NEW BLOG- NEW NAME

At last the unveiling has arrived. That's right folks, I've officially changed my name and my web address.

My new name is: Melissa B. McAllister
My new blog address is: www.melissamcallister.com.

You can also find my updated email address on the new site.

I'd like to thank all the wonderful internet robots at Blogger for the 2 pleasant years I've spent here. It has been an adventure.

I hope you'll all stop by my new site and say hello. This year I'm committed to writing as well and often as I can.

Coming Soon!

Friends, readers, fellow bloggers; lend me your ears!

While I admit that I have severely neglected my blog in the last six months and rightly deserve a virtual flogging for having done so, this post brings good news of creative scribblings to come. This is a pre-announcement to a major announcement.

Soon and very soon, my writing hiatus will come to an end.  I have truly missed the craft of forming words, and I am excited to begin again with freshness.  I'd be honored if those readers who are still holding out for me to return will follow me to my new web-destination.  In just a few short weeks I'll be launching a brand new site complete with blog, articles, writing projects, recommendations and awesomeness.   As Nelly likes to say, this blog will soon have a brand new dress.  However, the new domain name will remain unveiled until the appropriate time.   On a similar note, I'm getting married in FOUR weeks, at which time I [personally] will also have a new dress and a new name. :)

Stay tuned, folks.  There is much to come.

October Approaches...

October approaches. Crispness

creeping into air,

leaves rustling with color

pressing rusty hand prints into

sidewalks.

Time for socks and sweaters,

pipes and patched scarves.

Time to bring together

warming lover's hands

on long walks under fading

evening skies.

October smells

of freshly sharpened pencils,

sticks of cinnamon,

distant campfires and

pine needles fallen.

Children grow tall

in October,

their minds and legs

stretching out

before my eyes.

I blink and they are changed.

Anticipation spills over.

Unexpected beauty of a new morning

thrills me with pleasant

surprise.

I should never want to know

a world without

Octobers.

(Photo by Sarae)

the quiet things are good for you...

I'm learning lately that I need more quiet things in my life. I'm beginning to realize that it is healthy to spend a more significant amount of time winding down. Someone recently commented how surprising it is that I should enjoy spending an evening alone with a book and glass of wine. In the midst of so little sleep this summer, I think I appreciate the rare hours of peace much more than I ever have.

But, I haven't only found moments of peace in being by myself. I've found it in genuine friendships, long conversations, and community dinners. There is something so wonderful about being able to rest in another person's presence; whether sitting on the porch early in the morning with my roommate, sharing piping hot cups of tea and long conversations at night with a friend or taking a walk through town without feeling like I have to talk. I find solace in things like a simple, heartfelt hug and listening. Listening is something I'm learning to do better. These days, I'm finding new life in listening to other people.

Last night I slept without any external help. Granted, it took me several hours to fall asleep, but I slept nonetheless. I napped today on my own as well, which was incredibly rejuvenating. Tonight I turned on Over the Rhine's Drunkard's Prayer on the porch and took a few minutes to soar high on my tree swing as the sun was setting. I like feeling the thick wind brush against my face. I like rocking in my teak rocking chair under a blue gray sky, the dark fuzzy shadow of of the dogwoods forming a great canopy of peace and quiet around me. The soft, steady chorus of crickets is soothing, with the occasional cicada singing out a bright solo.

I'm hoping to sleep again on my own tonight, perhaps a few hours longer.

Its good to finally be able to say that I feel at home somewhere. I've not felt truly at home in a very long time. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there.

Photo by ilkin.

sometimes...

...life hands me things that make me smile in spite of myself. :-D

it's raining, it's pouring...

After coordinating a few rides, I dropped my car off at Precision Tune this morning around 8 a.m. Last night my engine over heated, so I was a little concerned about the little Honda. I thought I'd just take her in for a check up and maybe some more fluids. Perhaps she was just dehydrated.

I got the call around 9:45 a.m.

Radiator's busted, bursted, kaputt. Happy Monday.

Well, that pretty much bummed me out the rest of the day. At lunchtime the sky darkened as Fay, the tropical storm of the month, descended on us giving the ground quite a drink. The grass and trees seemed to be letting out great sighs of relief as they opened wide their mouths to receive the rain. I took my turkey and cheese sandwich into the conference room, which has a large picture window and a screened door that opens to the back yard of the office. I turned the lights off and propped open the door and just listened to the rain and occasional thunder for awhile in silence. I felt an incredible urge to run outside and let the heavy rain pound down on my head and drench me completely through. I thought about taking an umbrella out with me, holding it upside down until it filled with water and then turning it over to pour the cool water over my hair and face. It would have felt nice to have the rain wash out my insides.

I didn't do it. Eventually the storm moved on, and so did I.

Sometimes I think the rain in my life can be healthy. Its healthy to cry sometimes. Its sobering to realize I am not in absolute control of my life. But, lately I am really ready for some sunshine.

(Photo by Oviso0n)

Psalm 4:8

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

healthy apathy?

I've been listening to The Weepies a lot lately. I've always liked their sound, but for some reason they seem to be resonating with me the last few months. The combination of beautiful, mellow music and cynical, apathetic lyrics gives me a sense of mingled hope and mild depression.

I've been struggling with feeling well physically this year. According to my doctor, I've apparently developed insomnia and increased intensity of headaches as a result of being too stressed out and/or doing too much. So sleep is an issue. Obviously that effects my attitude in most areas of my life. I find that I am irritable, short fused and generally pessimistic these days, especially when it comes to my job. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job. I have a great boss, fun co-workers and invaluable opportunities to experience some quite interesting work. I've been losing my focus though. Its hard to get through a day without becoming extremely tired and cynical. I have a feeling that protecting my Sabbath will help with this problem. Sometimes I wonder if my body is responding to my recent spiritual apathy or if its the other way around. I feel they are connected somehow though. I think I'm going to drink some Tension Tamer Tea and pray about this for bit, then attempt to sleep.

Below are two sets of words that have been lingering in my head today. I find the contrast between them interesting. The first are the lyrics of a Weepies song called "Not Your Year." I connect with the sense of "[un]healthy apathy" that is conveyed in this song. The second are a few verses from Psalm 3, which is what I've begun to pray for myself these days. Here is a startling demonstration of how the message of the world and the message of God are complete opposites.

One: Not Your Year: by the Weepies

Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.

Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you’re happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.

Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There’s a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you’re doing wrong

Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating “don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up.”

Two: Psalm 3:3-5

"But you are a shield around me, O Lord;
you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud,
and he answers me from his holy hill.

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side."

the world can wait

Lately my life seems to be spinning faster than the earth. I don't know why I feel constant pressure to "fill up" every moment of my time and energy with extra-curricular activities, people pleasing, and to-do lists. Tonight is the first night that I have rested since I returned from my vacation in Santa Fe. It seems odd that I would come home from a week long Sabbath only to disregard the principle in my "regular" life. But then again, this is a part of being human I suppose.

This evening I've found refreshment in simple things: washing dishes; reading old letters and journals; throwing a tennis ball; walking barefoot in the damp grass; listening to new music; letting the porch fan sweep a warm night breeze through my hair; meditating on a psalm.

I need more nights like tonight. I need to live in slow motion. I want to savor the genuine moments of connecting with other people. I smile inside when I think of these rare gifts. I don't want them to pass me by. I want to protect the Sabbath in my life.

Life is too short not to go deep. The world can wait....

(Photo by DOS82)

exploration...

Today I got my first nosebleed of the week. Heck yes, I'm in the desert.

Yesterday was a day of exploration in more than one sense. I began the day by going on a beautiful hike with my new friend Liz. We took the Atalaya Trail. It begins here at St. John's College and ascends about 3 miles into the desert mountains. I cannot describe how incredibly beautiful the landscape is here. What struck me the most was the amount of life that thrives in this environment. We saw lizards and birds and rabbits all along the trail. If you look closely in the picture above you can see a lizard that blends in with the tree.

After returning from the hike, I decided it would be a good idea to drive up to Chimayo, an old New Mexico village about 30 miles north of Santa Fe. Everyone has been talking about how beautiful it is and how I must go see the church there while I am here. So, I punched in the address in my trusty GPS (which I borrowed from my sister for the week) and set off on my journey. At some point I made a wrong turn and the GPS began to "recalculate." Before I knew it I was twisting down red dirt roads around the edge of red rock mesa cliffs. There was no sign of civilisation in sight. Just when I decided to abandon my fruitless search for Chimayo the GPS battery died. So I was lost in the middle of the desert (literally) with no cell phone signal, no directions, and no clue how to get home. I finally found a paved road again, called home and got some spontaneous "map quest" directions to point me towards Santa Fe. It was frustrating at the time, but in hindsight, I probably got to see some of the most beautiful part of New Mexico completely by accident.

(This is a picture of the desert I got lost in. This photo doesn't do it justice.)

I had lunch at the Blue Corn Cafe (recommended by Joy) and visited the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum in the afternoon. Last night I continued my exploration by delving into the wells of songwriting that have yet to be tapped. Eva, Ben and I finished our song and really had fun jamming. We perform tomorrow morning for the class. I'm a little nervous, but I am really proud of our song. I'll post the lyrics tomorrow.

Its hard to believe the week is almost over. I've really made some great friends here. Its cool when you can admit that you read Shakespeare plays aloud for fun in your spare time, and nobody looks at you like you're a freak. In fact, they all nod and say, "Yeah, I love doing that." We're all such nerds, but I like being in the company of like minds.

Coyotes and Collaboration These Latter Days...

The entire campus was rudely awaken this morning around 5:24 AM by coyotes. I remember because I sat up straight in the bed with a jerk, my ears ringing, and looked at the clock. I think the most shocking thing about the coyotes was how loud they were. It sounded like a pack of hyenas had literally entered the building and set off the fire alarm. I'd never heard a coyote before and I can tell you they don't sound anything like I expected. I expected them to sound like dogs, or perhaps like howling werewolves. They sound like screaming hyenas. Their voices cut through the night and echoed back and forth as if they were bouncing around inside of a giant metal bell. It was pretty creepy, I have to admit.

However creepy my awakening may have been, the day only got better. We listened to more of each other's songs in class today and then were divided into groups to collaborate on writing a song to present to the class on Saturday. I got in a group with Eva, Ben, and Deborah. Deborah is local, and had to go to work this afternoon so Eva, Ben and I spent 3 hours throwing ideas around and we came up with a collaborative song that I really like. I feel honored to have had the opportunity to create something with these talented artists. Its funny how these things transpire. I would never have expected the song to come out the way it did, but it morphed into a life of its own and reflects a piece of each of us. We've still got to polish the harmonies, and I'm going to attempt at adding some piano to the mix. We'll probably add a second guitar as well. Once its completely finished I will post the lyrics, and maybe a rough recording if someone with a mac can tape it for us. For now, I'll leave you with the title, to wet your appetites. We call it: "Paper Places."

I went to dinner at the Cowgirl Hall of Fame with some of my new friends. I had fish tacos. They were bueno. Then we carpooled to hear Over the Rhine play in concert. This was a unique experience because it was just the two of them on stage. They have a completely different dynamic without the band. I felt like I could have been in their living room. I like it. :) Robert Deeble, who is participating in the songwriting class, opened. He's got a great sound and is just a super nice guy. Check out his music here.

Yesterday at lunch I mentioned to Karin and Linford that their song, Latter Days, helped me get through one of the hardest years of my life - the year I moved back from Germany. I've seen them play numerous times in the last 3 years but never heard them perform that song. When they came back out on stage for the encore at the end of the show Karin said they would end with a song from their album, Good Dog Bad Dog. My heart rose in my throat as an excited hope swelled that they might play Latter Days. My hopes were realized. As soon as Linford played the first chord and Karin sang the first line, "What a beautiful piece of heartache..." the painful yet wonderful memories of my last few months in Munich came rushing in while the tears fell. I cried through the whole song and it was the most beautiful I've ever heard it. Those 3 minutes will go down in history with the most touching experiences of my life. I gave Linford and Karin a big hug after the show and thanked them. I'm not sure if they played it just for me or not. (Probably not.) But nonetheless I feel it was a gift and was not by accident. It was the perfect end to the perfect day. Tonight really made my week.

I'm going hiking tomorrow after breakfast with my new friend, Liz. Hopefully we won't run into any wild coyotes or poisonous lizards on the trail. :)

(Linford Detweiler, piano wizard)

(Karin Berquist, voice from another world.)

(Eva, Robert Deeble, and Me)

Digestion is Neccessary

I sometimes feel great tension between myself and myself. Today has been filled with alternating tides of inspiration and defeat. On one hand I have been so nourished by the community of artists here that I feel almost desperate to create. This morning's class was the best one yet. We began listening to each other's songs. Each song was different, and affected everyone differently. It reminded me how organic songs truly are. They are living, breathing animals that cannot be placed in a cage. After having a wonderful conversation with Karin and Linford at lunch (wherein I confessed that I follow them around the southeast when they are touring) I felt a surge of confidence that I might have a song in me that is just waiting to come out.

However, I also had some very enriching conversations today with other writers about books and words. The excitement of writing prose and poetry began to grip me again throughout the course of the afternoon and peaked during Valerie Sayers' short story reading this evening. I was so drawn into the story that I was leaning over the edge of my chair. I left with a sensation of joy that I haven't experienced off of the dance floor in quite some time. (And if you know me, that's saying something.)

As I watched the sunset, I kept mulling over some phrases I wrote a few weeks ago and I realized I was humming. I thought to myself, "Self, don't lose this before it slips away. This could turn into a great song." So I went to a practice room and began to bang out some chords. I was fairly pleased with what I'd come up with after about a half hour. Something about it was nagging me though. Then, just when I thought I'd finally written something mildly original, I realized that I was playing the exact (and I mean exact) same chord progression as OTR's "Little Did I know." Defeat washed over me like the high tide over a hundred sandcastles.

I wonder if I am meant to write songs or simply play and enjoy the songs written by others. I wonder if writing music isn't really my bag. Perhaps I should focus on other writing genres, such as fiction, creative nonfiction and poetry. I'm not sure. One thing I do know for sure is that I love books and I love music. I will never, ever stop reading or listening.

(The photo of the coy fish above doesn't have anything to do with this post. I took the picture this afternoon at the little pond here. I just thought it was pretty and felt like posting it.)

The High Desert

Last night I spent my first evening in the high desert. It is not at all what I expected. I didn't expect a desert to have cool weather, or so much life and beauty. Its funny how a desert can be so alive. There are animals everywhere and trees growing out of rocks. The Glen Workshop is held at St. John's College which is at an altitude of around 7500 feet. The sky is probably the most amazing part about this place so far. Its the most unbelievable sky I've ever seen. So blue, with huge, fluffy clouds moving across the mountains in ever changing forms. The sun is brighter here it seems, and creation just sings all around me. I did manage to find the only patch of grass on campus this afternoon and take a nap in it. Its easy to relax here. Its easy to rest.

I met Linford and Karin of Over the Rhine last night, and of course I acted like a complete spaz fangirl. I felt like a deer in headlights and walked away kicking myself for turning into a complete goober upon meeting them. However, this morning I was able to redeem myself by having an opportunity to tell my story and listen to the stories of others. I realized that I am not the only rabid fan in the high desert this week, so that was a relief. We spent the first class telling stories and remembering how music has played a role in each of our lives. It was deeply moving and I feel as though any barriers that might have prevented us from being vulnerable with each other as a group came down through that time. By telling my story and thinking about my life and music I was able to identify some areas where I really struggle with the art of creating. I am really looking forward to this week, hoping to grow in multiple avenues.

The community here is vibrant and unique, and already I've made some good friends. This blog has been more informative than creative, but my mind is still in "processing" mode after such an emotionally stimulating morning. I'll be sure to post some of the creative juices later in the week, when and if they start to flow.

At Brittany's request I've been taking "oodles" of pictures. So I'll leave you with a few shots of the incredible show sky put on for us last night. :)

Absence Makes the Blog Grow Fonder...

Well party people, after a bit of a hiatus from blogging, I'm finally back. I found it ironically fitting that I should re-christen my blog by posting on the eve of my departure to Santa Fe, New Mexico for a week of creative muscle flexing. For those of you who do not already know about my adventure, get ready to be jealous. I'm attending the Glen Workshop where I get to learn about writing and music with Over the Rhine, as well as mingle with other writers, artists and musicians for 7 solid days.

Nelly and Brittany have insisted that I LIVE-BLOG this week, so I will do my best to keep up a daily report (with pictures) of all my goings-on and whether or not Linford, Karin and I are BFF yet. :)

In all seriousness though, I am thoroughly looking forward to this vacation. I've been so overwhelmed with work and life the last few months that I've run myself into the ground. I'm praying that this week will be a time to recharge my batteries -- physically, spiritually, emotionally and creatively. I'd covet your prayers as well for these things. Perhaps when I return I won't neglect my blog or my writing as much. Maybe I will follow Nelly's example and get my blog a new dress when I get back. Maybe she'd like a sassy southwestern outfit from Santa Fe.

Now, I really must be going. My ride for the airport leaves at 5 A.M. tomorrow morning and I haven't started packing yet. :)

(Photo by Rainer Ebert)

face to face with the state of things...

I finished reading "Oliver Twist" by Charles Dickens last week. I have since almost finished another book. But, nevertheless, the closing paragraph of Mr. Dickens' novel has remained in the forefront of my mind. The book itself seems, in hindsight, to have been a grand soap opera of words from the 17th century. All of the necessary elements were there: scandal, crime, sex, murder, calamity and suspense. But underneath, I found the core to be made up of grace, mercy and the unbelievable presence of God's simultaneous goodness and justice towards humanity, though we rarely notice it.

The book I'm currently reading (Rosie, by Ann Lamott) is riddled with tragedy which is, I'm afraid, not uncommon in reality. There have been moments when I've laughed out loud. Others when I've wanted to cry. Still others, where I've been so angry at the turn of events that I've literally thrown the book across the room. (This is, by the way, the mark of an excellent writer, regardless of how disturbing the contents of the book.) I picked it up again tonight after a 24 hour hiatus from it. I am beginning to see glimpses of coming redemption in it. I am hoping for it.

Incidentally enough, I've also found myself reading the book of Job these last couple of months. That coupled with Toby's sermon this morning on Psalm 90 has made me think long and hard about how fleeting life truly is, and how to live in light of that truth while still holding fast to the unmovable hope we have in Christ. (You can listen to Toby's sermon here: www.redeemerchurch.net)

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this, but I know I'd like my life to change. I feel a change coming on. I've been challenged this week by various people and circumstances. I'd like to be like Oliver and Rose at the end of "Oliver Twist" as Dickens describes them. They are not strangers to hardship, yet they remain faithful to God and dependant on His goodness to sustain them. Dickens' closing paragraphs express it well:

"How the two orphans [Oliver and Rose], tried by adversity, remembered its lessons in mercy to others, and mutual love, and fervent thanks to Him who had protected and preserved them -- these are all matters which need not be told. I have said that they were truly happy; and without strong affection and humanity of heart, and gratitude to that Being whose code is Mercy, and whose great attribute is Benevolence to all things that breathe, happiness can never be attained."

(Photo by Gary Knight)

Flyin' Solo Over the Rhine...

I drove to Asheville to see Over the Rhine tonight in concert. Try as I might, I couldn't find anyone who could accompany me. But I made up my mind to go, so I went. As it turns out, a little solo time was just what I needed. Though I sat in a room crowded with people whose names I'd never heard, I was in a world all my own. This was easily the best performance I've heard yet from OtR, hands down.

I am amazed at the power in music. There is a beauty found in music that is indescribable. Music makes something deep inside me move. Sometimes, when I hear good music, I fall into a whirling cyclone of thoughts, memories and fantasies. Other times reality hits like an 18-wheeler. Music is curious that way. It can conjure a different time or place, and can transport the mind onto the pathways of the heart which it would never dream or dare to tread on its own. Music is powerful, much the way words are powerful. I find I connect to so much of myself within music and words. Perhaps that's why I love songs and books so much. I admire those who can weave a rich tapestry with only a handful of words and notes. Over the Rhine definitely fits this description. I will never, ever tire of seeing them perform or listening to their albums.

Tonight, the band seemed so much at ease, having so much fun. Karin, waving her hands high over her head and spreading her arms wide as she sang, as if she were about to take flight; Linford immersed in his piano, eyes closed, head swaying, while the most intoxicating harmonies flowed from his fingertips. I've seen them play before, and they are always excellent. But tonight, they seemed to really be in their element. Although I sat there alone, I was in my element too, my mind travelling, heart pounding in the presence of so much beauty.

I rolled down my windows and breathed deep the fresh scent of the Pisgah woods as I drove down the mountain towards home. Pisgah has the unique quality of always smelling like it has recently rained even when it hasn't. Other than the wind, it was an outwardly silent ride. But inwardly, the music was still playing. Linford's thick, deep chords and Karin's other-worldly voice still ringing in my ears.

I had a nice night flyin' solo. But, next time I'll take you with me. :)

(Photo by Repoort)

freshly baked tears

Today brought with it the marriage of physical exhaustion and spiritual dryness. I came home from work to a quiet house, a sick puppy, and a mess. Without speaking (which is odd for me, even when I'm alone), I turned on some Over the Rhine and began to unpack from my weekend in Charleston. I cleaned in mental silence, folded laundry and occasionally stopped to pet my sad, sick little puppy's face. At 8 O'clock I went for a walk around the neighborhood with Lindy. I just couldn't stop thinking, even though I tried. When I came home I made some dinner and sat down on the porch to read. I finished a chapter and then decided to see if I could muster up something to blog about.

I felt at a loss for words. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't stop thinking about all the secret fears which welled up to the surface last night after talking with my roommate about life and loving others. I couldn't stop worrying about my sick dog, and whether she is going to be OK. I couldn't stop feeling guilty for dancing like a crazy woman so many nights in a row that I've become physically exhausted to the point that I can scarcely find the energy to pray. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that my roommate, who I've only just begun to know and love so dearly, closed on her house today, marking the beginning of the end of our tenancy together.

And so, in these moments of being trapped between my own thoughts, I decided to read some of my old posts. I chose to read posts under the label "God's Goodness." I read through almost one year's worth of entries speaking the truth of God's goodness to me. Thick, heavy tears came quickly to my eyes and fell down upon my cheeks like stones being thrown into placid water. They seemed to flow from a deep well mixed with joy and sadness at the same time. The ripples are still spreading out, forming large rings in my heart and mind.

Its amazing to me how God will meet me even in my weakness when I am too weak to pray; to weak to do anything with my fear and worry except lay it out honestly and say "I don't know what to do with all of this!!"

I am glad tomorrow is Friday. I get to be with my community group tomorrow night at Barley's. I get to spend my Saturday at home. I get to rest on Sunday - I get to be with my Father and His family.... I long for the fellowship of the Church. I long for the fellowship of Christ. It is good for me to have solitude sometimes. It is good for me to be quiet. It is good for me to remember what is truly important.

(Photo by Caliope)

addendum to the previous two posts

I forgot to mention the two fabulous dance partners in the video clips previously posted. At the Friday Evening Dance I had the honor of dancing with Wallace Ryerson, and at Folly Beach Pier, Matt Truett.

Charleston Lindy Exchange - Swing Dancing

One more short clip from the Friday evening dance in Charleston. Wallace and I never plan to color coordinate, but somehow it always works out that way. I guess that's what happens when your favorite color is red. :)

Swing Dancing at Folly Beach Pier

I spent the weekend in Charleston, SC dancing at the second annual Charleston Lindy Exchange. Here's a little video of me dancing at the Folly Beach Pier. Dancing on a beautiful day overlooking the ocean has definitely made it into my top 5 dance experiences. It was prime atmosphere.

Disclaimer: please ignore the stupid things I do with my feet. :)