it's raining, it's pouring...

After coordinating a few rides, I dropped my car off at Precision Tune this morning around 8 a.m. Last night my engine over heated, so I was a little concerned about the little Honda. I thought I'd just take her in for a check up and maybe some more fluids. Perhaps she was just dehydrated.

I got the call around 9:45 a.m.

Radiator's busted, bursted, kaputt. Happy Monday.

Well, that pretty much bummed me out the rest of the day. At lunchtime the sky darkened as Fay, the tropical storm of the month, descended on us giving the ground quite a drink. The grass and trees seemed to be letting out great sighs of relief as they opened wide their mouths to receive the rain. I took my turkey and cheese sandwich into the conference room, which has a large picture window and a screened door that opens to the back yard of the office. I turned the lights off and propped open the door and just listened to the rain and occasional thunder for awhile in silence. I felt an incredible urge to run outside and let the heavy rain pound down on my head and drench me completely through. I thought about taking an umbrella out with me, holding it upside down until it filled with water and then turning it over to pour the cool water over my hair and face. It would have felt nice to have the rain wash out my insides.

I didn't do it. Eventually the storm moved on, and so did I.

Sometimes I think the rain in my life can be healthy. Its healthy to cry sometimes. Its sobering to realize I am not in absolute control of my life. But, lately I am really ready for some sunshine.

(Photo by Oviso0n)

Psalm 4:8

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

healthy apathy?

I've been listening to The Weepies a lot lately. I've always liked their sound, but for some reason they seem to be resonating with me the last few months. The combination of beautiful, mellow music and cynical, apathetic lyrics gives me a sense of mingled hope and mild depression.

I've been struggling with feeling well physically this year. According to my doctor, I've apparently developed insomnia and increased intensity of headaches as a result of being too stressed out and/or doing too much. So sleep is an issue. Obviously that effects my attitude in most areas of my life. I find that I am irritable, short fused and generally pessimistic these days, especially when it comes to my job. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job. I have a great boss, fun co-workers and invaluable opportunities to experience some quite interesting work. I've been losing my focus though. Its hard to get through a day without becoming extremely tired and cynical. I have a feeling that protecting my Sabbath will help with this problem. Sometimes I wonder if my body is responding to my recent spiritual apathy or if its the other way around. I feel they are connected somehow though. I think I'm going to drink some Tension Tamer Tea and pray about this for bit, then attempt to sleep.

Below are two sets of words that have been lingering in my head today. I find the contrast between them interesting. The first are the lyrics of a Weepies song called "Not Your Year." I connect with the sense of "[un]healthy apathy" that is conveyed in this song. The second are a few verses from Psalm 3, which is what I've begun to pray for myself these days. Here is a startling demonstration of how the message of the world and the message of God are complete opposites.

One: Not Your Year: by the Weepies

Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.

Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you’re happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.

Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There’s a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you’re doing wrong

Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating “don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up.”

Two: Psalm 3:3-5

"But you are a shield around me, O Lord;
you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud,
and he answers me from his holy hill.

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side."

the world can wait

Lately my life seems to be spinning faster than the earth. I don't know why I feel constant pressure to "fill up" every moment of my time and energy with extra-curricular activities, people pleasing, and to-do lists. Tonight is the first night that I have rested since I returned from my vacation in Santa Fe. It seems odd that I would come home from a week long Sabbath only to disregard the principle in my "regular" life. But then again, this is a part of being human I suppose.

This evening I've found refreshment in simple things: washing dishes; reading old letters and journals; throwing a tennis ball; walking barefoot in the damp grass; listening to new music; letting the porch fan sweep a warm night breeze through my hair; meditating on a psalm.

I need more nights like tonight. I need to live in slow motion. I want to savor the genuine moments of connecting with other people. I smile inside when I think of these rare gifts. I don't want them to pass me by. I want to protect the Sabbath in my life.

Life is too short not to go deep. The world can wait....

(Photo by DOS82)

exploration...

Today I got my first nosebleed of the week. Heck yes, I'm in the desert.

Yesterday was a day of exploration in more than one sense. I began the day by going on a beautiful hike with my new friend Liz. We took the Atalaya Trail. It begins here at St. John's College and ascends about 3 miles into the desert mountains. I cannot describe how incredibly beautiful the landscape is here. What struck me the most was the amount of life that thrives in this environment. We saw lizards and birds and rabbits all along the trail. If you look closely in the picture above you can see a lizard that blends in with the tree.

After returning from the hike, I decided it would be a good idea to drive up to Chimayo, an old New Mexico village about 30 miles north of Santa Fe. Everyone has been talking about how beautiful it is and how I must go see the church there while I am here. So, I punched in the address in my trusty GPS (which I borrowed from my sister for the week) and set off on my journey. At some point I made a wrong turn and the GPS began to "recalculate." Before I knew it I was twisting down red dirt roads around the edge of red rock mesa cliffs. There was no sign of civilisation in sight. Just when I decided to abandon my fruitless search for Chimayo the GPS battery died. So I was lost in the middle of the desert (literally) with no cell phone signal, no directions, and no clue how to get home. I finally found a paved road again, called home and got some spontaneous "map quest" directions to point me towards Santa Fe. It was frustrating at the time, but in hindsight, I probably got to see some of the most beautiful part of New Mexico completely by accident.

(This is a picture of the desert I got lost in. This photo doesn't do it justice.)

I had lunch at the Blue Corn Cafe (recommended by Joy) and visited the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum in the afternoon. Last night I continued my exploration by delving into the wells of songwriting that have yet to be tapped. Eva, Ben and I finished our song and really had fun jamming. We perform tomorrow morning for the class. I'm a little nervous, but I am really proud of our song. I'll post the lyrics tomorrow.

Its hard to believe the week is almost over. I've really made some great friends here. Its cool when you can admit that you read Shakespeare plays aloud for fun in your spare time, and nobody looks at you like you're a freak. In fact, they all nod and say, "Yeah, I love doing that." We're all such nerds, but I like being in the company of like minds.