Character like coins...

"But one day as I was passing into the field, this sentence fell upon my soul: "Thy righteousness is in heaven." And with the eyes of my soul I saw Jesus at the Father's right hand. 'There,' I said, 'is my righteousness!' So that wherever I was or whatever I was doing, God could not say to me, 'Where is your righteousness?' For it is always right before him. I saw that it is not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse, for my righteousness IS Christ. Now my chains fell off indeed. My temptations fled away, and I lived sweetly at peace with God. Now I could look from myself to him and could reckon that all my character was like the coins a rich man carries in his pocket when all his gold is safe in a trunk at home. Oh I saw that my gold was indeed in a trunk at home, in Christ my Lord. Now Christ was all: my righteousness, sanctification, redemption."

-John Bunyan

These thoughts from John Bunyan have penetrated my spirit. I was overwhelmed on Sunday by my self-righteous heart. We've been having difficulties with our landlord in the past couple of weeks. I found myself constantly getting riled up thinking of all the ways that I was right and she was wrong. I praised myself for having been such an excellent tenant and became angry with her for failing to recognize this truth and accusing me of the opposite. "How dare she question my character? My honesty? My integrity?", I shouted in my mind as I shook my fist in the air. Hmmm...I began to realize that I have not been the perfect tenant. I have not always done everything right. I have even tried to cover up my mistakes so that I would not have to admit them to myself or anyone. The situation with my landlord is not the only area of my life in which I have boasted my own righteousness.

And so John Bunyan's words penetrated through the mud of my self-righteous heart with the force of an opened fire hydrant of clean water. It helped me to understand that my good character is merely a handful of coins that I carry in my pocket. My righteousness is a treasure chest of gold stored at home in Christ - my righteousness IS Christ.

Chasing Water

I was outside this morning planting flowers in my garden while Lindy, my puppy, played in the yard nearby. When I got out the hose to water my newly planted flowers Lindy stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes were fixed on the stream of water coming out of the hose. I stood still and watched her as she slowly crept closer to the end of the water stream. Just when she got right up to it I wiggled the hose and got her nose wet. She jumped back and then ran towards the stream! I moved the hose around and she began to chase the water back and forth around the yard with very ferocious puppy attempts to bite the water. But, to her dismay, and my amusement she only got wet! :)

It made me realize that there are so many simple things in life that are worth giving my time and attention to, that I usually just overlook. And, its the simple things that end up bringing me the most joy in the end. I have a thing or two to learn from Lindy - today I learned that chasing water is great fun! I think I'll go back outside and try it myself!

Chasing Time

I feel like I am in a race against time, and every time I get close to taking the lead, time speeds up and blazes ahead of me out of sight. Or do I just happen to trip on my shoelaces at the most inopportune moment, slowing me down so much that it seems that I'll never catch up again? I'm not sure which is more accurate. Maybe its both.

There is so much that I have to do and even more still that I want to do. Sometimes I accomplish all that must be done, even if it is at the last minute. But rarely do I accomplish all of that and then some of the things I actually long to do. I struggle to find the time to get all of my work done by set deadlines at the firm, finish my schoolwork on time, keep up my house, take care of my dog, and honor the time I have committed to others.

For example this past week at work I have had the craziest jobs to finish on ridiculously short notice. I don't think I sat down once at work from Monday morning until Wednesday afternoon! I usually like to be ahead on my schoolwork, but lately I've been staying up late and turning my assignments in one minute before the deadline. I hate that I can't spend as much time with my puppy as I would like and as much as she needs. Minimal time is all I can offer right now, and I feel like it still isn't enough. There is so much to do around my house and in my yard - so many unfinished projects. I haven't done laundry in two weeks and the dishes are piling up! I hate that I live in a constant time crunch and something always gets sacrificed. It is usually my rest. Why is it so hard to rest?

Last Friday I went to Charleston for a Lindy Exchange (that's a swing dance weekend for all you non-dancers). I was excited but I was also dreading it because I was leaving so much undone at home. However, to my surprise it was the best thing I could have possibly done. I had forgotten how much I needed to sleep in, get good exercise, and be social. We stayed at a friend's beach house which was just the icing on the cake. I got up both mornings I was there and went swimming in the ocean. I danced in outdoor pavilions and to live bands. It was so freeing not to have time restraints tied to my ankles, weighing me down. I thought the weekend would make me more stressed, but it did the opposite. I am once again convinced that rest is not a option. It is a necessity. When I returned home I was ready to take on another week, and though it has been full speed and frenzied, I've made it through much better than I expected.

Now its Friday again. I am not making any plans. I am looking forward to staying home, doing laundry, planting flowers and making my home beautiful, playing with my puppy and loving on her, sleeping in, reading a magazine, and being with my church family on Sunday. There's a lot to do this weekend - but I am determined to rest through it all. Though time may get a big lead on me, I will continue to run with endurance. And it will be OK if I don't catch up overnight.

Mother of Lindy

I received a phone call on Monday afternoon that brought great joy and change into my life all at once. My old college roommate, Mary, was calling to tell me she had found me a puppy! For years I have longed to have a Border Collie, but I have never been in a position to actually adopt one. Either I didn't have enough money, or enough space, or enough time. Its interesting how God works all things together for good. I wasn't expecting the puppy to come this week, but she came. I wasn't expecting the money to be available this week, but my tax return came and it was surprisingly larger than I was expecting. It was the perfect amount I needed to bring home a puppy. My landlord and my roommate were supportive, and my new job now enables me to have a schedule that is conducive to raising a puppy!

So she arrived late on Monday night, and I am the proudest puppy mama in the world! She is even more beautiful than I ever imagined, and I am surprised at how much I love her more each day. She is super smart too! Only 10 weeks old and she learned to SIT and play frisbee in just one day! Although she is a bundle of love and fun, she is also a bundle of work! I feel as though this is perfect preparation for me before I have kids one day. She requires lots of attention, training, exercise, and love. I think she may even break me of my bad habit of sleeping in! I've been up two mornings before 6am and I have been exhausted with pouring into my little baby girl. I am really starting to feel it now. But, I know it will be worth it. Just like children, though it is difficult sometimes to invest so much time and energy, the return is too great to measure. I hope that I will be a puppy mother and that God will use this as one way to prepare me for true motherhood. I long for motherhood more and more these days it seems. Does that mean I'm getting old? :)

I named my puppy Lindy, after my favorite swing dance, the Lindy Hop. The name is fitting, for she loves to hop around in the yard and is full of life and excitement! Perhaps one day I will teach her to dance!

I love God's surprises - they are always better than anything I could ever have expected...

david gray and a cup of tea

Today has been one of those days that seem so long its hard to remember when it began. Nothing particularly eventful happened. I got up this morning and went to work. Then I followed my usual Friday evening routine of meeting up with a few dear friends for pizza and pints after work. But although it seemed a bit mundane on the one hand, on the other I felt a certain level of peace today that I haven't known for quite some time. It has got me to thinking: maybe its ok that I am not always excited, chasing the big dream, or living on the edge. Maybe its ok that I haven't "arrived" at some imaginary place where all my life's ambitions are playing out.

Today I have felt more than content. Today I have felt satisfied; Free; At rest. I came home tonight and my roommate put on one of our favorite albums : David Gray's "Lost Songs." She made me a cup of tea before heading off to bed. My mentor Karen is always saying to me, "Mel, Jesus really is enough for you. He is more than enough." I think I'm finally beginning to experience what that really means. It's ok that I am single. It's ok that I am not rich. It's ok that I'm no longer in Germany and it's ok that I miss it. Because He is more than enough. He is enough, and still He gives me wonderful things like the sound of David Gray picking the guitar and a warm cup of tea.

"I will run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." Psalm 119:32

(Photo of painting by Janina Tukarski Ellis) - http://www.janinaellis.com/