Year End Review: Flags For The Course

I have been missing from the blog world for the last couple of weeks, but I am very happy to be back. Its been a very busy December, and an interesting year. I think its funny how we tend to have ideas and expectations of what each year will hold, and every year turns out to be different than we expect. At least it is that way for me. I took some hard knocks this year. There was certainly a lot of heartache and broken relationships in it. A lot of painful but much needed "sin-killing" happened this year for me. But I also experienced some wonderful surprises in 2007. This year also brought with it reconciliation, forgiveness, and blessing. It took a few new turns I wasn't expecting. I started down a new career path, moved into a new home, acquired new roommates, and received my dear puppy companion. In 2007 I successfully read through the entire Bible, something I have always wanted to do. I joined a church, made new friends, and entered the blog world. Looking back I see that God has walked with me, led me closer to Him, and taught me a little more of what it means to follow Jesus. I've gained a better understanding of who He is, and in light of that I have gained a more accurate perspective of who I am. I hope to continue in this school of learning in the coming year.

Instead of making resolutions I am likely to fail at keeping, I decided to think of some things I'd like to do in the next year. [Flags for the course, you might say.]

In 2008 I would like to:

1. Worry less and pray more. I've realized that Jesus wasn't kidding when he said, "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I want my treasure and my heart to be in the right place.

2. Be healthier. I'd like to start thinking of positive ways to live a healthier life. Some ideas I have include actually going to the doctor for regular checkups (I haven't done this since before I moved to Europe. yikes!), cooking with fresh ingredients instead of processed ones, eating less "fast food", walking more and sitting less, drinking more water, and getting more sleep. I think keeping my Sabbaths will help me be healthier too.

3. Dance more. I think this will involve learning a new dance, since my swing dancing has pretty much reached a plateau. I'm thinking of learning either tap or hip-hop.

4. I would really like to learn sign-language.

5. I would really like to take a creative writing class at some point in the future. Blogging has opened up a hidden desire to splash around in the creative puddles in my mind. Maybe some of it will end up on paper.

(Flag photo by Jason Schlachet)

Tis The Season For TV Christmas Specials

So, I began thinking about this last week when I was sitting on the couch with my roommate. She was flipping through the TV channels when we briefly landed on the last 5 minutes of that famed Christmas special, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." Rudolph saved the day by guiding the sleigh in the storm with his nose. And then came the scene of the Island of Misfit Toys. The misfit girl doll and the Jack-in-the-box were sitting around a fire and were so sad. Then Santa came, despite their doubts, and rescued them on Christmas Eve! And before I knew it I was crying. I looked over at my roommate and saw that she was looking at me as if I were from another planet. "What?" I said. The look on her face said it all. "Seriously? You're crying?!!" she said. Then we both began to laugh. She won't stop making fun of me. I don't know what it is about these TV specials that make me cry, but they just do! I was reading an article online today about Rudolph by Rick Goldschmidt . Here is a quote that makes me laugh:

"The number one question that we get asked about the special is: What is wrong
with the MISFIT GIRL DOLL? Arthur Rankin answers this question on page five of my book. Apparently, her problem was more psychological than physical. "

Here's a list of a few other TV Christmas Specials that make me a little weepy:

1. Charlie Brown Christmas - I cry throughout this one, but especially when Linus recites Luke 2 at the end.
2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas - when the Grinch's heart grows three times its size.
3. Frosty the Snowman -when Frosty melts.
4. A Chipmunks Christmas - when Alvin can't afford to get the golden harmonica for his friend, AND when he gets better in the end and they play together.
5. Mickey's Christmas Carol - when Scrooge sees that Tiny Tim dies in "the Christmas future."

Maybe I am weird. Maybe I am just a girl. I think there is something resembling the beautiful story of redemption in all of these holiday shows and that is why they make me cry. Maybe we should pay more attention to them.

My friend Paul has officially dubbed me "a weeper." Well, after all, Jesus wept. And so did the misfit girl doll. So at least I'm in good company! :)

When dreams learn to fly...

I had an excellent cry this evening. I'm not exactly sure why. It could be for a thousand reasons. It could be because I have been wading into my memory lately. It could be because there is so much longing inside me I think my heart could break. It could be because of the simple, commonplace beauty that I encounter every day. Today I encountered a chilling breeze in the shade followed by a blast of warmth from the sun as I walked down Main Street. I encountered the sound of a puppy's feet scampering across the floor and the weight of her head on my knee. It could be because I laughed with my best friend on the telephone today. Tears well up in my eyes just thinking of how much I miss her. It could be because I read an excerpt from Job last night that made me sad. Perhaps it is because I saw art this week that gave me license to dream. It could be because tonight I listened to something so beautiful that the only appropriate response was to cry. It could be because my life is a part of greater story. Our lives are part of a greater story, one that digs deep, stirs the pot, and breaks up the places that need to be broken. And in the end of that story is life - life which we've only dreamed of, but always hoped for.

It could be a combination of all of these things.

I want to dream more. I want to write down more of my dreams. I want to dive into my imagination without fear. I want to create. I want to experience beauty every day. I want to fly. I want to love with all my heart.

There is beauty and sorrow in the world that can only warrant such a response as to weep. Sometimes I think we need it.

(Art by Janina Tukarski Ellis)

Ever clearer...

"The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them, was longing. These things -- the beauty, the memory of our own past -- are good reflections of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself, they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."
-C.S. Lewis

Jesus - Emmanuel - God with us,
This is my request: give me clarity in my longing! Father, hear my prayer.

"Thy purpose of eternal good let me but surely know;
On this I'll lean -- let changing mood and feeling come or go --
Glad when Thy sunshine fills my soul, not sad when clouds o'ercast,
Since Thou within Thy sure control of love dost hold me fast."
-John Campbell Shairp

Ballet Reflection...

Last December I told God that all I wanted for Christmas was a date. Its funny, because sometimes God answers those silly, petty little prayers for us, even when we don't really believe that He will. I know I probably didn't ask with the right motives. I certainly didn't believe it would be granted. I just sort of threw that desire out into the void one night, not even really knowing why I was asking. I still don't fully understand why He gave me what I asked for last year. Maybe it was for some greater purpose that I have yet to unravel, or perhaps it was to teach me a lesson, or maybe... just maybe, it was because He loves me and wanted to give something good to His daughter.

Last December I got taken out on a date by a man I barely knew. A good man; It was very unexpected to say the least. He took me to see the Greenville Symphony Orchestra's Christmas Concert. It was well thought out. It was intentional. I felt special, valuable, and beautiful. It remains in my memory as the best date I have ever been on in my life up to this point.

I'm not exactly sure why I am writing about this memory. Perhaps it is because I went to see the Nutcracker Ballet with some girlfriends tonight. We got all dressed up. I wore red shoes. I got lost in the music a bit. I found myself entranced by the gracefulness of the movements on stage, especially during the Arabian girl's dance. Slow; delicate; controlled; In a moment my mind began to wander. It wandered back to this same time last year, when I sat next to a gentleman in a darkened theater surrounded by such musical beauty that it gave me chill bumps on the back of my neck. Then I blinked and came out of that wonderful, warm, yet heart wrenching memory. Reality always hits like a brick wall.

Music is powerful. I'm convinced of it. It can transport you, transform you, make you laugh or cry, or even console you. The events of the past year are now history - my history. Looking back helps me to see my present self more clearly in the mirror. But, sometimes I still wish those memories would remain in the past.

Needless to say, I will not be asking God for a date this year.

(Image by Pat McDonald)

Outstretched heart...

There is a strange sensation that comes from giving oneself away. I think our culture lies to us when it tells us that the greatest pleasure and joy comes from seeking self-satisfaction. I have felt jaded and slightly empty of late, and I think it is because I have not been giving my life away. I was pleasantly surprised today when circumstances thrust me into several situations where others had to come first. This is a hard thing to do, but oh the wonder of how it fills up the dry caverns in my soul.

I found myself in a conversation with a friend this afternoon which I cannot mention explicitly but I will say moved me in the deeper places of my heart. My heart broke for her. I felt there were so many things I needed to say to her, and I'm sure I didn't say them all very well. But whatever I did say, I can see that God is at work in them. I prayed much today, and none of it was about me. I felt renewed after tasting again the sweetness of intercession for those who don't know how to pray for themselves. Its been awhile.

When I came home tonight I overheard my roommate on the telephone talking to a colleague about a difficult situation at school. (She teaches kindergarten.) When I asked her if she wanted some tea, she began to cry. My heart broke for her as well. I hugged her. Shortly thereafter, she asked me if I would go to the Asian market with her to help her find what she needed to prepare an elaborate "Korean feast" for her students and their parents on Friday. She seemed overly stressed, and I couldn't refuse such a humble request. My sole mission quickly became finding the strange ingredients needed for a Korean dish we didn't even have a proper recipe for. We went to two different Asian stores on opposite sides of town, called a Korean store, and even called one of my half-Korean friends to ask his mom for help. I quickly forgot about whatever I had planned on doing this Wednesday evening. We finally had everything resolved, ingredients found, and recipes complete. Then I made dinner for us and felt that all was well with the world. I even shared my lasagna with my puppy because she makes me smile inside that she is safe at home. :)

Perhaps this has become somewhat of a ramble tonight, but I think there is something to it. There is something good about putting people and relationships before activities and schedules. There is something life giving in the process of giving your life away to others. I used to live in that world more than I do now. I miss it.

A wise king once said, "Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again." (Ecclesiastes 11:1) This is what is so beautiful about the body of Christ. He made himself everlasting bread for us - and we are casting our bread out to others. Oh, how sweet is the life found in it!

I want a bigger heart to pour out and wider hands to stretch open.

(Heart in Hands photo by Wolfsoul)

Drumroll please...

Announcing my new alias behind the soundboard:

DJ TANNER!

(dj name nominated by Greg Hemric)

C'mon, its cheesy but its funny, right? :)

[OK I admit it, I still have an extremely bad case of blogger's block. sigh..]

This is one of those moments...

...when I have a lot on my mind, and much to say, but my brain pores seemed to be clogged and I can't get any good words out yet, so I just post something silly instead. Enjoy. :)

midnight meltdown

So I went to this fantastic wine tasting party last night with a bunch of girls. I ended up actually leading the wine tasting, after Nina spontaneously nominated me for the job. My disclaimer was that I only know anything because I read it in a book somewhere. :) We tasted twelve delicious wines and ate some yummy cheeses and other wine-loving goodies. Needless to say, I was glad that I didn't drive.

Nina and I got back to my house around midnight. I am so thankful she came inside with me because little did I know that I was about to have a major midnight meltdown. I found a note on the kitchen counter telling me that my dog, Lindy, had run away and that she was nowhere to be found. I cannot describe the despair that overtook me in that moment. Some may think it silly, but if you have ever loved an animal the way I love this puppy, you'd understand. All of the worst case scenarios kept running through my head. We live near 3 main roads so I was sure she would get hit by a car in the dark. It doesn't help that she's black. I was fairly certain she was smart enough to find her way home, but I wasn't thinking straight. I was panicked. I couldn't drive to go look for her. I had no way of knowing where to look. I probably would have started walking around the neighborhood in the freezing cold if Nina hadn't forced me to go to bed. I think I cried for about an hour. I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up this morning around 5am to the pitter-patter of puppy feet in my room. SHE CAME HOME!!! HALLELUJAH!!! My roommate must have let her in. I jumped out of bed and sat on the floor with my puppy in my arms and cried again. Then I went back to sleep for a few hours. I am so grateful for good friends like Nina. I am so grateful my Lindy came home, safe and sound.

I feel emotionally drained and mildly hung-over from the events of last night. I need a good nap.

(Photo by Daniel Greene)

Channel Surfing vs. Entering In

It is a hard thing to love other people. There's no fancy way to say that. Love involves giving of oneself. Love involves entering into the story of another. That isn't something that is necessarily fun or easy to do. I think we so often define love in terms of what we "feel." But that isn't how God defines love at all. The Bible says that God is love. So, if I want to know what it is to love perfectly and completely I have to look to Him. Do I dare to do that? In light of this, when I think about perfect love - complete love - words like faithfulness to the faithless, deliverance, provision, and sacrifice all come to mind. I heard two excellent analogies recently from Toby, my pastor, in comparing incomplete love and complete love.

Incomplete love is like channel surfing. We flip through the channels until we find something we "feel like" watching. If the people in this analogy are anything like me, they get bored very quickly and don't stay on any one channel for more than five minutes. Complete love is like getting off the couch and entering into the story rather than just observing from our comfort zone. It's daring to embrace something outside of ourselves. This is what Christ did when He left the comfort of heaven to enter into our story. He isn't a distant observer. He doesn't keep us at arms length. He enters in.

The other analogy is from the Phantom of the Opera. In the end, Christine is given a choice. If she chooses to stay with the Phantom (and ultimately lose herself to him - ultimately this is death) her true love may go free and live. If she refuses, they both will die. Christine chooses to kiss death so that the one she loves may have life. Don't we all long for that kind of love? The kind that's unbreakable? The kind we can trust? This love is Christ. This love is self-sacrifice. This may be an inadequate analogy, but helps me to get my mind around it.

So how does this apply to me? I confess that for the past few months I have been struggling to love certain people in my life. I fail to love them because I fail to enter into their lives. I focus too much on my dislike of them, or the ways that they have hurt me, or my own need for their approval. So I keep them at arms length. I put up a wall. But this is not the way it was meant to be. It's not the way I want it to be. My inner battle has shed some light on my love for God as well. I am finding it difficult to love God when I am struggling to love other people. So I've been asking the question that I posed in my last post, "What does it mean to love completely?" I haven't come up with a finite answer. But I have realized that I cannot love completely on my own. Like most things, this too requires grace from the Father. Knowing this, the question I must ask myself now becomes "Do I dare?"

John makes me hopeful when he exclaims, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! And we know that when he appears we shall be like him, for we shall see him s he is." (1 John 3:1a, 2b)

I dare.

(Channel surfing photo by Jeroen020)

dove chocolate challenges...

I like to eat little pieces of chocolate after dinner, or sometimes just because. It works as a dessert without overeating, or as an indulgence without going overboard. I like to buy bags of the little Dove dark chocolates and keep them in my refrigerator. I often grab a couple pieces and enjoy them with a glass of red wine for dessert. Or just when I need a chocolate fix. The great thing about Dove chocolates is that they have little sayings on the inside of the foil. They usually say things like "Sing along with the elevator music" or "Smile before bed. You'll sleep better." These sayings usually make me smile, which is one more reason for eating them.

This week I was sitting on my bed with my friend Nina eating Dove dark chocolates and drinking red wine when the words on the foil struck me like an arrow between the eyes.

It said, "Dare to love completely."

Nina said, "I think you do that Mel."
[Mel blushes]

But, I have had to ask myself, "Do I?" I'm not sure. What does it really mean to love completely? So this challenge from the inside of a piece of chocolate has been stirring me a bit this weekend. Toby's sermon today spoke to this question and I'm still chewing on what he said. So this post is a prologue to what I hope will soon be a coherent batch of thoughts on this great subject: Love.

Do I dare to love completely? hmmmm.....
Stay tuned. More to come.

(Photo: Dove Chocolate Wrapper by Kimblahg)