in being by myself. I've found it in genuine friendships, long conversations, and community dinners. There is something so wonderful about being able to rest in another person's presence; whether sitting on the porch early in the morning with my roommate, sharing piping hot cups of tea and long conversations at night with a friend or taking a walk through town without feeling like I have to talk. I find solace in things like a simple, heartfelt hug and listening. Listening is something I'm learning to do better. These days, I'm finding new life in listening to other people.

Last night I slept without any external help. Granted, it took me several hours to fall asleep, but I slept nonetheless. I napped today on my own as well, which was incredibly rejuvenating. Tonight I turned on Over the Rhine's Drunkard's Prayer on the porch and took a few minutes to soar high on my tree swing as the sun was setting. I like feeling the thick wind brush against my face. I like rocking in my teak rocking chair under a blue gray sky, the dark fuzzy shadow of of the dogwoods forming a great canopy of peace and quiet around me. The soft, steady chorus of crickets is soothing, with the occasional cicada singing out a bright solo.

I'm hoping to sleep again on my own tonight, perhaps a few hours longer.

Its good to finally be able to say that I feel at home somewhere. I've not felt truly at home in a very long time. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there.

Photo by ilkin.

it's raining, it's pouring...

After coordinating a few rides, I dropped my car off at Precision Tune this morning around 8 a.m. Last night my engine over heated, so I was a little concerned about the little Honda. I thought I'd just take her in for a check up and maybe some more fluids. Perhaps she was just dehydrated.

I got the call around 9:45 a.m.

Radiator's busted, bursted, kaputt. Happy Monday.

Well, that pretty much bummed me out the rest of the day. At lunchtime the sky darkened as Fay, the tropical storm of the month, descended on us giving the ground quite a drink. The grass and trees seemed to be letting out great sighs of relief as they opened wide their mouths to receive the rain. I took my turkey and cheese sandwich into the conference room, which has a large picture window and a screened door that opens to the back yard of the office. I turned the lights off and propped open the door and just listened to the rain and occasional thunder for awhile in silence. I felt an incredible urge to run outside and let the heavy rain pound down on my head and drench me completely through. I thought about taking an umbrella out with me, holding it upside down until it filled with water and then turning it over to pour the cool water over my hair and face. It would have felt nice to have the rain wash out my insides.

I didn't do it. Eventually the storm moved on, and so did I.

Sometimes I think the rain in my life can be healthy. Its healthy to cry sometimes. Its sobering to realize I am not in absolute control of my life. But, lately I am really ready for some sunshine.

(Photo by Oviso0n)

freshly baked tears

Today brought with it the marriage of physical exhaustion and spiritual dryness. I came home from work to a quiet house, a sick puppy, and a mess. Without speaking (which is odd for me, even when I'm alone), I turned on some Over the Rhine and began to unpack from my weekend in Charleston. I cleaned in mental silence, folded laundry and occasionally stopped to pet my sad, sick little puppy's face. At 8 O'clock I went for a walk around the neighborhood with Lindy. I just couldn't stop thinking, even though I tried. When I came home I made some dinner and sat down on the porch to read. I finished a chapter and then decided to see if I could muster up something to blog about.

I felt at a loss for words. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't stop thinking about all the secret fears which welled up to the surface last night after talking with my roommate about life and loving others. I couldn't stop worrying about my sick dog, and whether she is going to be OK. I couldn't stop feeling guilty for dancing like a crazy woman so many nights in a row that I've become physically exhausted to the point that I can scarcely find the energy to pray. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that my roommate, who I've only just begun to know and love so dearly, closed on her house today, marking the beginning of the end of our tenancy together.

And so, in these moments of being trapped between my own thoughts, I decided to read some of my old posts. I chose to read posts under the label "God's Goodness." I read through almost one year's worth of entries speaking the truth of God's goodness to me. Thick, heavy tears came quickly to my eyes and fell down upon my cheeks like stones being thrown into placid water. They seemed to flow from a deep well mixed with joy and sadness at the same time. The ripples are still spreading out, forming large rings in my heart and mind.

Its amazing to me how God will meet me even in my weakness when I am too weak to pray; to weak to do anything with my fear and worry except lay it out honestly and say "I don't know what to do with all of this!!"

I am glad tomorrow is Friday. I get to be with my community group tomorrow night at Barley's. I get to spend my Saturday at home. I get to rest on Sunday - I get to be with my Father and His family.... I long for the fellowship of the Church. I long for the fellowship of Christ. It is good for me to have solitude sometimes. It is good for me to be quiet. It is good for me to remember what is truly important.

(Photo by Caliope)

Haiku Tuesday: Angry

Showers and Weddings and Brides, Oh My!

I just realized this morning that it has been an entire week since I posted an entry, and I was thoroughly ashamed of myself. "I can't post TWO Tuesday haikus in a row!" I thought. That would just be getting off easy. But the reality is that this past week has been, as Jennster would put it, "insane in the membrane." I feel as though I'm just now beginning to come back to earth as I've been wandering around in "wedding land" for a week and God has been seriously working on my heart through it all.

For those of you who aren't up to speed, I'll fill you in. My roommate just got married on Friday night. I was not in the wedding party, but living with the bride still puts one in the realm of bridedom to a certain degree. I'll be honest and say that it hasn't been easy for me this week, that God has been breaking through giant walls in my life and that it hurts. But at the same time, I can already feel the healing that inevitably comes after God tears down idols and walls in my life. I will not expound too much more about the details of that here. Its one of those things I prefer to reserve for the face-to-face (or telephone) conversations that so often get pushed aside by our easy Internet friendships. Its my contribution to the "get-people-back-in-your-face-and-be-real-with-them" movement. :)

Needless to say, I am very glad it is a new week, and that there are new adventures to be had, new people to know and new beauty to behold awaiting me in the coming days.

This post is admittedly short, but it is almost time for me to leave for work, and I'm not ready yet. And not to worry, the Tuesday haiku will be posted later today, as usual. :)

(Photo by Bondidwhat)

Highway to the Danger Zone: Six Speeds

I went to lunch today with my co-worker Betty. Betty is a petite woman in her mid-fifties with a sweet, girlish voice and a delightful laugh. You wouldn't know it on first meeting her that she and her husband ride motorcycles or that she has a serious affection for sports cars. She told me today of all the different cars she's had in her life, almost all of them having been sports cars of one kind or another. Betty just recently got a silver 350Z. When we walked out to the parking lot today to go to lunch, she handed me the keys and asked if I wanted to drive. My eyes lit up like I was a kid again on Christmas morning beholding that beautiful green bicycle, complete with training wheels and new found freedom.

It was quite windy outside and raining, but inside the Z, I was in another world. The black leather seats warmed underneath me with the growl of the engine as I sped up and changed gears. (Side note: I have a secret love of cars with manual transmission - driving is so much more fun with the power to change gears at my fingertips.) Betty turned on the CD player to reveal the soundtrack of Top Gun. I grinned and turned it up loud. Now, I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot cruising along, singing aloud, bopping my head to the beat and grinning so widely that my cheeks hurt. But in my mind I had just been transported to the cockpit of a fighter jet, speeding along through the clouds, racing against the wind and soaking in the rain that pounded steadily against the windshield. Betty just kept giggling at me.

The thrill of driving that fast sports car on a dark afternoon in the rain with the sound of "Top Gun" in my ears lasted for several hours. I have a hard time not grinning even now as I remember it. But this evening, I've been thinking on the words of that song "Danger Zone" that keeps running through my head. I can't help but think of the dangerous roads I've wandered down in recent years, months, weeks, even hours. For example, last night I caught my mind wandering into memories of my past foolishness. This weekend I let myself swim in the depths of my frustration and dissatisfaction. And this evening, as I watched the film "Into the Wild" with my roommate, I found myself longing to leave everything behind and journey out into the world without looking back.

These are all dangerous highways. There were thrilling moments, to be sure, in the beginning. But the thrill usually wears off too quickly. I suppose life is a dangerous highway regardless of where you live or what you do. We're going to make terribly foolish mistakes no matter what. I am reminded of C.S. Lewis' Aslan, fiercely dangerous, yet full of goodness and rightness. I'm comforted to know that Jesus is like that, walking by my side even when I wander down lanes I shouldn't, picking me up when I fall, helping me learn from my mistakes and showing me where the real thrill of life is found: in following Him, on all six speeds.

Of course He isn't safe. Of course He isn't tame for goodness sake. God never promised me that I wouldn't have to live through scary things or that my own sin wouldn't be a danger to me. But he is good. This I know to be true. And I'm not the one behind the wheel, which is also a good thing. So I can be glad to be on this highway, even if it is dangerous at times.

(Photo by: Bill on Capital Hill)

a long dry winter...

Do you ever feel as though winter will never end? I don't just mean with the weather. I mean, the winter of life - winter of the soul. For a couple of months now I have felt strangely like I'm walking through a spiritual tundra. Its cold and dry in my spirit, which I think is almost worse than cold and wet. I cannot say it is for lack of blessing. That is part of what is so strange to me. I am walking through a season of immense blessing at the moment. So, I'm not sure I understand it. I could blame it on being too busy or being overwhelmed with school, work, and life. I could blame it on my living situation or a lack of sleep or even the cold weather. But I don't really think there is an appropriate "blame." I think it is just a season, cold and dry as it may be. I'm sure there is something to learn in it.

I suppose it is possible to walk through drought and blessing at the same time. Either way, I am praying for spring to come soon, in more than just the weather.

(winter sky photo by vnysia)

midnight meltdown

So I went to this fantastic wine tasting party last night with a bunch of girls. I ended up actually leading the wine tasting, after Nina spontaneously nominated me for the job. My disclaimer was that I only know anything because I read it in a book somewhere. :) We tasted twelve delicious wines and ate some yummy cheeses and other wine-loving goodies. Needless to say, I was glad that I didn't drive.

Nina and I got back to my house around midnight. I am so thankful she came inside with me because little did I know that I was about to have a major midnight meltdown. I found a note on the kitchen counter telling me that my dog, Lindy, had run away and that she was nowhere to be found. I cannot describe the despair that overtook me in that moment. Some may think it silly, but if you have ever loved an animal the way I love this puppy, you'd understand. All of the worst case scenarios kept running through my head. We live near 3 main roads so I was sure she would get hit by a car in the dark. It doesn't help that she's black. I was fairly certain she was smart enough to find her way home, but I wasn't thinking straight. I was panicked. I couldn't drive to go look for her. I had no way of knowing where to look. I probably would have started walking around the neighborhood in the freezing cold if Nina hadn't forced me to go to bed. I think I cried for about an hour. I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up this morning around 5am to the pitter-patter of puppy feet in my room. SHE CAME HOME!!! HALLELUJAH!!! My roommate must have let her in. I jumped out of bed and sat on the floor with my puppy in my arms and cried again. Then I went back to sleep for a few hours. I am so grateful for good friends like Nina. I am so grateful my Lindy came home, safe and sound.

I feel emotionally drained and mildly hung-over from the events of last night. I need a good nap.

(Photo by Daniel Greene)

Channel Surfing vs. Entering In

It is a hard thing to love other people. There's no fancy way to say that. Love involves giving of oneself. Love involves entering into the story of another. That isn't something that is necessarily fun or easy to do. I think we so often define love in terms of what we "feel." But that isn't how God defines love at all. The Bible says that God is love. So, if I want to know what it is to love perfectly and completely I have to look to Him. Do I dare to do that? In light of this, when I think about perfect love - complete love - words like faithfulness to the faithless, deliverance, provision, and sacrifice all come to mind. I heard two excellent analogies recently from Toby, my pastor, in comparing incomplete love and complete love.

Incomplete love is like channel surfing. We flip through the channels until we find something we "feel like" watching. If the people in this analogy are anything like me, they get bored very quickly and don't stay on any one channel for more than five minutes. Complete love is like getting off the couch and entering into the story rather than just observing from our comfort zone. It's daring to embrace something outside of ourselves. This is what Christ did when He left the comfort of heaven to enter into our story. He isn't a distant observer. He doesn't keep us at arms length. He enters in.

The other analogy is from the Phantom of the Opera. In the end, Christine is given a choice. If she chooses to stay with the Phantom (and ultimately lose herself to him - ultimately this is death) her true love may go free and live. If she refuses, they both will die. Christine chooses to kiss death so that the one she loves may have life. Don't we all long for that kind of love? The kind that's unbreakable? The kind we can trust? This love is Christ. This love is self-sacrifice. This may be an inadequate analogy, but helps me to get my mind around it.

So how does this apply to me? I confess that for the past few months I have been struggling to love certain people in my life. I fail to love them because I fail to enter into their lives. I focus too much on my dislike of them, or the ways that they have hurt me, or my own need for their approval. So I keep them at arms length. I put up a wall. But this is not the way it was meant to be. It's not the way I want it to be. My inner battle has shed some light on my love for God as well. I am finding it difficult to love God when I am struggling to love other people. So I've been asking the question that I posed in my last post, "What does it mean to love completely?" I haven't come up with a finite answer. But I have realized that I cannot love completely on my own. Like most things, this too requires grace from the Father. Knowing this, the question I must ask myself now becomes "Do I dare?"

John makes me hopeful when he exclaims, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! And we know that when he appears we shall be like him, for we shall see him s he is." (1 John 3:1a, 2b)

I dare.

(Channel surfing photo by Jeroen020)

Balboa, only deadlier...

This weekend marked the third year I've attended the Eastern Balboa Championships in Raleigh, NC. In the four years I've been swing dancing this has remained my favorite event. The best balboa dancers in the world gather on the east coast for an incredible weekend of dancing, instruction, and competition. Its a rare opportunity to see such incredible dancers, learn from them, and hopefully, if I'm lucky, grab a couple of great dances with them. I think of all the different swing dances I've learned over the years, Balboa is my favorite. I may not be the best at it, but I have a great time trying! It is a real treat for me to come to this event.

This year turned out to be a bit different than previous years, both in good and disappointing ways. In the past I have always come alone. This year I came with several friends, which changed the dynamic and made for a really fun time on and off the dance floor. I have really enjoyed hanging out with such fun people. However, I've been feeling a bit burnt out from dancing lately. I was hoping this weekend would give me my second wind and re-light the spark I had before. What I've realized though, is that it is time for me to take an extended break from dancing. I hate to admit it, but I don't love it as much as I used to. I've reached a plateau in my skill level and I'm not really getting any better. I don't want to give it up forever, but maybe it will be good for me to break from dancing for a bit.

My friends Steve and Deb were here this weekend with their new baby and I got the great pleasure of holding her for awhile. When she got fussy, it came natural for me to start dancing with her in my arms. The movement quickly quieted her and it made me smile inside. I hope one day I can dance with my own babies in my arms. The beautiful reality is that I will never stop loving the music, and therefore I will never be able to stop moving to it. I can't help it. Its in my system. And besides, I got new red dance shoes this weekend, so they'll keep me motivated to dance on good floors periodically for awhile. :)

a child in our midst

Tonight we have two visitors. We have a Nana, and a child. Yes, three generations sleeping in one room. That room happens to be next door to mine. My roommate Mary, her mother, and her niece, Jenna, are spending the night. I have already retired to my room, where I now sit with a cup of Green Ginger tea, my laptop, and my sweet puppy. Since our house is small and the walls are thin, I have taken to observing intently with my ears.

Observation numero uno:

Upon arrival, Auntie Mary greeted Jenna with a long, tight, squeeeeeeeze of a hug. Before she let her go she said, "OK Jenna, its time for you to let go." Jenna conceded and as Mary lowered her to the floor she let go of her aunt's neck. But, Mary did not let go. She repeated, "Jenna, let go!" The child began to laugh. Mary held on tighter and shook Jenna from side to side, feigning an attempt to shake her off. The child laughed harder. "Jenna, I think... I think we're stuck! Oh no! I think we're stuck!"

Uncontrollable laughter.

"Nana, help us! We're stuck! We're stuck!" they cried. Nana came to the rescue by grabbing Jenna's legs and on the count of three pulled the child away from her aunt in a wild dramatic victory.

Laughter. Tickles. Kisses.

Observation numero dos:

A few minutes later, Mary began putting linens on an air mattress in her room. Jenna's voice began to rise to unnatural heights (even for a four year old). Crying ensued. Once again, Nana came to the rescue. Nana spoke with the calmest voice as the child displayed her best effort at showing her displeasure. "Jenna, you must stop crying and calm down if you want me to listen to you." The child contemplated this idea, but continued to cry a little. "Jenna, did you hear me? You must calm down and stop crying."

The child slowly quieted.

"Tell me, why are you whining so?" Jenna responded with a loud cry, "BUT I WANT TO SLEEP UP THERE ON THE BIG BED WITH YOU!!!" Though I could not see her, I knew that Nana was drawing from the deep wells of patience I often struggle to tap. She said, still quietly and calmly, "You need to ask your Auntie, without whining, if you may sleep on the big bed with me." The child whined. "Can you ask her without whining?" The child whined on. "Listen to me. I am not whining when I'm speaking to you and asking you to do something. When I ask without whining, I show you that I respect you. When you whine, you show that you do not respect me or Auntie."

The child became quiet once more. A few moments of silence followed. Then, a small, quiet voice asked, "Auntie....can I sleep up there with Nana tonight?"

Tears began to form under my eyelids. What a wondrous, difficult, and noble calling it must be to be a Mother and a Nana. I so long to be called into it myself! I wonder sometimes if I should be so gracious, patient, and kind as the Nana next door. Oh God, make me into such a woman!

My thinker began thinkering. I feel so often like this child. I approach my Father in heaven with whining and crying when I don't get my way. My way is not His way. He does not change. Rather He demands change of me. He is gentle, but firm. He is unmoving in who He is, but loves to answer my requests when I obey Him. When I come to Him in obedience, He embraces me and holds me tight. Even when I let go, He is still stuck to me. I cannot shake Him off. Though I am shaken, He will not be shaken.

I have learned much from the child in our midst tonight. Perhaps this is why Jesus told us we must become like little children if we are to inherit the kingdom of God. Perhaps this is the best way to understand our relationship to the Father.

Tonight there sleeps a happy child in the bed with Nana next door. Oh, that I may sleep with such blissful contentment as well.

(Image by: Ranhar2)

its time for milk and cookies

Today is Friday Eve. It was the first sunny day after a week of desperately needed rain. When I walked outside this morning the rays of sunlight streamed through the trees and warmed the wet ground, singing the prelude to Friday in loud voices. This whole day has been straining to reach its true purpose: ushering in the weekend. I like Friday Eves because I get that itch of anticipation for something good that is coming. Its the feeling you get as a kid on Christmas Eve. The tree is packed with presents just waiting to be opened. The kitchen smells like cinnamon buns, homemade cookies, and coffee. Listening to Daddy read Luke 2 fills you up with joy - a Savior is coming!! Christmas Eve was almost better as a kid than Christmas Day because of the deep joy that comes from waiting expectantly for something good; waiting for something very good.

That's how I feel sometimes on Friday Eves. Tomorrow brings the introduction to evening fellowship, the possibility of new beers on tap at Barley's, good homegrown music, new friends, sleeping in on Saturday, enjoying a day at home, time to read good books, walks in the park, time with the family of God, and ahhhhhh REST. I can't wait for Friday. I love Friday Eve because it says, "Get ready! The weekend is almost here!"

I've been reading Isaiah this month, and it strikes me as a book full of expectancy. Isaiah is always saying in effect, "The Lord is doing something. Look for it!" Sometimes, he speaks of exile and judgement, other times of restoration and redemption. But the voice of Isaiah never fails to call the reader to expect God to move. I want to live with a sense of expectancy on more days than just Friday Eves and Christmas Eve. I want to live each day full of hope, knowing and even expecting God to show up and do something good. He is so full of goodness.

God says in Isaiah, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

I feel like eating milk and cookies before I go to bed, just like on Christmas Eve. (It helps that I'm listening to Over the Rhine's Christmas Album, "Snow Angel.") I can't wait to wake up on Friday morning. The Lord will do good things tomorrow!!

"And I - in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness." Psalm 17:15

(photo by Zesmerelda)

wade in the water...

hello dear blog.

Love is a curious thing. Sometimes I wonder at how I feel so far off from it, even when it wells up inside me. I think I'm realizing in a new way that true love is sacrificial. Obviously there is the ultimate sacrificial love: Jesus. But, the reality is that love, even in my everyday life, must be sacrificial. What does that look like? I'm not entirely sure. I have an idea, and I'm pretty certain that its the hardest thing to really live out consistently. I hate that it is hard.

Let me recap my weekend. Perhaps these thoughts will mesh into some sign of intelligent life on mars.

A man asked my roommate to be his wife this weekend. He took her to the Biltmore Estate and carried her across a river. I suppose it was meant to be symbolic. Would she follow him into the tide? Would she trust him to carry her? Would he love her more than himself, even if the water rose to dangerous heights? The answer is yes. She said yes. He said yes. They are getting married in March. Its beautiful, really.

Saturday night I went to a Wedding reception. The bride was absolutely stunning. There was beauty all around. Words were spoken about the marriage vows and what they mean. I found comfort in hearing that even in this we cannot fulfil those vows without Christ. He is sufficient when we are not. I saw my dear friends, George and Terri (parents of the bride) looking joyful. That made my heart smile. At one point the photographer gathered the family together. Now this was a beautiful picture. In the center were George and Terri (parents) and around them were their newlywed daughter and son-in-law, next to them their son and his wife, and then their other daughter and her fiancee. They all kissed their beloved ones as the camera flashed. It was beautiful.

There has been much on my mind these past few days that has slowly been sinking into my bloodstream. I have yet to be able to express it. The hard part about all this is that while I am excited and moved to tears by these beautiful, even wonderful events, somewhere inside me is a very selfish little girl who can't stop looking inward. I have mulled over my fears of being alone when my roommate(s) leave, and my fears of never knowing this type of love. I've been sad when I've pondered the idea that somebody must want to be around another person all the time to want to marry them. That is hard to imagine in my life. I don't really like to be around me all the time, and I've lived with myself for 27 years. I've looked inward, and struggled to pour out into the lives of those around me.

Love must be sacrificial. Even in the small things. Tonight I was alone while my roommates were out celebrating. I wasn't invited. I felt lonely. I felt hurt. And as I mulled over these feelings and all the events of the weekend I realized that even in this I struggled to love them. I asked God to help me see beyond myself. He did. I forgot myself long enough to love on them when they got home. Its hard to sacrifice, especially my own self-love and self-pity. That is often the hardest thing to give up.

And now I run to the lover of my soul - the one who was sacrificed for me and who lives to intercede for me - the one who despite the blackest parts of my soul, says "I want to be with you all the time. I want to marry you." Oh that I may learn to love fully and deeply -in every day life... that I may learn that love is not about me.

For some more interesting (and much more coherent) thoughts on this topic, check out a recent post on Revol.

goodnight dear blog.

mountain air, strong coffee, and jennster von loves-a-lot-son

I rose early this morning and drove to the mountains. The morning sun streamed down through a canopy of the brightest green as I wound my way through the countryside leading up to Tryon, NC. At the end of the road I was met with fresh mountain air, a pot of strong coffee brewing, and my dear friend, Jenny Morris, aka Jennster von Loves-a-lot-son. This is a rare treat for me because Jenny lives far away in Memphis. Luckily her folks live in Tryon, only a 45 minute drive away from me. She was home this weekend, so I jumped at the chance to see her.

We poured our coffee and sat on her parents' back porch which has one of the most incredible views I've seen this side of Colorado. We talked about life, God, boys, and old friends among other things. We seem to both be settling into the idea that life isn't about where we used to be or where we want to be but rather where we are right now. I suppose life has many seasons and those season are always changing, but it helps to know what season you are in, so you can embrace it fully. We both agreed that we are in a season of singleness and as much as everyone around us seems to think this is not such a great thing, we're both realizing that it isn't such a terrible season. There's beauty in it, adventure, quietness and hope. I want to live in the present without dwelling on what used to be, or what will maybe one day be. I came across this verse this morning in Isaiah. I found it to be quite fitting:

"Forget the former things; Do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now, it springs up; Do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

We also talked about music, writing, and blogging. Yes, I admit it, I am a total blog-nerd-internet-junkie-woman. But, if you are one of those too, then you should check out this website that Jenny showed me. Its her friend Amy's blog and she has some amazing thoughts to share. Jenny also introduced me to a new band. I like their sound a lot. Check out Newcomers Home.

It was such a sweet time. I miss her already.

How is it that some people always make you feel at home? I've felt more at home in the presence of dear friends like Jenny than I have sometimes felt in my own house.
God is so good for giving me such a wonderful happy Saturday gift. :)

I want to be more grateful than I am.

breakfast hope

I had breakfast with Toby, my pastor, this morning. Here is an example of God's incredible grace and goodness. I get to eat eggs and grits with my pastor at 7am on a Wednesday morning, just because I asked. I love having a pastor who is my friend and a spiritual father and mentor at the same time. After I talked about all things I struggle with, namely feeling like the most selfish person on the planet (which in fact is an expression of me being selfish!), and laughing at myself, getting frustrated, and laughing some more Toby said some things, that as always, will stick with me.

He said, "You know, you're not the only one who struggles with this. And you're not doing so bad as you think. I can see the cynicism in your eyes, but trust me, there is hope."

I left thinking about what E. Prentiss says in "Stepping Heavenward": Stop dwelling on the past. If I did not love God yesterday as I should, I can start now. I can begin again today, because as many times as I fail, he still loves me. I am unfaithful, but He loves me! I don't obey him, but he loves me! I am selfish and impatient, but he loves me! I am a sinner, but he loves me!

I think I really need to let this sink in all over again. I need to remind myself of these truths every morning. Starting over today has made a difference in my level of peace and joy. I've not "arrived" yet, but I'm still walking on the road..

Here is a great hymn that is singing in my heart:

Father long before creation,

Thou hast chosen us in love.

And Thy love so deep, so moving,

Draws us close to Christ above.

Still it keeps us, still it keeps us

Firmly fixed in Christ alone!

Though the world may change its fashion,

Yet our God is ever the same.

His compassion and His covenant,

Through all ages will remain.

God's own children, God's own children

Must forever praise His name!

God's compassion is my story,

Is my boasting all the day.

Mercy free and never failing,

Moves my will, directs my way.

God so loved us, God so loved us,

That His only son He gave!

Loving Father now before Thee,

We will ever praise Thy love.

And our songs will sound unceasing

Till we reach our home above.

Giving glory, giving glory,
To our God and to the Lamb!

Giving glory, giving glory to our God and to the Lamb!!!!

spaghetti for breakfast

The morning is here and all is quiet except for the occasional rustle of leaves as the wind passes through the trees and the distant sound of Linford playing on the stereo inside. Its chilly enough for a sweater, but the filtered sun shines onto the porch and warms my face. Yes, this glorious, wonderful, quiet Saturday morning is finally here. I feel like I have been waiting my whole life to have this morning. Both of my roommates have gone out of town, and they've taken their dogs with them. Only Lindy and I are left.

If truth be told, I've been struggling lately. Busy-ness seems to crowd out rest, and the volume of work to be done seems to outweigh time like a sumo wrestler against a mouse. Most of the time I feel incredibly lonely, but I never have the luxury of just being alone. With two roommates (whom I love) and three dogs (whom I love) and what seems like constant dinner parties (not thrown by me) and visitors, I find that I long for solitude and quiet. And the same battle that has raged in my heart my whole life, the battle against selfishness, seems to have flared up amidst all of this. It is a hard thing to deal with the sin of self-love. Its a tricky one because it manifests itself in so many ways. Whether I am high or low, alone or in company, happy or sad, tired or wired, it pops up and takes root again. And it hurts when God takes a trowel to that root and kills it. I wish I knew how to be free of this battle, but I am sure God uses it for good, though I don't always see it. I am identifying most these days with one of my favorite literary characters. Her name is Katy Mortimer Elliott and she is the main character of a wonderful little book called "Stepping Heavenward" by Elizabeth Prentiss. Here is a snippet from Katy's journal that captures my sentiment of late:

"And I can see now, what I wonder I did not see at the time, that God was dealing very kindly and wisely with me when He made Martha overlook my good qualities, of which I suppose I have some, as everybody else has, and call out all my bad ones, since the ax was thus laid at the root of self-love. And it is plain that self-love cannot die without a fearful struggle"

But I am not too discouraged. For God has promised in 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." And not only does he promise to do all that for me, he has doubly blessed me by giving me this quiet, beautiful Saturday morning all to myself where I can sit on my porch and enjoy such simple pleasures as eating leftover spaghetti with a cherry coke zero for breakfast. :) I'm so glad that God is good.

Peace is coming...

An apple a day...

After a brief hiatus from the blog world I am back, thankfully, due to Nelly's gracious prodding.

So much has been happening in my life since I last posted, I feel as though I have a wealth of material to write about, simply to update the blog readers (which, I think is only Nelly!) on my comings and goings. Perhaps I will have to blog more than once in a day! Ah, but this is very doubtful. So, I will give an overview of the latest news in bullets form:

• I moved to a new old house in July/August. My parents bought a house and I get the great pleasure of renting from them. The goal, I believe, is to buy the house myself, someday. In the meantime, we are fixing it up. It is a great house with a fabulous yard, but it is requiring a lot of work. Needless to say, it hasn't yet become the restful homestead I'm hoping for. I'm still hopeful, but exhausted.


• I have two new roommates. Their names are Mary and Lindsay. They have two dogs. So altogether we are 3 people and 3 dogs. The dogs are: Lindy (mel's border collie), Maya (mary's siberian huskey), and Jo (lindsay's black lab). All I need is three rings in the backyard and I'd be living at the circus.



(In this photo: roomie Lindsay and Mel with new haircut)

• I got a fun haircut.


• I've started a new eating regimen and have been losing weight. This makes me feel great. Its amazing what eating healthier will do for you, both inside and out. Pink Lady apples are probably my favorite food these days. I eat one almost every day. An apple a day keeps the doctor away! I've coined a new proverb about apples: An apple a day instead of cookies and chips makes your clothes fit better.



(photo by Barb Iverson)


• I'm reading lots of new books. (I will blog about these in another post.)


• I'm still single, and its OK.
  

So there you have it. The latest news. Life has been busy, but God is still good. That's one thing I know I can count on.

Character like coins...

"But one day as I was passing into the field, this sentence fell upon my soul: "Thy righteousness is in heaven." And with the eyes of my soul I saw Jesus at the Father's right hand. 'There,' I said, 'is my righteousness!' So that wherever I was or whatever I was doing, God could not say to me, 'Where is your righteousness?' For it is always right before him. I saw that it is not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse, for my righteousness IS Christ. Now my chains fell off indeed. My temptations fled away, and I lived sweetly at peace with God. Now I could look from myself to him and could reckon that all my character was like the coins a rich man carries in his pocket when all his gold is safe in a trunk at home. Oh I saw that my gold was indeed in a trunk at home, in Christ my Lord. Now Christ was all: my righteousness, sanctification, redemption."

-John Bunyan

These thoughts from John Bunyan have penetrated my spirit. I was overwhelmed on Sunday by my self-righteous heart. We've been having difficulties with our landlord in the past couple of weeks. I found myself constantly getting riled up thinking of all the ways that I was right and she was wrong. I praised myself for having been such an excellent tenant and became angry with her for failing to recognize this truth and accusing me of the opposite. "How dare she question my character? My honesty? My integrity?", I shouted in my mind as I shook my fist in the air. Hmmm...I began to realize that I have not been the perfect tenant. I have not always done everything right. I have even tried to cover up my mistakes so that I would not have to admit them to myself or anyone. The situation with my landlord is not the only area of my life in which I have boasted my own righteousness.

And so John Bunyan's words penetrated through the mud of my self-righteous heart with the force of an opened fire hydrant of clean water. It helped me to understand that my good character is merely a handful of coins that I carry in my pocket. My righteousness is a treasure chest of gold stored at home in Christ - my righteousness IS Christ.

Chasing Water

I was outside this morning planting flowers in my garden while Lindy, my puppy, played in the yard nearby. When I got out the hose to water my newly planted flowers Lindy stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes were fixed on the stream of water coming out of the hose. I stood still and watched her as she slowly crept closer to the end of the water stream. Just when she got right up to it I wiggled the hose and got her nose wet. She jumped back and then ran towards the stream! I moved the hose around and she began to chase the water back and forth around the yard with very ferocious puppy attempts to bite the water. But, to her dismay, and my amusement she only got wet! :)

It made me realize that there are so many simple things in life that are worth giving my time and attention to, that I usually just overlook. And, its the simple things that end up bringing me the most joy in the end. I have a thing or two to learn from Lindy - today I learned that chasing water is great fun! I think I'll go back outside and try it myself!

Chasing Time

I feel like I am in a race against time, and every time I get close to taking the lead, time speeds up and blazes ahead of me out of sight. Or do I just happen to trip on my shoelaces at the most inopportune moment, slowing me down so much that it seems that I'll never catch up again? I'm not sure which is more accurate. Maybe its both.

There is so much that I have to do and even more still that I want to do. Sometimes I accomplish all that must be done, even if it is at the last minute. But rarely do I accomplish all of that and then some of the things I actually long to do. I struggle to find the time to get all of my work done by set deadlines at the firm, finish my schoolwork on time, keep up my house, take care of my dog, and honor the time I have committed to others.

For example this past week at work I have had the craziest jobs to finish on ridiculously short notice. I don't think I sat down once at work from Monday morning until Wednesday afternoon! I usually like to be ahead on my schoolwork, but lately I've been staying up late and turning my assignments in one minute before the deadline. I hate that I can't spend as much time with my puppy as I would like and as much as she needs. Minimal time is all I can offer right now, and I feel like it still isn't enough. There is so much to do around my house and in my yard - so many unfinished projects. I haven't done laundry in two weeks and the dishes are piling up! I hate that I live in a constant time crunch and something always gets sacrificed. It is usually my rest. Why is it so hard to rest?

Last Friday I went to Charleston for a Lindy Exchange (that's a swing dance weekend for all you non-dancers). I was excited but I was also dreading it because I was leaving so much undone at home. However, to my surprise it was the best thing I could have possibly done. I had forgotten how much I needed to sleep in, get good exercise, and be social. We stayed at a friend's beach house which was just the icing on the cake. I got up both mornings I was there and went swimming in the ocean. I danced in outdoor pavilions and to live bands. It was so freeing not to have time restraints tied to my ankles, weighing me down. I thought the weekend would make me more stressed, but it did the opposite. I am once again convinced that rest is not a option. It is a necessity. When I returned home I was ready to take on another week, and though it has been full speed and frenzied, I've made it through much better than I expected.

Now its Friday again. I am not making any plans. I am looking forward to staying home, doing laundry, planting flowers and making my home beautiful, playing with my puppy and loving on her, sleeping in, reading a magazine, and being with my church family on Sunday. There's a lot to do this weekend - but I am determined to rest through it all. Though time may get a big lead on me, I will continue to run with endurance. And it will be OK if I don't catch up overnight.